It’s called a “dog whistle” and you’ve likely experienced it.
While I’ve been studying narcissistic abuse for decades, it took a sibling squabble — not a textbook or even in-the-field experience — for me to understand a tell-tale tactic so often used in toxic relationships.
I was on vacation with my kids, sitting in a restaurant and enjoying quality family time when suddenly my daughter started sobbing and yelling uncontrollably. I had no idea what happened; I didn’t see or hear any trigger for this mood and behavior change.
What I didn’t know was that her older sibling had sent my daughter a dog whistle, a devastatingly painful put-down or devaluation that only the perpetrator, the intended target, and a select few “in the know” recognize. Cloaked as an innocuous phrase or code word, the dog whistle can be easily missed by outside observers. Though the meaning of the code word (which was the name Tyler) was known to my kids, it took days before I identified the pattern and understood what happened.
Dog whistles are commonly employed by narcissists to control someone or even masses of people. This isn’t to say I think my child was exhibiting narcissistic behavior — manipulation can occur in all types of relationships, even between kids. But when the dog whistle is utilized consistently in an adult relationship, it can be a sign of narcissistic abuse.
What is a dog whistle?
This toxic, narcissistic abuse tactic takes its name from a physical dog whistle, a metal object that makes a sound so high-pitched that only a dog can hear it. The dog understands its meaning, but no one else even hears it.
The term is often used to discuss the tactic of a politician who uses a seemingly innocuous word or phrase to signal their followers. The followers understand the intended meaning, sometimes to create a sense of belonging, other times to take action. The non-followers are initially none the wiser.
Dog whistles are also used by narcissists to devalue or control their loved ones in dysfunctional relationship dynamics. In this case, a person says a seemingly innocuous word or phrase in public and in the presence of the person they wish to devalue. That person, the victim in this case, understands the meaning, but no one else does.
Similar to a safe word, its meaning is very clear. But the impact is the opposite.
What does dog whistling look like?
An overt narcissist’s dog whistle openly intends to rally those around them. We recognize these words and phrases all around us: ”second amendment people,” “save the children,” “stand back and stand by,” and “law and order,” to name a few.
A covert, or vulnerable, narcissist uses a dog whistle undetectably. The dog whistle only works if no one on the outside of the relationship recognizes it.
Imagine a couple at a party. They both seem to be having a good time and are talking to a group of friends. The husband starts telling a story about how nice it was that his wife made fried eggs for him. Suddenly, she looks mortified, bursts into tears, and runs out of the room.
The phrase “fried eggs” was used as a dog whistle, a phrase he’d chosen and used before to punish his wife and insult her cooking, as in “she can’t even fry an egg.” She knows this meaning and receives his message. The other party guests have no idea what happened. The husband appeared to have been complimenting his wife and appreciating her care for him. She looks hysterical or crazy, he looks like a saint, and he further takes the opportunity to reinforce these beliefs with the others.
Sometimes a dog whistle is a veiled threat of things to come.
In another scenario, a divorcing couple is meeting with their attorneys and a mediator to reach a settlement. The discussion seems amicable and progress is being made. The next thing you know, the wife is yelling and screaming and her attorney hurriedly escorts her into the hall. With a straightforward and calm tone, her husband had asked, “Who will care for Malcolm?” His wife immediately understood the meaning, recalling his explicit threat to sever her relationship with her beloved dog permanently if she persisted in legal action against him.
The question seemed innocent enough to the other parties, but to his wife the threat was clear. She’d just advocated for equitable division of assets, and he made it clear to her only that if she persists, her relationship with her dog is at risk. To the legal professionals, she appears unhinged. He appears calm and level-headed. The balance of power shifts in his favor.
What is the narcissist’s endgame?
Though narcissistic personality disorder is a complicated disorder, the narcissist’s needs are simple. They require narcissistic supply from others to regulate their emotions and self-esteem, as they are unable to meet this need for themselves. They also need to preserve their persona, the role they play in the world, and the false reality they’ve created with it.
A narcissist obtains narcissistic supply from others through validation, admiration, sympathy, praise, and attention (either positive or negative). They also obtain it by devaluing others and/or exerting power and control over them.
The dog whistle tactic gives the narcissist abundant narcissistic supply while preserving their persona, the false self they show the world. The dog whistle is intended to devalue the person aware of the meaning. The victim’s ensuing reaction provides additional supply as the narcissist revels in the power and control they have over this person. Finally, the narcissist receives attention, sympathy, validation, and praise from the witnesses who believe the narcissist to be innocent.
This is the trifecta of narcissistic supply. The narcissist plays up their innocence, under the guise of plausible deniability, to reinforce their false narrative to several witnesses. They play the role of a lifetime.
What to do when you witness a dog whistle
If you’re the intended target of a dog whistle, your best move is to not react in the moment. This diffuses the power of the tactic. When you continue the conversation as if you didn’t hear it, or as if you don’t understand the secret meaning, the narcissist will try again. They were expecting the trifecta of narcissistic supply and won’t give up easily. When you remain emotionally regulated and non-plussed, you take back your power.
After the situation has passed, seek out the validation and counsel of a therapist or other trusted professional to determine if this is a relationship you wish to continue.
If you’re instead the witness of this unusual dynamic, where someone has an intense emotional reaction with no apparent trigger, consider you may have witnessed a dog whistle. Think back to what specifically was said. Recall whether you’ve seen this person react like this previously. Gracefully exit the conversation. (If you’re mistaken, no one will find this odd. If you’re correct, the victim may believe you to be a safe person.)
After the situation has passed, reach out to the person who experienced the intense emotional reaction. Chances are they feel embarrassed and ashamed. Offer the chance to be seen and heard. They may have never heard the term dog whistle, so if you feel comfortable, name the behavior. Labeling it goes a long way toward helping the victim make sense of their experience.
Once you’ve seen a victim’s reaction to a dog whistle, you’ll never forget it, and you’ll recognize this toxic tactic more quickly in the future. You have the opportunity to become a safe space and advocate for victims of this nearly invisible abuse. It happens far more often than you’d think.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a narcissistic abuse survivor turned recovery specialist and CEO of Sustainably You where we help Soul-driven leaders transcend their experience of narcissistic abuse to create massive leaps in their health, wealth, and relationships. Download her free guide, 7 Surprising, Costly Mistakes Leaders Make After Narcissistic Abuse, and find information about working with her on her website.
