If you’ve ever seen the Showtime series Couples Therapy, you already know that Orna Guralnik, PsyD, is somewhat of a legend. In a world where more and more people are suffering from an epidemic of loneliness, Dr. Guralnik has dedicated her career to helping us connect and create lasting partnerships.
In a new episode of Next Question, Kate spoke with Dr. Guralnik about her life, career, and the uptick in loneliness she’s seen among single people as well as those in long-term relationships.
While almost half of couples meet online these days, if you ask a single person how they feel about dating apps, they’ll probably tell you they hate them — whether that's because they turn people into a commodity or because they feel so impersonal. But Dr. Guralnik thinks the main problem with modern dating is a lot more nuanced: “People are trying to make a connection in a world where the future doesn’t exactly feel bright,” she says. “We’ve got a climate crisis, anxiety about AI… It’s hard to imagine what values will be like in the future. But I don’t think the apps are the problem. They can actually be a great way to meet new people, and they’ve brought many of us out of a state of isolation.”
Even those in years-long relationships can find themselves feeling lonely. There are plenty of reasons why a couple might drift apart, but Dr. Guralnik says the underlying issue is often about a failure to listen: “Figuring out what it means to actually listen to another person is excruciatingly difficult for some people,” she explains. “We're all so absorbed in our own thoughts and feelings. When people learn the craft of listening, it’s a game-changer.”
What’s the best way to become a better listener? The first step, says Dr. Guralnik, is surprisingly easy: “Start with phrases like ‘Talk to me,’ or 'Tell me more.’” While it’s tempting to begin conversations with our partners by telling them about our own concerns, letting the other person have the floor for a while — without getting defensive or sharing our own grievances — can make a world of difference.
When we get to a point where we think we're always right and the other person is always wrong, it can lead to a phenomenon called splitting. Dr. Guralnik explains: “Splitting is when the psyche tries to preserve all the good inside the self and project all the bad outside. ‘I'm all good, and you are bad,’ or ‘I'm never angry. Why are you always angry?’” We’ve seen this type of emotional myopia play out on a larger scale, whether on social media or in our own government, but it happens in relationships, too. Dr. Guralnik says that the first step in getting past splitting is to acknowledge your own culpability: “You need to integrate the good and bad in yourself: I can be loyal and generous, but I can also be a jerk sometimes. In the same way, the person I love sometimes does me good, but sometimes they disappoint me. Only then can you start to integrate those two parts.”
In a world that often feels disconnected, the work of connection isn’t about ditching apps or finding the perfect partner — it’s about showing up with curiosity, humility, and a willingness to truly hear another person. As Dr. Guralnik reminds us, real intimacy begins when we stop trying to be right and start trying to understand.
