My friend Joel never asked for help. For 56 years, he carried his demons beneath a warm and welcoming smile. When his wife and daughter found him dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound last week, they were beyond heartsick. So were his other family members, colleagues, and close friends.
"How could this have happened?" was the question we were all asking ourselves and one another.
In the hours that followed, we moved from disbelief — "This couldn't have really happened" — to the all-too-real realization: Joel had taken his own life.
Sitting together at his home, wondering whether this wonderful man could have admitted his pain to any one of us, we blamed ourselves for complying with his silence. Why hadn't we suspected the depth of his distress and desperation, or implored him to talk about the pain and pressure he was quietly feeling? Why hadn't we gotten to know him better? And what was standing in the way of him asking for help?
Joel's silence reflects a pattern many men learn early in life: Asking for help feels like a sign of weakness and failure.
As kids, we all learn four-letter words. At the top of the forbidden list are f*** and s***. Most of us learn when to use them and when not to. For boys, during the early training to "be a man," cursing — and the swagger that comes with it — often becomes an asset. Curse words can elevate one's ranking on what might be called the male scale. Some guys master the art of calling people out or putting them down. Eventually, the language of profanity even finds its way into popular music.
Rarely, however, would a boy or man employ the four-letter word beginning with an H to request help. Asking for help would pose a threat to his status as a boy — or, later, a man. For many men, help becomes the least-used four-letter word in their vocabulary. Ironically, a plea for help from someone else often became a powerful call to action, whether from selfless altruism or to seek status, power, attention, or something in return.
Calling, asking, or signaling for help puts many men's and boys' status and identity at risk. Even though it might be one of the healthiest, most honest, and courageous things a person could do, they chose to hide, deny, or deflect their need for support. The cost of hiding, denying, and silencing pain, sorrow, or worries is enormous — suffering avoidable losses, broken relationships, and unnecessary crises born of the pressure to appear strong and self-reliant.
The refusal to ask for — or allow — help has resulted in countless tragedies.
When despair deepens, fears escalate, and anxiety festers, we can fall into a state of debilitation and desperation.
Refusing to step forward and get the help we need, we waste time rationalizing, justifying, or excusing bad decisions. Good marriages, careers, health, and integrity are thrown under the bus. Some even resort to violence. Gravely concerned, family members and friends beg us to be honest with ourselves and admit that we need help. They plead with us in hopes of helping us salvage our marriage, family life, career, and health.
Breaking free of the resistance many of us have to asking for help may be one of the hardest things we've ever done. Yet it can also be surprisingly simple. On one hand, it can feel impossible. On the other hand, it may require only a moment of faith, a deep breath of courage, and the humble willingness to say yes to help.
I keep wondering what might have been different if Joel had allowed himself to ask for help. Had he hinted about being at the end of his rope and ending his life, here are a few things we could have said to get him help.
1. Can we talk? I love/care about you, and I'm really concerned about how you're doing.
2. I want you to admit the truth to yourself — that you need help.
You're struggling, and you need help. It might be hard for you to hear this and face what's going on, but you need to. Some excuses and reasons are keeping you silent. But they are not helping you. Please trust me and agree to getting some help now.
3. We need to reach out to someone you trust right now.
You need to talk to someone who can help you. It might be a trusted and qualified therapist, a clergy member, a family member, or a close friend.
4. Let's make a plan for getting you support.
Mobilizing the resources that help you regain your footing can take time. So can healing. You can also help yourself by going for walks in nature, reading or listening to something uplifting, listening to soothing music, connecting with good friends, engaging in spiritual practice, or joining a support group. Your plan might include cutting back on your schedule by opting out of or postponing stressful activities.
5. Start saying no to what drains you.
Distance yourself from people and situations that make things even harder. Say yes to the people and experiences that offer support, hope, energy, and encouragement.
6. Get professional help.
Say yes to help. Stop fighting the idea that asking for help makes you less of a man — or less of a good person. Reaching out may be one of the bravest things that you ever do.
A skilled therapist or psychiatrist can provide guidance, perspective, and tools to help you work through what's holding you back.
I wish I could have told my friend Joel, "You will rise from this dark and difficult time in your life. Keep the faith, stay in the fight, and please get the help you need."
The article originally appeared in PsychologyToday.com.
Ken Druck, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, facilitator, executive coach, and regular presenter at universities such as the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of California San Diego Department of Psychiatry.
