Talking about money doesn’t have to be taboo.
With friendships, we often gravitate toward people with whom we have something in common. Maybe you both grew up in the Midwest, enjoy Italian food, or love comparing notes on your favorite true crime series. But because we tend to think of ourselves as similar to our friends, we might find it unnerving to discover a gap between our financial situations — sometimes a major one.
In grad school, one of my friends was getting a down payment from her parents to buy a condo while another was working two jobs and barely making rent. I felt conflicted trying to empathize with a friend who was stressed about renovating her condo’s kitchen, while the other friend fretted that being a homeowner would never be within her reach. I realized that we each had very different experiences and priorities around money.
Worrying about money is completely normal — especially if you’re anxious about the possibility of an upcoming recession — and trying to brush aside financial differences in our friend groups isn’t always an option, whether you’re planning a vacation together or just going out to eat on a Friday night. (In the latter case, when the bill comes, do you chip in the same amount, even if you just ordered an appetizer in order to save cash?) But talking about money can be tremendously taboo among friends. If the idea of having a heart-to-heart with pals about your financial situation leaves your palms sweaty and your stomach in knots, we’ve got you covered. Below you’ll find tips on how to cope if your friends make much more or less money than you.
Work on setting boundaries
Since we so often share commonalities with friends — like being first-time parents, attending the same book club, or working side-by-side at a company — you might feel a little rattled to learn that they inherited vast sums from a wealthy parent, or that they’re struggling to pay their gas bill. Friendship coach and educator Danielle Bayard Jackson explains that a reaction like this is entirely natural, and stems from a tendency to view our peer group as a “model for how our life should be going, and if we’re on track.” Instead of resenting your friends for what they have, or feeling guilty for being in a higher income bracket, why not treat this as an opportunity to set some boundaries and clear expectations with respect to money?
Suppose you’re planning a vacation with your friends: Instead of secretly fretting over how much a lavish getaway might set you back, make your budget clear beforehand, suggests Daryl Appleton, EdD, MEd, psychotherapist, and Fortune 500 Executive Coach. Or, if you’re going out to eat, ask the group ahead of time if they mind splitting the bill based on who ordered what, instead of evenly. (Which prevents that panicky feeling of seeing well-off pals ordering pricey bottles of wine and mentally tallying up your share.)
If that blunt approach sounds too intimidating, a gentle way to broach the topic would be, “I really value our friendship, which is why I feel comfortable telling you that money is pretty tight right now and splitting the bill would really help,” or “I love spending time together, but I’m really behind on my bills and can’t afford to go on a trip.” With these statements, you’re validating the strength of your friendship while also being honest about your limits.
Recognize what your emotions are telling you
When we’re working for minimum wage as teens or bussing tables in college, our friends’ bank accounts may not look all that different from ours. But as our career paths begin to diverge, differences in earnings can become more apparent, and as they do, we might find ourselves experiencing uncomfortable emotions like guilt, envy, shame, and jealousy.
“If we feel a friend has leapt past us financially or fallen far behind, it can feel like our connection with them is threatened because we tend to treat our friends as a measuring stick for our progress,” says Tonya Lester, LCSW.
But instead of wallowing in these emotions, you can use them as a jumping off point to assess what you want for your future. Take the salary issue: Ask yourself if you’re really envious of your friend’s paycheck, or is the issue more that you’re dissatisfied with the career path you’ve chosen and want a reset?
Likewise, if you’re feeling embarrassed about your job or income, think about what you value in life and “judge your success based on whether you’re making choices that are aligned with those values,” says Lester. For example, if you cherish the impact your work as a high school teacher makes on your students, you’re less likely to feel diminished because your friend is raking in cash as a hedge fund manager. Prioritizing principles over monetary rewards can help us “feel validated regardless of how much money we have,” says Lester.
Focus on what you can do, and get creative
Realizing that the items on your vision board are already part of your friend’s daily life can be a bit depressing. I remember working really hard toward (and getting rejected for) a scholarship that my friend had turned down because she was already flush with funding. Like me, you might feel left behind or envious of your friend’s success, but those feelings ultimately don’t help anyone. As Dr. Appleton explains, “All timelines are different, and just because someone is more successful financially doesn’t mean they’re happier or more fulfilled.” In the long run, you’re better off respecting your monetary limitations than trying to keep up with the Joneses — and going into credit card debt as a result.
For example, if you can’t afford to attend a friend’s wedding in Aruba, RSVPing “yes” and maxing out your credit card might seem like the only choice in the moment, but that move could jeopardize your finances and leave you with resentment toward your friend. A healthier approach would be acknowledging your feelings, for example, by saying to yourself, “I can’t afford this wedding and I’m feeling embarrassed,” says Jackson. Then, be honest with your friends: Tell them that you can’t make it to the wedding, but you’d like to pay for a round of drinks at your next dinner, or host a brunch at your place when they’re back in town.
Confront the taboo surrounding money
Depending on your family or culture, you may have been taught that it’s distasteful to discuss money outside the privacy of your home. As a result, “We may have created some unhealthy ideas and habits around wealth,” says Dr. Appleton. One example is thinking that if we make an impressive paycheck, we’ll experience greater fulfillment and satisfaction in all elements of our lives. Or we might think that a smaller bank account makes us less worthy of necessities like rest and downtime.
Having honest conversations with friends about money can help break these taboos. You can decide with whom and how much to share, while also recognizing that “Money can be a safety net or a vehicle for increased freedom, but it’s not the end goal of life or your entire identity,” says Dr. Appleton.
Plus, real friends will “want to enjoy you in any way that you’re available, and appreciate you for doing what you can,” says Dr. Appleton. Being more transparent means you’re likely to find that money may not be such a stumbling block for your friends — since what they truly value in the end is your companionship.
