One January, many years ago, I decided it was time to open myself up to finding love. My divorce had been finalized months before, I’d been in therapy for years, and it was a new year. The timing felt right.
Being a doctor with five kids, I wasn’t going to waste a single moment at singles’ events, so I created an online profile. Enter suitor no. 1: His profile made him seem interesting and attractive, as if living an amazing life as a professional in Chicago. Even better, he was so attentive. Through our written messages, I felt seen and heard for the first time in years. I credited all of my therapy for helping me evolve enough to skip rebound relationships and attract someone amazing on the first shot. After about a month of talking, and before we ever met, he revealed that, contrary to how he presented himself on the app, he was unemployed, living in the middle of nowhere with his mom, drinking until he passed out every night, and counting on me to employ him.
On to the next.
I melted into a puddle any time I talked to suitor no. 4 by phone or text. The chemistry was intense. Unfortunately, he didn’t want to talk about anything real. That one also ended before we met. But the icing on the cake was suitor no. 6: an options trader from Chicago. We met a few times before he asked me to invest $50,000 so he could trade options. He even offered to “guarantee” a 15 percent ROI and pay me the $7,500 up front. He exploded at me when I passed on his “generous offer.” That was our final conversation.
Why was I attracting this type of narcissistic manipulator? The common denominator was me. I was determined to figure out why — and I wouldn't date again until I did.
The “biological override”: Why smart women are the perfect targets
I honestly thought that as an intelligent, successful woman in her 40s, I was now immune to toxic relationships. I had done so much therapy and experienced such personal growth that romance scams weren't even on my radar.
Unfortunately, intelligent, successful women are often the most susceptible to romance scams, but not for the reasons you think. It’s not because you’re weak, desperate, or stupid. You’re none of those things. You’re susceptible because of your high intelligence and empathy.
The predator isn’t connecting with your soul. They are hacking your biology.
When you stop asking, “How could I be so stupid?” or “Why didn’t I see it sooner?” and start asking, “How is my brain wired for connection, and how was that exploited?” you not only see how the magic trick was performed, but you're never fooled again.
The mirror reuron trap: falling in love with…yourself
The human brain has mirror neurons, or brain cells specifically designed to enhance empathy and social connection. They allow us to understand what others are doing and, more importantly, what they're feeling. With highly developed mirror neurons, when someone else cries, you cry. When someone feels anxious, you feel anxious. And the experience of past emotional trauma often increases mirror neuron functioning.
A narcissistic predator, on the other hand, doesn’t have a solid sense of self, let alone an ability to empathize with others. They are skilled chameleons who identify your values, your dreams, and your unique style, then reflect your own attributes and characteristics back to you with high intensity.
The familiarity and alignment you feel isn’t because you’ve met your soulmate or twin flame; it's because you're looking at a version of your best self reflected back to you by a vacant mirror.
The chemical cocktail: oxytocin, dopamine, and the “rush”
The intense chemistry you experience isn’t romance. It’s love bombing — the first step in any narcissistic relationship. Being love-bombed unleashes a massive chemical rush through the release of oxytocin and dopamine, creating both a desire for future rushes and a deep attachment to the person who triggers them.
Predators capitalize on the chemical rush and strike while the iron is hot. They move fast. This speed prevents your prefrontal cortex (your logical brain) from assessing the threat. They rely on the chemical reaction to eliminate your need for due diligence.
True intimacy, by contrast, is a slow burn that develops over time. Many mistakenly believe the “spark” is the sign of true love. Instead, it’s often a warning sign. Nervousness or “butterflies” aren't always a good sign; they can be code for anxiety or danger. Peace is your body’s code for safety.
The high achiever trap
Chameleon mirroring is exhausting. The predator cannot keep it up forever. When their mask slips, they reveal their true thoughts, beliefs, and feelings — especially their deep-seated shame. Your mirror neurons “catch” their feelings; you feel their sadness, their fear, their feelings of failure, or their shame. And if you’re a problem-solver, you want to fix them. That's why you might invest in their "business," loan them money to accomplish some goal, or look past the red flags.
If you say no or start asking questions, they'll show you who they really are by lashing out, giving you the silent treatment, or emotionally withdrawing. Your highly intelligent mind investigates your behavior, looking for ways to improve or change so you can be who they need and feel that chemical rush again.
The high achiever’s trap is their growth mindset — their relentless drive for self-improvement. You don’t see the other person’s dysfunction; you welcome the challenge. And when you take ownership of solving it, they offload all of their responsibility.
Avoiding romance scams
So are those with high intelligence and high empathy destined to give all their money away to a fraudster or risk being alone forever? Or do they need to become less intelligent or have less empathy? Fortunately, the answer to both is no.
The first step is to recognize that intense chemistry is often a red flag, a warning that your biology has been hijacked, not a sign of true love.
The second is to slow things down to assess the risk. Scammers rely on speed and the intensity of the chemical rush to take the logical part of your mind offline. Take back control of your own biology.
Next, you learn to separate the facts from feelings. Your high-functioning mirror neurons make feelings intense. Scammers rely on this intensity to bypass your critical thinking and due diligence. When you strip out the feelings and let the chemical rush fade, you see the facts clearly. Fact: They lied, and you caught it. Feeling: You're drowning in their overwhelming fear and shame. The facts, and how you respond to them, predict your future.
Finally, focus your problem-solving skills solely on yourself. Use your growth mindset for your own personal evolution, not to solve their dysfunction.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a trauma and rapid narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She helps soul-driven leaders transcend the past to create greater impact and fulfillment while they change the world. Download your Clarity Guide to uncover the 22 hidden signs that narcissistic abuse may still be impacting your life, and find out more about working with Dr. Melissa on her website.
