And why this is prime time for narcissistic behavior.
If you regularly wonder why the “happiest time of the year” for some is particularly painful for you, it could have something to do with who you spend the special time with. Instead of being joyful, the holidays can be brutal for a victim or survivor of narcissistic abuse.
In both my personal experience and my work as a narcissistic abuse recovery specialist, the holiday stories are extreme:
“He threatened divorce on Christmas Eve. I was terrified it would ruin Christmas for the kids and was willing to do anything to avoid that.”
“She told her family we were engaged. I’d never proposed. We’d never even discussed it. Yet there we were at Thanksgiving dinner. I had no idea what to say.”
“My 60+-year-old father took to screaming at me in front of my husband, children, and strangers at a park where my kids were playing because I gave my parents a beautiful, handcrafted, joint gift, and my dad didn’t have anything of his own to open.”
“While we were separated, I gave him money to buy gifts for our nieces and nephews. When I asked what he’d given them, he responded, ‘Nothing. They know I don’t have any money.’ I was mortified.”
“After the divorce, in a spirit of collaboration, we pooled our money, then I shopped for the kids — I knew them best as they lived with me — and he did the wrapping. Despite him having a clear list of which child gets which gift and from Mom & Dad versus Santa, my youngest daughter unwrapped a gift from Santa that she’d picked out. Immediately, the Secret of Santa was revealed and she was devastated. She quickly hid her gift so the secret wouldn’t be ruined for her siblings.”
Why there’s a clear uptick in narcissistic abuse during the holidays
Narcissists have a great deal of deep-seated shame that they try desperately to hide. Their feelings of unworthiness can be overpowering — especially during the holidays. This makes perfect sense when you consider many of them have experienced narcissistic abuse themselves.
Whether it’s due to criticism and comparisons to siblings or other family members, family/work tension, the financial stress of the season, or the reduced amount of daylight, the narcissist has an increased need for narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply, obtained through ingratiation (praise, validation, attention, or respect) or through aggression (power and control over others through devaluation), is required for a narcissist’s emotional regulation and self-esteem. The narcissist cannot provide it for themselves.
While the need for narcissistic supply is often higher, the narcissist’s ability to obtain it during the holidays is also greater because there are so many ways and opportunities to devalue others.
What does narcissistic abuse look like during the holidays?
Narcissistic abuse during the holidays may look like an escalation of typical abuse tactics or may include new tactics that take advantage of an audience.
Lying and gaslighting often escalate from a desire to push the limits, to see what the narcissist can get away with, or to exert maximum control. And tolerating it makes you worthy of further devaluation in their eyes.
Put-downs are common at baseline but provide even more narcissistic supply when done in front of others, just prior to an important event, or during what would otherwise have been special moments.
The silent treatment, typically a powerful tactic applied behind closed doors, has even more effect when executed in public. Imagine scrambling to make your children, family, and friends believe everything is fine and your relationship is solid while your partner refuses to speak or engage with you, instead acting as if you don’t exist.
Group or family gatherings or celebrations are a golden opportunity to use a dog whistle. The narcissist will use an innocuous word or phrase that has sinister meaning only to the intended recipient. The target’s extreme reaction will draw negative attention from all present, increasing the victim’s sense of isolation and lack of support when they need it most.
They are also an opportune time for public humiliation via shouting, screaming, belittling, airing the victim’s dirty laundry, revealing deepest secrets — anything to increase the victim’s feelings of shame and unworthiness.
The narcissist also finds this an excellent time to amp up triangulation — pitting the victim against a friend, family member, business partner, or co-worker by lying to both about each other.
Weaponized incompetence rears its ugly head during the holidays. The narcissist intentionally does tasks poorly to avoid being asked to do them again. This ensures that their target slaves away in the kitchen, works overtime to ensure a Christmas bonus for the team, or wraps the gifts while the assailant gets to relax.
This time of year, you might see increased financial abuse. The narcissist’s over-spending or requests for money increases financial stress for their victim, dramatically diminishing enjoyment of the holiday experience. The victim trying to rein in the spending is a perfect setup for “You care about money more than people.”
Breadcrumbing is an easy way for a narcissist to get attention during the holidays, either from a romantic partner or others. This involves small, meaningless pieces of communication that lead the other to believe they are genuinely interested in deepening the relationship when they are not.
