Do Men and Women Actually Communicate Differently? Experts Weigh In

You’ve heard it all before: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Stacks of self-help and psychology books have been devoted to the subject of biological sex’s potential impact on the brain. Some scientists argue that biological sex hormones and brain structures determine “male” and “female” behavior, while others argue that environments shape these behaviors and that all brains function the same.

Of course, this debate becomes even thornier as we reevaluate our understanding of biological sex in terms of gender and gender identity. How can biological sex shape one’s behavior if a person does not identify with their assigned sex and has never felt aligned with the stereotypical behavior expected of them?

Regardless of the answer to that question, communicating with others is a pretty important part of how we behave. If you’ve ever felt like you just can’t get through to a member of the opposite sex during a conversation, you’ve probably wondered if there is just some innate difference between the way you both communicate.

To try and sift through differences in communication that may be influenced by either biology or socialization, we asked two experts to weigh in on the subject: Stephen Furlich, Ph.D., author of Sex Talk: How Biological Sex Influences Gender Communication Differences Throughout Life’s Stages, and Lise Eliot, Ph.D., author of Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow into Troublesome Gaps — and What We Can Do About It. Their opinions illuminate how even scientists with opposing viewpoints are in agreement that we need to better understand ourselves and each other.

How sex hormones influence our behavior

Dr. Furlich compares the brain to an engine and hormones to the oil that makes the machinery work. Sure, both hormones and the brain are necessary for our survival, but the brain partially depends on hormones to function. So, from his point of view, sex hormones shape us more than brain structure. Some research supports his claim that “prior to birth, sex hormone levels can actually predict” the stereotypical way kids play (think boys roughhousing while girls might be partial to dolls). Dr. Furlich also says that testosterone and estrogen can mold language abilities. He says that higher levels of estrogen increase language skills like having complicated conversations and explaining how you feel. On the other hand, testosterone increases spatial abilities, like navigating and measuring distances — which is probably where the outdated stereotype that men are better with directions came from.

Dr. Eliot admits that it’s difficult to separate brain structure from the equation since “nothing can influence behavior without the brain.” But she’s not convinced the gonadal hormones are the main players in varying behavioral traits: “Researchers have tried hard to find effects, for example, of testosterone on spatial skills or estrogen on memory skills but the data are very unreliable and not strong enough to say, for example, that cognitive or emotional skills change across the menstrual cycle, or that hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can boost women’s thinking skills after menopause.”

Do “male” and “female” brain structures make us communicate differently?

According to Dr. Furlich, people born biologically as females “have a much more integrated brain” — which means more connections across both hemispheres of the brain. On the other hand, men have more connections within each hemisphere. He also argues that female brains have more white matter, which helps coordinate different areas together. However, male brains have more gray brain matter, which helps process information.

Based on this argument, these brain structure differences shape our social interactions. If women have more connectivity across hemispheres, they are able to engage in a conversation while also analyzing their partner’s behaviors. Conversely, men have a more literal understanding of conversation because they can only analyze or converse. This theoretically shapes different communication styles between genders.

Of course, many scientists say that communication styles and skills are only learned. Dr. Eliot says that social learning and mimicry dictate those starkly different modes of communication. From this perspective, traditionally “male” and “female” tendencies toward social interaction are not at all hardwired, instead they’re “learned from the corresponding same-sex models beginning from babies’ earliest days.” She argues, “nature and nurture are not equally responsible for gendered communication differences. Nature plays almost no role, with the minor exception of vocal pitch (higher or lower voice).”

How do female patterns of communication differ from male patterns of communication?

Dr. Furlich argues that brain structure differences make women better at non-verbal communication. Women also have more blood flow to areas of the brain responsible for emotion, language, and memory during conversations, so these centers become very active when women communicate with others. Dr. Furlich also says that when women communicate, they weave memories and emotions into the topic at hand. Men, on the other hand, tend to use more “report talk,” which means they may be inclined to give literal, non-emotional responses during conversations.

Dr. Eliot adds that she has observed men and women betraying different levels of confidence when they communicate: “Women tend to be more tentative in their speech, less declarative and more likely to engage in “uptalk,” which is ending sentences in what sounds like a question, conveying less confidence in their assertions. Men interrupt women more than vice-versa. In a mixed-sex group, men also speak more than women, reflecting their generally higher professional or economic status.” Both experts agree there are palpable differences in communication, regardless of their source.

How to talk to men, women, or members of a different sex more productively

Regardless of your opinion on nature versus nurture, there are real communication differences to overcome (whether biological or socialized). Dr. Furlich has a few practical recommendations for having a conversation with your partner: “Touching prior to a conflict, like holding hands, leads to more positive behavior.” Physical touch increases oxytocin and helps us feel more connected with others — which will also help us empathize.

Dr. Furlich points out that mimicking behaviors can also increase oxytocin levels and will activate similar areas of the brain. Again, this will increase empathy, which will help us understand how other people feel.

Dr. Eliot says anecdotally, she’s noticed that men and women can fine-tune communication by adopting each other’s behavior. She’s noticed that men who mimic stereotypically gentle female behaviors can have more understanding and open conversations: “I’ve witnessed my own male medical students learn to interview patients in a more open, accepting way by emulating their female teachers.”

How does this apply to nonbinary and transgender people?

Dr. Furlich admits that there is a lack of hard scientific research in this area. However, he says there are interesting biological implications since “when sex hormones change, it actually changes brain synapses.”

Dr. Eliot argues that her research strongly supports the validity of gender fluidity: “From my perspective, the discovery that male and female brains hardly differ at all in structure or connectivity (beyond 10 percent size difference, which is proportional to body size) has reinforced the idea that gender is a spectrum and very fluid.” Along with neuroscience, she argues that “the growing prevalence of trans, non-binary, gender fluid, genderqueer, androgynous, and other populations has debunked the idea that gender is hardwired in brain structure.”