Embracing a partner-free life can unlock a whole host of advantages.
Being single is often treated as a problem to be solved — an unfortunate but hopefully temporary state of affairs, fixable with perseverance and enough swipes to the right. But with divorce rates sky-high and seemingly constant horror stories from the dating front lines (The Tinder Swindler, anyone?), a new attitude to singledom is well overdue.
We’ve asked some experts — and some singletons — why embracing a partner-free life may unlock a whole host of advantages, from greater personal freedom to more time to devote to your other loved ones to better health, and so much more.
Why is there so much pressure to partner up, anyway?
Essentially, we just kind of got in the habit of always holding romantic companionship in the highest regard. “We long for relationships,” says marriage counselor Carl Nassar, Ph.D., LPC, CIIPTS. “Psychologists realized long ago that the primary human motivation is the drive for connection and belonging,” he tells KCM. “Early on, that need was met by larger community living. Over time, as our cultural norms shifted, that need was better met by our family systems. As we became more mobile and families quickly spread far and wide, our relational needs were met more and more by our spouse.”
What are some of the unsung benefits of being single?
That really depends on who you are and what brings you joy. If that’s human connection, it’s totally possible to achieve this while being partner-free — and for some people, it may even be much easier.
“Being single has become synonymous with being lonely because we’re without our ‘better half,” says Dr. Nassar. “While that may be true for a handful of single individuals, our human drive for connection can be met in a range of ways — friendships in which we can relax together, work colleagues with whom we can be creative, support groups where we share, church outings where we find spirit together, sports teammates who we can have fun with, and so many more.”
A stronger social network
Contrary to the sad single stereotype, there’s compelling evidence that being single actually encourages people to form stronger social connections. Having the schedule space and energy to reach out to friends and spend quality time with them creates a diversity of emotional support that a partner alone can’t match.
“Being single lets me get more involved in the lives of others to support them and enjoy being with them,” says Sue Bowles, a Master Certified Life Coach. “I can stay on the phone as long as I like to listen to someone in need or meet someone at any point in time. I can rearrange things with little effort, and I’m very available, but I also enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please. This definitely makes me more relaxed, which allows me to help others feel more relaxed as well.
Plus, your sex life needn’t suffer
Who said you had to be celibate if you’re single? If your vision of singledom involves nights alone in front of Netflix in lieu of nights of passion, you may want to turn that stereotype on its head. According to a survey of more than 26,000 people between 1989 and 2014, single people are getting frisky more often than their married peers. As long as it’s all consensual and everyone’s on the same page expectations-wise, remaining partner-free shouldn’t have to mean going without sexual intimacy. And sexual intimacy doesn’t always have to involve another individual. Get intimate with yourself, and maybe a sex toy.
Seizing the moment as a single person
Obviously, there’s room for spontaneity in relationships. But unless you’re half of a unicorn couple that’s always on the same page as your partner, being single affords a degree of freedom that feels out of reach for many people who have another person’s schedule, interests, and priorities to consider.
“Being single allows for freedom of movement, for anything from a weekend getaway to a major career shift,” says Bowles. “Volunteer opportunities are very important to me too. I was recently able to help with an outreach program to support a ministry to the homeless, all because I had the time and could.”
Do women in particular benefit from being single?
It certainly seems so — assuming they don’t have dependents to support. According to a 2017 study published in the Journal of Women’s Health, single women tend to have lower BMIs and experience fewer health risks associated with smoking and alcohol than married women. Another survey of more than 13,000 people found that singles who’d never married exercised more regularly than married folks. Essentially, being in charge of your own time can be very, very good for you.
“Studies show men are happier and live longer when married,” says Jackie Ruka, Certified Harvard Success Coach. “In today’s world, the pressure of family, career, juggling home responsibilities and caregiving falls predominantly on women. Women are therefore twice as likely to experience anxiety, depression, and overwhelm carrying these burdens.”
Happiness doesn’t hinge on relationship status
On a more philosophical note, single or not, we could all probably do with reframing how we think about fulfillment. It speaks volumes that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, people still presume that singles are less happy than people who are in romantic partnerships. While movies and novels would have us believe that the answer to our happiness is that one “special someone,” it’s far more empowering — not to mention realistic — to make your well-being your own responsibility, whether you have a partner or not.
“As a single career woman, I am fulfilled by my work, my family, friends, and the freedom I have in my life whether I have a companion or not,” says Ruka. “The pillars to healthy wellbeing are harmony as a whole person, whether you’re single or not. And remaining single gives you choices.”
The key takeaway? Happiness shouldn’t pause just because you’re not half of a couple — and because it’s so possible to attain contentment solo, you should never settle for a sub-par relationship. In doing so, you could be robbing yourself of a golden opportunity.
“I’ve launched a speaking and life coaching business while working, been involved in mission trips, retreats, conferences, volunteer opportunities, and even have the ability to visit my dad regularly out of town,” says Bowles. “Being single affords the opportunity to pour into others at the spur of the moment, and chase dreams that may have once seemed out of reach.”
The interviews with KCM have been edited and condensed.
