And what particularly makes women stray.
Cheating: It’s the ultimate betrayal and a leading reason for divorce — so why do people do it? Even though the idea of men cheating on their wives is so commonplace that there are entire tropes about it (like the whole midlife-crisis-upgrading-to-a-younger-model thing, or Don Draper’s entire persona) it doesn’t mean women always remain faithful — it just means we don’t talk about it. There are reasons for that, including the fact that up until recently, most women weren’t in a financial or social position to risk blowing up their marriages. But women do commit infidelity: Studies show that anywhere from 13 to 15 percent of women admit to cheating on their spouses (compared to about 20 to 25 percent of men).
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of infidelity or thought of stepping out yourself, you’ve probably wondered, why? We’ve explored why people cheat (the answers are a mix of standard, like meeting an attractive person unexpectedly, and shocking) and in that research, we dug a little deeper into what compels women to stray. Of course, no group of people is a monolith, but we spoke to some experts and uncovered some interesting findings about female infidelity.
Who cheats more, men or women?
According to research, men cheat more than women. The General Social Survey, one of the most influential studies in social sciences, found that, in 2018 and 2019, 20 percent of men admitted to having sex with someone other than their spouse while they were married, compared to 13 percent of women. However, the gender divide seems to expand with age: In 2010, the study found that 12.9 percent of women ages 18 to 24 reported cheating on their spouses, compared to 15.9 percent of men in that age range. But among people 65 and older, women are less than half as likely as men to report that they have ever cheated — 9.5 versus 25 percent. Meaning, women seem less likely to cheat as they get older.
Interestingly, though, men’s and women’s attitudes toward cheating don’t always match up with the prevalence. According to the GSS from 2021, 71.6 percent of men think cheating is “always wrong,” compared to 64.5 percent of women. But on the flip side, only 1.4 percent of women thought cheating on your spouse is “not wrong at all,” compared to 2.3 percent of men. So, no, women don’t cheat more than men, but their attitudes toward infidelity might be more nuanced.
Why do women cheat?
Writer Susan Shapiro Barash was interested in finding out more about why women are driven to infidelity, so she set out to talk to women who’ve had affairs. She’s written about the topic for 30 years and detailed her findings in her book, A Passion For More: Affairs That Make or Break Us. Barash spoke with women all over the United States of different ages, socioeconomic statuses, education levels, race, and religions, who all had one thing in common: They’d cheated on their partners. She found that, even though every situation was different, the affairs could be boiled down to one of four types: empowering affairs, sex-driven affairs, love affairs, and self-esteem affairs.
The sex-driven affair is, like it sounds, purely done for physical reasons. Also self-explanatory is the love affair, where women did not set out to cheat on their spouses but happened to fall in love with someone else. Others sought out new connections because their partner wasn’t making them feel valued, appreciated, or loved (self-esteem affair), and some just wanted to be able to experience the same kind of sexual freedom often afforded to men (empowering affair).
Jo Piazza, the host of the iHeartPodcast She Wants More, which builds upon Barash’s research and also interviews a different set of women engaging in affairs, found another reason behind the infidelity. “Women are just desperate for autonomy over their own bodies,” she tells Katie Couric Media. Whether it’s the Supreme Court striking down federal abortion protections or women becoming mothers and literally having to share their bodies with another being, she says, “I think a lot of these women chose to have affairs just to exert that autonomy and that control over their bodies for the first time in a while.”
What age are women most likely to have affairs?
Is the seven-year itch legit? Maybe. Ashley Madison, a website for people looking for affairs, surveyed 2,066 female members between July and September 2019 and found that, on average, women in the United States had an affair 7.2 years into their marriage. According to the Population Reference Bureau, between 2015 and 2019, the median age at first marriage for women was 28, up from 26.3 years old in 2006-2010. So that means women were having affairs in their mid-30s and up.
