Whether it comes after a long illness or is sudden and unexpected, there’s nothing as painful as the death of a loved one. While loss impacts everyone differently, for some people, grief can feel all-consuming — a force so powerful that it alters daily life, strains relationships, and makes it difficult to imagine the future. And while time may soften the sharpest edges of grief, it rarely follows a straight line.
Whether you’re supporting someone through their grief or trying to navigate through it yourself, there are strategies to help you cope. We asked Reshawna Chapple, Ph.D., LCSW, an associate professor in the School of Social Work at the University of Central Florida and a therapist with Talkspace, for guidance for those who feel like grief will never end and for those who want to help keep someone’s memory alive long after the funeral.
Prepare for the shock to wear off
If you’ve ever seen a new widow graciously greeting every mourner by name or heard a young adult deliver a eulogy for a parent without shedding a tear, you might think, “That person is so strong.” But the reality is that in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s passing, most of us are so busy and overwhelmed that we don’t even have time to process the loss. “Right after someone passes, there’s usually a lot of support — people visit, they cook for you, they make sure you’re getting enough rest,” says Dr. Chapple. “But during that time, the grieving person is in fight or flight mode — they’re feeling a rush of adrenaline that can make it appear like they’re holding it together.”
It’s once everyone leaves and things go back to “normal” that most people feel the real gravity of loss. “If you’ve called your mom every day for years, you might not remember she’s not there to answer until the phone is already ringing,” says Dr. Chapple. “When you begin to have these little realizations that knock the wind out of you, it’s often right after your immediate support system has had to return to their own obligations.”
Keep expectations low
For some people in the throes of grief, it can take months before it feels possible to even get out of bed. As a friend or family member, witnessing this can be uncomfortable; it’s heartbreaking to see someone you care about in pain. While your instinct may be to tell this person how to feel better, Dr. Chapple says a better approach is to give them the opportunity to figure it out themselves: “When you ask a grieving person what they want or need, often the answer is going to be ‘I don’t know.’ In that case, try making gentle suggestions to get them moving.” This doesn’t mean you need to get the person to go for a run; it can be as simple as asking if they want to take a bath and put on new pajamas while you change their sheets. Maybe by tomorrow, they’ll be up for a short walk.
Break down tasks
When you’re grieving, chores like cleaning the house can feel monumental. That’s why Dr. Chapple suggests focusing only on the basic necessities and breaking them down. Instead of “I have to clean the whole house,” consider “Today, I need to clean the bathroom.” And don’t feel guilty if you need to take breaks. “If you start crying while you’re cooking dinner, sit down for a minute and let yourself cry, and then get back to dinner,” says Dr. Chapple. “This doesn’t make you a pitiful person — it’s about showing yourself compassion.”
Feel your feelings
We all know the movie trope of the grouchy old man who yells at his neighbors, when secretly he’s pushing everyone away because he’s mourning the loss of his wife or old friend. “When you bottle up the feelings of rage and anger that come with grief, it’s only a matter of time before you explode,” Dr. Chapple warns.
When a grieving person turns their anger outward, it can isolate them from their other relationships, which is why it’s important to give someone space to express their anger. “Encourage the person you’re supporting to identify what they’re feeling,” says Dr. Chapple. “When you get someone to name the emotion, then you can get to why they’re feeling that way, if there’s anything they can do about it, or if they want to get past it. Sometimes, people just want to sit in their anger, and it’s OK to acknowledge that, too.”
Encourage connection
There are no rules when it comes to grieving, and some people prefer to be alone. While it’s important to respect their wishes, Dr. Chapple suggests continuing to check in. “If someone says they want some alone time, give it to them, but don’t stop asking,” she says. “Even if they don’t want to talk, sometimes just being present and sitting quietly with someone is a comfort they didn’t even know they needed.”
For some, losing a partner means losing the only consistent form of connection. While forming new relationships isn’t something to focus on in the immediate aftermath of loss, it’s an important step in the months and years to follow. “Joining grief groups or support groups can be really helpful, because everyone there understands what you’re going through,” says Dr. Chapple. If it’s either inconvenient or too overwhelming to join a support group in-person, there are plenty online — and if you don’t like one, try another. Dr. Chapple also suggests looking for camaraderie in activities you already love: “I encourage people to think of something that brings them joy, and find a way to turn that into a social connection, whether that’s joining a book club, or a community service project, or a new gym.”
Preserve the important memories
Sometimes, after a loved one passes, living among their things can be a painful reminder of their absence. But if your immediate instinct is to throw everything away, Dr. Chapple recommends thinking twice: “If it’s helpful to you to get rid of everything, I’d encourage you to at least put aside a box of items, or ask someone else to do it for you. Someday, you might feel ready to revisit those memories.”
When supporting someone through their grief, revisiting the past can provide unexpected moments of joy. “When someone’s spouse died a year ago, or even a decade ago, sometimes their biggest fear is that their partner will be forgotten,” Dr. Chapple notes. While most people enjoy little reminders that they aren’t carrying a loved one’s memory alone, if you’re uncomfortable having those conversations, put your thoughts in writing. “Make a calendar reminder for every six months to send that person a card with a memory or story about the person they lost,” she suggests. “That takes the burden off of them to engage if they don’t want to, but it’s your way of saying, ‘this person existed, and was important, and will not be forgotten.'”
Grief doesn't have an expiration date, and there is no "right" way to carry the people we've lost. But with time, support, and self-compassion, it's possible to build a life that makes room for both sorrow and joy — one where memories remain a source of connection rather than only pain.
