Eight questions to ask a new love interest right away, according to relationship experts.
There’s something so utterly romantic about coupling up with a new love interest during the doldrums of winter. Not only do the dropping temps give you the perfect excuse to snuggle up on the couch together, but finding someone who adds sparkle to such short and dark days is a true feat.
And if sparks are already flying between you and a new romantic partner, there’s no better time to roll up your chunky sweater sleeves and ask them a few revealing questions. Because the last thing you want is to lose a season wasting energy on someone whose values don’t quite align with yours. And we don’t mean inquiring about things like how they like their eggs or which travel destination is next on their bucket list. While those are answers you may eventually want to know, it’s important to ask questions that’ll help reveal whether this new fling is the real thing.
Below, relationship experts share which questions you should plan on asking a new romantic partner right off the bat.
The most important questions to ask a new love interest
What are your relationship goals?
“This is the most important question to ask a potential partner,” says Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist, and author of Use Your Mouth: Pocket-sized Conversations to Simply Increase 7 Types of Intimacy in and Out of the Bedroom. “One of the biggest mistakes people make when deciding to partner with someone is assuming that they want the same thing. The answer to this question helps you decide if you and your potential partner share common relational interests.”
What was your last major relationship like, and why did it end?
Asking this upfront will give you a sense of their emotional maturity, which is essential for any strong relationship. “If they talk negatively about their ex, they’re likely either immature or still processing, and both are red flags,” says Amy Nobile, an online dating coach based in New York. “We also want them to own their part in the breakup. We’re looking for someone who can demonstrate that they’re capable of growth and evolution.”
What are your relationship deal breakers?
“The purpose of this question is to remove space for assumptions and help to set boundaries and expectations,” says Howard. Maybe it’s important for you to eventually remarry, but if that’s not in the cards for your potential partner, that might disqualify the relationship from developing further. “When you and your potential partner know, understand, and agree on deal breakers, it allows you to be more in tune with each other.”
How long ago were you divorced?
If you’re dating a recent divorcee, you want to feel confident that they’ve had enough time to process the end of their last chapter. “Make sure it’s been at least one year since the divorce papers were signed, and not just since a physical separation,” says Donna Harris-Richards, LICSW, and certified sex and relationship therapist. “This ensures your partner has gone through the transition of all four seasons as a single individual again in order to be mentally, emotionally, and physically available for a new relationship.”
In your family, what role do you play?
Family roles come in all gregarious shapes and softhearted sizes: There’s the black sheep, the comic relief, the caregiver, and the peacemaker, to name a few. And getting a sense of how your partner views themselves in relation to their family can indicate a lot about their personality. “This question is designed to uncover patterns and conditioning that they had growing up, and the importance, or not, of family in their lives,” explains Nobile. “This will enable you to see if you’re aligned on a very important core value.”
Do you like your work?
If your partner loves their job, that’s a green flag. (You know, the opposite of a red one.) “This question is a measure of how happy or satisfied the potential partner is outside of a primary partner relationship, which can affect the relationship in a positive way,” says Harris-Richards.
Research shows that being constantly dissatisfied with work can negatively affect your personal relationships. And it can also wreak havoc on your mental and physical health.
Are you vaccinated (and boosted) and can you show me your card?
To put it plainly, if your new love interest is vaxxed, it shows they care about their health, your health, and their community. “If your potential partner is vaccinated, they’ll be less likely to die, become severely ill, or suffer long-term consequences, such as erectile dysfunction and other health issues, from Covid,” says Harris-Richards.
On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being “I’m 100 percent ready to find my partner,” where are you?
“We can’t make assumptions about whether or not someone is at the same readiness level as we are. If someone says, ‘Whoa…that question feels too heavy for early dating‘ — then there’s your answer,” says Nobile. “That’s not your person.” In fact, if the person balks at honestly answering any of these questions, feel free to show them the door.
For more ideas on how to have meaningful conversations, check out psychiatrist Dr. Suzanne Boardman‘s advice on forming deeper connections.
