My husband and I don’t sleep in the same bed, and we’re better for it.
For 16 years, my marriage has thrived, albeit with the help of an unconventional twist: For 8 of those years, my husband and I have had a sleep divorce. That’s right — we don’t sleep in the same bed, and we’re better for it.
The idea of a sleep divorce seems revolutionary, but why should it be? We all know sleep is incredibly important when it comes to restoration — and that it can impact our well-being, careers, and relationships. And yet, most partnered adults resign themselves to spending the rest of their lives getting subpar rest, simply because they’re conditioned to believe the only acceptable sleeping arrangement for couples is sharing a bed.
Eight years ago, a typical morning looked like this: I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to work out — groggy, visibly annoyed, and full of resentment while my husband snored until around 7 a.m. I would go to bed early and read while he preferred to stay up late and work or catch up on one of his shows. My head would hit the pillow at 9 p.m. sharp and I would drift off into a peaceful slumber, only to be awoken two hours later by my 6’6” husband coming to bed, trying to be super stealthy but never able to slide in undetected. From that moment on, it would be almost impossible for me to get back to the peaceful and restorative place I’d been enjoying pre-him getting into bed.
My husband and I began each day with a daily dose of resentment, until some time after the birth of our second child. Our journey toward a sleep divorce unfolded gradually, but the catalyst was when we both traveled for work we came home feeling great. Why? Sleeping in hotels allowed us to experience the awesome power of separate sleeping quarters. Those trips offered us the luxury of uninterrupted sleep, free from unconscious disturbances — no more being roused by my husband’s chainsaw-like snoring or his bouts of “jimmy legs” (aka restless leg syndrome).
Eventually, we started sleeping in separate bedrooms at home every now and then, too. We’d give each other a quick kiss and I’d glide up the stairs to the primary bedroom and luxuriate in the solitude, do a multi-step skincare regimen, and then read for a bit before rolling over to turn off the lights and drift off to peaceful sleep. He’d sleep down the hall most nights of the week when he was in town.
We had to accept the facts: Retreating to separate sleeping quarters led to more restful slumbers. I pondered, “What if we made this a permanent arrangement?” I vocalized my thoughts to him about four years after we’d started intermittently sleeping in separate rooms. I was pleasantly surprised when he quickly nodded and said, “Yep. I’d be down with that.” I assumed there would be some pushback, but there was none. He was completely on board to officially move into the guest room.
Wanting to ensure we weren’t making a massive marital mistake, I embarked on research only to discover that our decision wasn’t as unique as it seemed. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine revealed that around one-third of cohabitating adults had chosen the path of a sleep divorce to strengthen their bond. This discovery was not only validating, but it also motivated me to start sharing with my friends and clients, in hopes they’d consider it as well. (Many of them were getting terrible sleep and it was affecting literally all aspects of their lives — including their marriages.) My aim was to demystify the concept and push back on stigmas and confining “rules” of marriage.
Initially, my husband and I approached our new sleeping arrangement discreetly, neither openly revealing it nor actively concealing it from friends and family. We hesitated because we were afraid that others might think that our marriage was “headed for divorce.” This societal misconception often paralyzes couples from having conversations about sleep struggles because, to the outside world, if you sleep in the same bedroom, there’s an illusion of closeness and relationship security. And on the reverse side, if you’re sleeping apart it must be because you’re having problems. But my husband and I ultimately decided to sleep in separate rooms not to create distance but to nurture a healthier sleep routine that would actually bring us together as our best selves in the waking world.
With kids, the benefits of our unique arrangement became even more apparent. Separate rooms allowed us to “tag out” to sleep and tag back in once we were rested, our patience restored.
Our experience also challenged the misconception that a sleep divorce jeopardizes intimacy and sexual encounters. Our evenings were characterized by rest and some much-needed personal space, but our intimacy blossomed. We made more of an effort to schedule sex into our daytime calendars and show each other affection by giving hugs that lingered, deeply listening when we spoke about not only our workdays but our long-term goals and dreams. We had makeout sessions, held hands while on walks, and zoned in on each other’s love language. (Mine is acts of service and his is verbal affirmations.) We started really seeing and hearing each other — which felt like an intimacy that didn’t necessarily come automatically with sex.
Juggling parenthood while embracing a sleep divorce also forced open communication with our children. We have candid conversations with our 8- and 11-year-old daughters. Even though they never asked why we slept in separate rooms, we made it a point to proactively explain our new sleeping arrangement. We shared that our sleeping arrangement was a deliberate choice to max out our rest and not want to kill each other in the morning (just kidding…kind of).
In these discussions, I often asked my daughters to imagine sharing a bed with each other — an idea that instantly led to grimaces and the admission that they wouldn’t sleep well. I’d then explain that this was precisely how Mommy and Daddy felt. This practice instilled in them the understanding that every family is different — and that it’s good to ask and advocate for what you need, even if others may not get it.
My mission isn’t just to share my personal journey but also to facilitate a dialogue that explores the wide array of benefits of a sleep divorce. Through research for my book Career Confinement, I’ve come to realize that sleep isn’t merely a restorative act; it serves as a cornerstone of well-being that can profoundly shape our lives. It directly influences professional success, affecting cognitive sharpness, problem-solving capabilities, and emotional resilience. When engaging with clients, I frequently delve into their sleep patterns, recognizing the impact quality sleep plays in peak performance. Sleep enhances clarity, creativity, and adaptability. It isn’t solely about the number of hours spent in bed, but also the quality of rest achieved during those hours.
A sleep divorce begs us to challenge conventional wisdom and societal conditioning and to advocate for the rest that forms the foundation of our relationships and careers. While this path may not resonate with everyone, it’s worked for me. Our experience isn’t so weird now that there’s an increasing number of millennials seeking alternative relationship dynamics. By shedding societal stigmas and embracing open conversations, we can empower everyone to prioritize sleep, nurture their relationships, and improve their days and nights. I think waking up with appreciation for our partners versus resentment is always a good idea and I hope more couples come out of the “sleep divorce closet” so separate bedrooms are embraced as a norm.
Elizabeth Pearson is an executive career coach who helps women navigate job changes, succeed in male-dominated fields, and launch their own companies. Elizabeth has contributes to Forbes and HERMoney and has been an expert guest on national networks including NBC News. She has been a keynote speaker for women in business talks at Meta, Oracle, Marriott, Northwestern Mutual, Amazon, and many more. She received a Certification in Organizational Leadership from the Harvard Business School in 2019. Elizabeth recently released her first book Career Confinement: How to Free Yourself, Find Your Guides, and Seize the Fire of Inspired Work, and is the host of the Working Moms’s Guide to Sanity Podcast.