Future-faking, a future promise the narcissist has no intention of keeping, is also most effective when done in front of an audience. Imagine receiving the “gift” of a trip to Paris in front of friends and family when the trip has not actually been planned or purchased, which only you know means it likely will never happen. If you bring that up later, you’re the one that looks greedy and selfish.
Gift-giving as an abuse tactic is fairly unique to the holidays and is especially painful if that’s your love language. Much like a dog whistle, the narcissist presents you with a gift that, to others, appears normal — even generous. Only you know that the gift was intentionally given in the wrong color or size or is something you’ve explicitly said you don’t like. Whether you react with silence, disappointment, or anger, you are seen negatively, while the narcissist looks like the generous white knight.
Why the holidays?
The narcissist knows that the victim is stuck, that they’re not going to end the relationship just before or during the holidays — especially if they have kids.
Imagine telling your children or loved ones you’re getting divorced the week before Christmas, that you’re no longer going to Grandpa’s for Thanksgiving, or that you quit your toxic job and it could impact how you celebrate the holidays. Though the abuse is intolerable, it’s nearly impossible to take action at this time, especially from a position of powerlessness.
The narcissist escalates the abuse, knowing you will not cut ties, which gives them an immense amount of power and control.
What are some narcissistic tendencies to look out for?
Don’t feel ashamed if removing yourself from the toxic relationship is not an option, given seasonal obligations. While there are ways to escape narcissistic abuse, putting pressure on yourself or rushing the process is not the answer.
For now, there are other ways to cope. Recognizing narcissistic behavior is key to staying out of harm’s way. Simply put, when you want a drama-free holiday, don’t poke the bear.
An overt narcissist will often make themselves the center of attention, like they’re “holding court.” They may brag, talk loudly, or posture to create dominance of the conversation and the room.
They are also most likely to be overt, in other words visible, with their abuse tactics, putting you down, scaring you, or shaming you, then ridiculing your reaction with “It was just a joke,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “Lighten up.” They devalue you, shame your reaction, and gaslight you into believing you’re the problem.
A covert narcissist, on the other hand, is harder to spot. They present as a victim so you feel bad for them. They may manipulate you into giving them money with, “I wouldn’t even ask, but family helps family”; put you down so subtly you’re not sure if it was a putdown; or make themselves so incompetent they are requested to not contribute.
How to survive the holidays with a narcissist
It might feel unfair for you to have to go out of your way to avoid abuse, and you’re absolutely right. They’re the ones who should be inconvenienced. But if it’s not a good time to end the relationship, give yourself some grace until you can.
For now, control what you can. Limit your exposure as much as possible. If your mom criticizes your pie crust, bring something else for dessert. If your uncle gets drunk and hostile by 8 p.m., be sure to leave by 7:30. If your partner likes to push you to the brink of tears to humiliate you in public, take your own transportation and bow out early.
Set boundaries where safe and possible. Narcissists do not like or honor boundaries, so Thanksgiving dinner with your extended family may not be the best place to introduce them. Instead, create boundaries they won’t recognize as boundaries. Arrive late or leave early due to napping children, another commitment, or a headache. Excuse yourself to eat at the kids’ table — it will look like you’re tending to your kids while you escape the toxic adults.
Create alternate arrangements. Celebrate with your parents the day before to avoid a narcissistic sibling. Host a work holiday luncheon and be unavailable for the evening holiday party to avoid your toxic boss’s drunken behavior.
Know that it’s absolutely OK to say NO, to prioritize what you need. Decline the invitation. Leave early. Return the offensive gift. Take care of you.
The sad yet empowering reality is that no one will treat you better than you treat yourself. When you shame, blame, and punish yourself, you invite others to shame, blame, and punish you. And when you’re in a toxic family, relationship, or workplace, there will be many willing to do just that.
What the narcissist and other toxic people don’t realize is that you hold all the power. Choose to define how you’re treated. Choose to create new relationships and new experiences.
You’re worth it.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a rapid narcissistic abuse recovery specialist and executive consultant who helps Soul-driven leaders transcend their past experience of narcissistic abuse so they can create greater impact and fulfillment while they change the world. Download her free guide, 7 Surprising, Costly Mistakes Leaders Make After Narcissistic Abuse and find information about her upcoming holiday survival program on her website.
