Here’s how to recognize this narcissistic technique.
Years ago, I met a man at a networking event in Manhattan. I’d been divorced for nearly three years, and while I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was open to meeting someone. He was a great conversationalist, interesting, and not unattractive.
We went to dinner, and I had no expectations other than to eat, yet he kept catching my attention. He was exceedingly polite but not awkward, attentive, and considerate in his response to the waitstaff. He even asked the waiter to find out if there was wheat in the cheesecake and not just the crust because earlier, I’d mentioned that I love cheesecake but am gluten-free.
We exchanged phone numbers and the next morning I flew back to Wisconsin. Every day I heard from him by text — simple short messages like, “Good morning, Beautiful,” “I’m so glad we met,” “You must be an angel.” If I responded, I got no response.
I suggested we find time for a phone call and got no response to that suggestion. The next day, I got another short text message that still didn’t acknowledge the idea. Over the course of a few weeks, I suggested a phone call again and again. Eventually, we had a brief phone conversation that was awkward because he didn’t want to share anything about his life or ask anything about mine. Then he went back to just sending passive texts daily.
After about a month of this, I left him a voice message, saying that while it was nice to hear from him, I didn’t need or want a daily text, but I was open to having a conversation. I never heard from him again. Once I became an expert in narcissistic abuse, I realized he was breadcrumbing me.
What is breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is a manipulation tactic in which one person acts interested in having a genuine relationship with another when, in truth, they’re not interested.
Inspired by the famous fairytale Hansel and Gretel, in which the children drop breadcrumbs to find their way home, breadcrumbing involves dropping little bits of non-specific communication that are not meaningful to the victim of this tactic. Whether this tactic is used intentionally or not, the breadcrumbs keep you tethered and attentive to someone with no genuine interest in you.
The impact on the victim is profound. The confusion over the nature of the relationship causes significant distress as you spend time trying to decipher what each piece of communication means for the relationship.
The manipulation, deception, and lack of respect result in your desire for more attention. The pattern of intermittent reinforcement is addictive, making you eagerly await the next breadcrumb.
Over time, you come to expect less in relationships, to lower the bar, believing this is the best you can get. The isolation, loneliness, and fear of rejection lead you to relish in scraps of attention and never pursue healthy, fulfilling relationships.
What does breadcrumbing look like?
Breadcrumbing consists of small, often meaningless pieces of communication that don’t create engagement or further interaction — typically by text or DM on a social media platform. The breadcrumber will send emojis, pictures, funny videos, memes, short, non-specific messages, or like your social media posts without responding to other communication you’ve sent. And when you suggest something actionable, like making plans to catch up on the phone, you’ll likely get radio silence.
The steady stream of these messages, or breadcrumbs, leads you to believe the person is interested. If they weren’t, they would just forget about you and not invest time in these messages, right? But really, these breadcrumbs are just a way of stringing you along.
Whether the breadcrumber seeks attention, power, control, or simply to avoid a conflict, their breadcrumbs tether you to this disinterested person.
Where do you see breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is a type of future faking commonly seen in dating, where the user fakes the other into hoping for the possibility of a real relationship. But it’s also seen in other types of relationships.
Breadcrumbing in dating and romantic relationships
The breadcrumber leads you to believe they’re interested in a future relationship without providing anything of substance in the present. They’ll send anything like:
- Thinking of you texts
- Happy Valentine’s Day texts
- Texts with lots of love and kiss emojis
- Music duet videos with intense chemistry
In hindsight, you realize they’ve probably sent the same thing to 30 (or more) people.
When you try to set up a time to talk on the phone or get together in person, you get either no response or “Sounds great. Let me circle back to you,” followed by no further response.
If you do get together in person, it’s often to hook up without meaningful conversation, leaving you feeling used.
Breadcrumbing in family relationships
Think of the adult child or grandchild who still welcomes the Christmas invite or birthday money but isn’t really invested in building relationships with family members.
You reach out and ask how they’re doing and get a thumbs-up in response or if you’re lucky, something like: “Good. HBU?”
They provide the minimum required effort to retain the benefits of the relationship.
Breadcrumbing in business
A customer or client indicates that they’re thrilled with your offer and will be placing a large order or signing up for your service. You provide the info required for them to take the next steps. . A month or more goes by without them taking any action.
Their interim communications consist of short, positive yet nonspecific statements devoid of forward movement, like:
- I can’t wait to get started with your product. It’s exactly what we’ve been looking for.
- Yes! We’ll be placing the order this week.
- Sorry for the delay, we’ll take care of this soon.
Breadcrumbing in the workplace
Your boss may drop breadcrumbs of praise or allude to upcoming promotion opportunities to keep you working around the clock, available at a moment’s notice, and tolerant of poor management. You put up with this, hoping it will result in the promise that’s been dangled, but nothing changes.
Breadcrumbing with friends
This happens all the time in friendships. The breadcrumber will:
- Warmly say they’d love to see you but then refuse to make a plan,
- Abruptly stop responding to all messages only to reappear weeks or months later as if nothing has happened
- Commit to travel, then refuse to get back to you with a date
- Make a plan, then cancel with no effort to reschedule
- Send short, cryptic messages that don’t communicate anything of substance
- Like your social media posts without responding to your messages
- Leave your messages on Read, meaning you can see that they’ve read the message but do not respond.
Why do they do it?
Breadcrumbing is a toxic behavior that has become so common it’s no longer limited to narcissists and other toxic people.
It may be used intentionally to string someone along to increase the manipulator’s feelings of power and control as if they were puppet masters.
In dating, it may be used to keep several people attentive and “on deck,” so to speak. The breadcrumber’s efforts increase significantly when they feel you’re drifting away, so they regain your attention. Once they have it, they space out the breadcrumbs again.
Breadcrumbing may also be used to attract the attention of many others. For the person seeking attention, having 30 people waiting for and quickly responding to their next text can be ego-stroking..
Like other forms of future-faking, breadcrumbing is also a way of avoiding conflict. It’s used to avoid ending a no longer interesting relationship, telling you something you don’t want to hear, or otherwise creating drama — especially within a friend group.
How to rewrite your pattern and stop accepting breadcrumbing
Take a big emotional step back. Whatever’s going on with them has nothing to do with you. Whether they are intentionally stringing you along, have a fear of commitment, are enjoying the attention of numerous others, or get a kick out of exerting power and control over you, it has nothing to do with you. If it weren’t you, it would be someone else. You are replaceable in this scenario — that’s a good thing.
Now that we’ve established it’s not about you, you can set aside the feelings of rejection, embarrassment, and shame. You were not rejected. You do not have anything to be embarrassed about. You were a pawn in a game you no longer wish to play — and you have the power to get out.
First, if it’s a relationship that’s important to you, either because they’re a long-time friend or family member or because your livelihood depends on it, initiate a gentle, direct conversation. Share your vision for the ideal relationship, your current experience with tangible examples, and your feelings as a result of their actions. Then listen. Offer them the opportunity to provide context for their behavior and change it.
Next, end the relationships that continue to leave you feeling devalued, diminished, and disrespected. There’s no need for one person to be right and the other to be wrong. You may just want different things. That’s OK. Tolerating hurtful behavior is not.
Finally, reset your standards, with a therapist’s help if needed. Remember, you get to decide how others treat you. They will never treat you better than you treat yourself.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a leadership catalyst for narcissistic abuse survivors and helps Soul-driven leaders transcend their past experience of narcissistic abuse to create greater impact and fulfillment as they change the world. Download her free guide, 7 Surprising, Costly Mistakes Leaders Make After Narcissistic Abuse, and find information about working with her on her website.
