It’s a narcissist’s secret weapon.
I thought I was a smart, savvy woman with a great radar for detecting the truth until I realized I’d been future faked.
“Melissa, it’s all good. Keep doing what you’re doing. I’ve got bigger things planned for you.”
This is how my boss explained why my colleague with fewer qualifications got a promotion I was eyeing. When I pointed this out, I was encouraged to give even more time and expertise to various unpaid committees. That carrot dangled for six years.
This is a common manipulation tactic often used by narcissists. It’s called future faking, but at the time, I had no idea what that meant. Even more, I had no idea how pervasive and damaging this manipulation tactic was. Once I saw it clearly, I realized I’d been future faked more times than I could count.
Chances are you have, too.
What is future faking?
Future faking is a manipulation tactic employed when a narcissist or toxic person promises to fulfill your desires in the future to get something they want in the present — which is often simply to get off scot-free, delay a commitment, obtain resources, or avoid a conflict.
Usually, these desires are so strong, they make you get out of bed in the morning, exert extreme effort, and persevere despite challenges. Maybe you really want to have a baby, get a promotion, make your marriage work, or go see your relatives in Italy before they pass.
Sometimes the desire is entirely subconscious. You want this guy you met online to be “the one,” because you don’t want to be alone, or you want the new job to prove that you’re good enough.
Regardless of your awareness of it, the strength of the desire is so strong, you’ll do anything to get to that end goal. You’re willing to give up your career if your spouse insists that’s what’s required to have a kid in the future, work 80 hours a week if you’re told it will lead to a promotion, or tolerate intolerable behavior from a partner because they promise change is on the way.
The future faker plays on the strength of your desire to get you to do something you wouldn’t otherwise do. If you reverse some of the scenarios mentioned above, you’ll see how this works: Would you give up your career if your spouse didn’t say you couldn’t balance both work and parenthood? Would you work 80 hours per week if you knew you wouldn’t actually get the promotion in the end? Would you tolerate abusive behavior if your partner didn’t promise they’d get their act together soon?
These sound a lot like empty promises or avoidance, and that’s because sometimes future faking is intentional — like the guy who says he’s going to call, knowing he never will. But the difference is that it can also be entirely unintentional: The spouse who promises to change to keep you from leaving, yet never does.
Future faking is more manipulative than simply lying because it leverages your deepest desires. You desperately want to believe what they say is true and that creates a blindspot, leaving you less likely to recognize the pattern than with a traditional lie.
Where does future faking occur?
Future faking is commonly thought of as a tactic used during dating. While this is true, it grossly underestimates the use of this tactic in other situations.
In romantic relationships
In romantic relationships, the future faker often takes advantage of your longing for a stable, healthy partnership. For example:
- You wait and wait for a commitment. Years, even a decade, go by. You share your heartfelt thoughts about what you need to stay in this relationship. They propose marriage to entice you to stay, then are unwilling to set a date.
- You express feeling isolated, disconnected, and alone. They say they’ll plan a weekend getaway for the two of you to reconnect. That weekend never comes.
- You want to talk. They say they’ll call you later. They don’t.
- You’re interested in someone and they know it. You suggest catching a movie. They say they’ll check their calendar and get back to you. When they reach out, they don’t mention getting together at all, but expect your attention regardless.
In friendships and families
This type of manipulation can occur in friendships, too. People will take advantage of your desire to have a companion to get what they want. Think of the jock who promised the smart kid future friendship so that he’d do his homework, and after getting the A, never so much as acknowledged the kid in the hallway.
It can happen with family members, as well. It could be as simple and seemingly innocent as your sibling promising this will be the last year you have to host the holidays, knowing how important family time is to you but not acknowledging what a burden it has been for you to host every year. Yet the same thing happens the following year.
Maybe your parents mistreat you but earn your loyalty by dangling the carrot of inheritance in front of you, then write you out of the will.