But there’s no age limit to infidelity. In Barash’s research, she’s found that women of all ages are deciding to have affairs. “We’re talking about women in their early 20s, who might be engaged or just have started to live with a partner, to women in their 80s,” Barash tells Katie Couric Media. But she has noticed that the trope of midlife crisis affairs does hold true for women as it does for men. Consistently in her research, she’s noticed women approaching or turning 40, taking stock of their partner and life, and wondering, “How many good years do I have left?” For women who are already feeling dissatisfied with certain aspects of their relationship, this reflection can lead them to either seek out an affair or continue engaging in one.
How do men and women approach affairs differently?
At the risk of sounding overly simplistic, some experts have found differences in the way men and women have affairs — generally, of course. Gary Lewandowski, Ph.D., told Katie Couric Media that men tend to cheat for physical gratification, while women are more likely to have an affair because they feel they’ve been neglected.
Some researchers believe there’s a biological component to the differences, as men are wired to try to reproduce with as many partners as possible, while women are evolutionarily rewarded for being more discerning when choosing a mate. But Barash believes there’s a socialization component as well. “In the past, there’s been this ‘look the other way’ message if your husband goes on a business trip and has a one-night stand,” Barash says. But as women continue to challenge convention in numerous facets of life — earning their own money, advancing in their careers, pursuing higher education — they are also stepping out on their relationships in a way that’s been typically reserved for men. “Now, what women are really saying is, ‘I long for more than that. This is my option. And I will pursue it.’” This is also where Barash’s “empowerment affair” comes into play.
Piazza, however, doesn’t subscribe to the belief that women and men have different sexual needs. “For a long time, media and culture have pigeonholed women and said women have sex differently than men. So much of the old research that developed that idea was done by male scientists or male professors.” In her reporting, she found plenty of women who wanted to have unemotional sex or sex with a younger partner, for instance. “I do not think that there’s any difference in desire and passion between a woman and a man.”
What’s changed in recent years?
Barash has been studying the dynamics of women who have affairs, and over the years, she’s noticed some interesting trends. Number one, the women she’s spoken with, more recently, don’t seem to regret their affairs, though some do express remorse about deceiving their spouse or partner.
And if we’re talking recent recent years, the pandemic of course had an impact. A September 2020 survey by Ashley Madison found that 75 percent of respondents were having less or no sex with their partners during lockdowns, and decreased sexual satisfaction prompted 64 percent of Ashley Madison users to have affairs during the pandemic.
For women, Barash says the emotional toll of the pandemic weighed on their decision to be unfaithful: “There was this dire sense of mortality and fear,” she says, which caused people to “become more introspective.” Suddenly, the women Barash was speaking to started assessing their partners and acting upon their feelings if they felt their partner wasn’t giving them what they needed.
Piazza also noticed that, far from not feeling regret, the women having affairs actually feel better for doing so. “They’re so much happier, in their marriages, in the workplace, and as mothers, because they took the time to do this thing for themselves.” We know, it sounds pretty out there to imply that infidelity can have benefits, but for many of the women who Piazza spoke to, it did.
“So many women have framed this as a form of self-care, and they use the language of wellness,” she says. The extra attention or intimacy feels like self-care, but so did all the little acts of preparation that go into having a newer relationship, like shaving, putting on makeup, or donning an outfit that makes them feel confident — things you might do before a date.
“You do these little things to take care of yourself,” Piazza explains, “And that in turn made them feel better about themselves. It’s like a domino effect.”
Why not open up the marriage, or get a divorce?
That’s the question that’s probably on everyone’s minds, right? Instead of cheating, why not pursue an open relationship or just end the marriage?
“I think that is a lot easier said than done,” Piazza says, noting that many men and women don’t want open marriages. For some women, even broaching the conversation could risk blowing up their partnership because their spouse might react so poorly to the idea. And just because they’re having relations on the side doesn’t necessarily mean they want to make a drastic change, like get divorced.
“A lot of the women that we spoke to don’t want out of their marriage,” Piazza says. “They love their husband, they love the partnership that they have. It’s so cheesy, but they just wanted more.”
