How the Five Love Languages Can Make Your Relationship Healthier and Happier

Chances are you’ve heard that everyone has their own love language, but do you know what those languages are — and how to use the categories to actually improve your relationship?

To better understand this bit of psychology, we turned to Tamekis Williams, a Georgia-based therapist and the founder of Real Life Solutions, who works every day on solving the most common problems couples face. In her practice, she helps clients learn how to show love in a way their partner understands, and the five love languages make for a helpful shorthand in achieving that goal.

But identifying your partner’s love language (and your own, for that matter) is only part of the equation. Putting that knowledge into action requires sharp communication skills and active listening. Your loved one can’t satisfy your needs if they don’t know what those needs are.

“It’s like going to get your hair cut,” Williams says. “If you go to a stylist, you can’t just sit in the chair and expect her to know what to do. You have to tell her what you want so you can walk out feeling pleased.”

Here’s everything you need to know about using the love languages to up the romance in your relationship, including helpful advice from Williams about how she applies this theory to real-world couples.

What are the five love languages?

The concept was introduced in a book called The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, an author and counselor who’s spent years thinking about what makes relationships tick.

Chapman’s book was first published in 1992, but in the years since he has expanded on the idea and written follow-up editions to apply the philosophy to relationships beyond romance. These include The 5 Love Languages of Children, The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition, and The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.

The basic idea is that there’s no one-size-fits-all way to show affection, so we must learn our partner’s love language and target it accordingly to give them personalized satisfaction. It’s about making sure that your feelings reach your partner in a way that makes sense to them, according to Williams.

“They may not feel the love, the compassion, and the nurturing that you’re trying to give them because you’re not speaking their language,” she says. “So it’s much like, if I’m speaking English and you’re speaking Spanish, we both need to learn how to speak to each other.”

The five love languages are:

• Words of affirmation: People with this love language want you to directly express your feelings about them. They value being told that they’re special and hearing about what they mean to their partner. They enjoy sweet texts, thoughtful love letters, and verbal acknowledgment when they’ve done a good job.
• Quality time: Someone in this category loves to receive your undivided attention. They crave moments without distractions, when the focus is specifically on being together and enjoying one another’s company. They’ll appreciate a date night, a romantic walk, or sharing an activity you both enjoy — without a phone, a television, or other devices to compete for your concentration.
• Receiving gifts: This love language is all about concrete representations of your love. But don’t get hung up on a price tag — in this case, gifts are less about how much they cost and more about what they represent. These people want to know that you thought carefully about what they like and made an effort to get them something meaningful. It’s the symbolism of the gesture that’s important.
• Acts of service: Someone with this language is a true believer that actions speak louder than words. They feel loved when you make their day easier by helping them out and lightening their load. Whether it’s pitching in with household responsibilities, caring for them when they’re sick, or assisting with a puzzling problem, doing something for them is the way to their heart.
• Physical touch: This one’s pretty simple, but it’s not just about sex. Physical affection includes passionate kisses, sure, but it’s also hugs, holding hands, or snuggling on the couch. These people find comfort and safety in being held by their partners. They want to know you’ve got their back — literally.

How do I know what my partner’s love language is?

The easiest way, of course, is to just ask! Your loved one might know exactly what they’re looking for — and if so, they’ll probably be more than happy to share it with you. Open lines of communication are the simplest path to ensuring everyone is satisfied.

But it can be complicated when someone isn’t aware of their own love language. “Sometimes people just don’t know themselves,” Williams says. “What I find in couples therapy is that a lot of times, people really can’t explain to their partner how to love them.”

If that’s the case, you can look for signs in the patterns that continue to repeat in your relationship. Are you having the same argument over and over? Is there something your partner continually asks you to do? These tensions often arise when someone’s love language isn’t being honored.

“Let’s say you have a couple, and the wife is constantly complaining about how overwhelmed she is with keeping the house clean, helping the kids with homework, cooking, washing clothes,” Williams says. “If that’s her constant cry to her partner and she finds herself getting frustrated, angry, and fearful, then acts of service may be her love language.” 

Similar clues pop up for the other categories, too, she adds. “If your partner is constantly saying, ‘You work too much, we never get to do anything, we don’t go on vacation, we haven’t gone on a date in two years,’ then quality time could be their love language.”

Picking up on these conflicts and taking steps to fix them will cut down on your arguments and show your partner that you’re present and engaged. But getting to greener pastures requires effort from both sides of the couple.

“It’s a two-way street,” Williams says. “We want to be able to educate our partner about how to love us and what’s important to us, but it’s also important for partners to tune in and pay attention to what their spouse is constantly asking for.”

What if I’m uncomfortable expressing love in the way my partner wants?

An important caveat to this philosophy is that love languages are first and foremost about how we want to receive love, not necessarily about how we instinctively give love. The goal is to be open to showing affection in ways that may not come naturally to you in order to be flexible and responsive to your partner’s needs.

But sometimes, it’s not that easy. One example is with the language of physical touch. If one partner has a history of sexual trauma or struggles with their self-esteem, certain types of contact could potentially come with triggers.

“Physical touch can be an issue because either the touch reminds me of my sexual trauma, or I’m not comfortable with my body,” Williams explains. “Or maybe I was raised in a household where my parents did not hug, they did not kiss, so therefore a person doesn’t really know how to do that.” 

In a case like that, Williams uses a strategy called “sensate focus.” It’s a three-step process that starts with totally PG-rated forms of touch, like holding hands or stroking hair, and slowly works up to physicality that’s focused on an orgasm. This allows partners to learn each other’s boundaries and link intimacy with feelings of safety, security, and pleasure.

Whatever your personal hang-ups might be, Williams works to teach couples that while they may feel vulnerable in putting themselves out there and expressing love in a new way, vulnerability doesn’t have to be a scary feeling. 

“Both partners cannot be afraid to set boundaries but also express their emotions,” she says. “If they do something you don’t like, say it. ‘You know, babe, I just prefer…’ or ‘that’s uncomfortable’ or ‘could you do this instead of that?’ It’s just working with each other, because it all goes back to communication.”

Can someone’s love language change?

It can — and it most likely will. We aren’t the same people at 60 as we were at 30, and so our relationship needs won’t necessarily be the same, either.

“As you get older, your body will change, so maybe sex won’t be as important as it was in your younger years,” Williams explains. “People can have hip replacements and all kinds of things that may hinder that, so it may be more about quality time or words of affirmation as you get older, because the body has changed and what’s important to you has changed.”

You’re also not locked into just one love language. Not only do shifting moods affect what we’re looking for, but repetition can get boring, so it’s helpful to mix things up. When Williams talks with clients about their love language, she generally asks for their top three. Her biggest advice? Approach this as an ongoing conversation, not something you get an answer to once.

“Look at the five love languages as a working document, so to speak. It’s important to check in with each other over the lifespan of a relationship to say, ‘OK, is your love language still acts of service? Has it changed?’” she says. 

And, most importantly, don’t get frustrated if your partner needs you to be direct in telling them exactly what you want from the relationship. “I tell my clients: Get out of this ego-led ideology of ‘I shouldn’t have to teach,’” Williams says. “No, you do have to teach. We’re not fortune-tellers here. We have to get to know each other by asking questions and sharing time together.”