At work
This type of manipulation is more commonly employed in the workplace than you’d think and is often wrapped up in a raise. Here’s what it can look like:
- Your boss promises a promotion or a raise to encourage you to work more but this goes on for years.
- You bring up something sticky in a meeting. They tell you that’s a great topic for the next meeting, then never address it again.
- You’re drowning, doing the work of three in your department. Your boss says they’re actively hiring and you’ll have help soon. Three years later, the story is the same.
In scams
Future faking is used in many successful scams today, such as:
- An elderly person is told if they purchase and provide gift card numbers to this unknown caller, they will receive a large sum of money
- The promise of marriage or wealth from a foreign prince in exchange for financial resources today
- The promise of a free iPhone prize if you enter your personal information
Nearly no one would purchase and give money or personal information to a stranger if they weren’t promised something they wanted in return. In these cases, the desire to eliminate financial hardship, alleviate loneliness, or even receive a desired prize is so strong, the possibility of the lie is overlooked.
Why would someone future fake?
The answer is simple: People make these empty promises because it benefits them in the present moment.
Future faking is often used to avoid or end a conflict. It’s easier to say, “I’ll call you,” than “I’m not that into you.” It’s easier to table that crunchy workplace topic than to discuss it. It’s easier to short-circuit a difficult divorce discussion by putting a bandaid over it with a trip. But what makes it more complex than sheer avoidance is that people future fake to get something they want, such as your hard work, attention, or financial resources.
If the future faker has narcissistic personality disorder, they also future fake for three important reasons.
First, to gain narcissistic supply, which is required for a narcissist’s survival. They’re unable to regulate their emotions or maintain self-esteem without it. Narcissistic supply can come from positive things like admiration, validation, and attention, or it can come from negative things, like power, control, and devaluing others.
Second, they use it to preserve their persona, the mask or costume that a narcissist shows the world to hide their true self. Think of it as playing a role. They’re playing the role of someone successful, powerful, wealthy, or in the case of a covert narcissist, someone friendly, generous, and self-deprecating who’s been victimized by the world.
They also use it to strengthen your trauma bond. Much like Stockholm Syndrome, the trauma bond prevents you from seeing you’re in an abusive relationship, causes you to stay in that toxic relationship even once you see it, and makes you long for them to come back when the relationship has ended.
How to recognize future faking
Future faking is entirely invisible to most victims because they so desperately want the words to be true. The victim is so attached to the outcome, they believe the lie to hold onto hope.
This is why victims of narcissistic abuse, especially covert narcissistic abuse, often stay in these toxic relationships or scenarios for decades.
Imagine being incredibly hurt by the behavior of someone you love. You share your feelings, and you hear, “I am so sorry. I never want to hurt you. You deserve so much more. I promise I will do better in the future.”
To hear those words from someone you love, someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with sounds like a dream — until you realize the number of times you’ve brought up this exact behavior, heard a similar apology and promise to change, and nothing has changed.
To recognize future faking you must be willing to notice when the person’s actions don’t match their words, even when you want their words to be true.
How to avoid being future faked
To avoid being future faked, you must be willing to see the truth, whether you like it or not.
When your emotions are running high, it’s helpful to take a step back into the role of an observer and state some facts.
Your inner dialogue should sound something like this:
- “He says there’s a big promotion planned for me. I’ve heard that numerous times in the past six years. I’m currently working 60 hours per week, and I’d like to see my kids more.”
- “I’ve always wanted to go to Italy. It’s been a dream for years. He’s offered to plan the Italy trip several times in the past to end an argument. We still haven’t made the trip.”
- “I have a need to connect in person to see if this relationship has potential. She says she’ll come for a visit. I’ve been waiting for six months.”
Once you face the truth, you’ll feel more empowered to make a clear-headed decision about how to proceed.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a trauma and narcissistic abuse expert who frees survivors from the aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Grab her new book here or learn more on her website.
