Let your children raise their kids.
In January 2015, my son Dylan was born. We hadn’t told anyone what we planned to name him, but no one was more thrilled than my mom, an avid Bob Dylan fan. On one of her first visits to see her new grandson at our house, she brought along a Bob Dylan record. We didn’t have a record player at the time, so we put the vinyl on our bookshelf where it sat as a decorative dust collector eventually moving with us from our apartment to our first home in the suburbs.
Come mothers and fathers
-Bob Dylan, “The Times They Are A-Changin’”
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize what you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one
If you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’
What my mother’s visit also brought was a sudden realization that my relationship with her had completely changed. I was no longer just her daughter, but now the mother of her grandchildren. She was no longer just “mom,” but now “grandma.” I had no idea at the time, three days into motherhood, what this meant, but I learned very quickly and have continued to learn much more over the following nine years. Here are some of my takeaways that I hope will help ease the transition for other mother/grandmother relationships.
Some of your advice is outdated
Let’s start with the most important thing when it comes to taking care of a baby: safety. And damn, things have changed since I was born in the 80s and my mother was last responsible for caring for a newborn. Getting her up to speed on why winter coats can be dangerous in car seats was just one of many things I had to explain to her. When I was a baby, thumbsucking was the norm and pacifiers were frowned upon. Today, pacifier use has been reported to be associated with a reduced risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), and you better believe I stuck this sucker in Dylan’s mouth for both his safety and my sanity without guilt. Another practice that has been shown to help reduce the risk of SIDS is making sure to lay babies on their backs when putting them in a bassinet or crib, which the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that caregivers do until the child is at least 1 year of age. The AAP also advises that parents should keep the baby’s crib free of pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, and bumper pads, which may accidentally suffocate the baby, so if you’re a grandparent feeling tempted to tuck baby in with that beautiful blanket you knit them, resist the urge for at least the first year of their life. This isn’t to say that you don’t have great remedies for sore nipples or teething, but remember that it has likely been an entire generation since you were babies, and, like their diapers, the times they are a-changin’. (We don’t even use baby powder anymore.)
But for the new parents: Be patient with your parents — they haven’t done this in a while and they’re learning all new tricks, just like you.
Don’t offer to help unless you actually can and will
The logistics of parenting are as complicated in 2024 as they have ever been. The toughest logistic of all? Childcare. Finding it, keeping it, arranging it, and, oh yeah, affording it are all things that keep me up at night. Even now with kids who are 9 and 6, and the ability to work from home 90 percent of the time, I still stress over coordinating childcare. So when someone (ANYONE!) offers to help (for free!), the sense of relief is profound. And when that person suddenly realizes they can’t help (“I forgot I have my book club;” “I forgot I have a doctor’s appointment;” “We told your brother we’d help him that weekend”), the sense of frustration is also profound. Yes, things happen, of course. But know that last-minute changes like this are more disruptive and detrimental to us than having to pay for someone we can count on. Remember that while we appreciate all the help we can get, we’re really relying on that help and any switch adds to an already overwhelming situation.
Experiences make the best gifts
One of my favorite things about my mom is that for birthdays and holidays she loves gifting my children experiences. Those gifts have ranged from taking them to see a Broadway show (& Juliet was a big hit with Dylan this winter) to ski lessons, and those opportunities have allowed her to bond with each of my kids while exposing them to something new. While I’m thrilled for them to have this time together, I’m also extremely happy that my mom isn’t adding to the pile of crap (I mean toys) that’s filling up every inch of my house. Many of my friends complain about grandparents asking for gift recommendations for their children only to receive duplicates of board games and books that already overflow the shelves. So when contemplating the perfect present for your grandchild consider an activity, class, sports game, show, or even a trip where the two of you can make memories together.
Come to us!
We always love and appreciate your help, but it’s SO much easier when you can come to us to help. We know everyone is more comfortable in their own home, but that’s especially true for new parents with babies. Lugging all the gear and other accessories required for taking care of a baby is sometimes more work than the extra hands and quality time we’ll get once we arrive. I would rather pay for you to take an Uber to me than have to set up a pack-n-play or stress about transporting frozen breast milk. If you’re coming for a visit then ask us if we need anything, but please don’t offer or allow us to cook; dirty dishes will only add to the sink filled with unwashed bottles. Do us all a favor and come fed or with takeout. If you think we need to get out of the house, send us out for a walk around the block or suggest a walk with the baby once you arrive.
Don’t post pictures of my kids without asking
Unlike the rest of my advice, there is photographic evidence of what is perhaps the biggest change over the last three decades of parenting: the evolution of sharing pictures and videos of our kids. When I was a child in the ’80s, we’d gather every Thanksgiving to look at slides of photos my uncle had taken six months earlier on his yearly trip to Belize. With the convenience of having an HD camera on my phone, these days I find myself recording everything from milestones to the mundane, and when my son scores a goal in his soccer game or my daughter loses a tooth my first instinct is to instantly upload it to Instagram. While I have privacy settings on my accounts, many of my friends aren’t as comfortable as I am sharing their families on social media, and I understand the concerns over privacy and predators. Make sure you know the family’s social media rules before you post, and consider asking your grandkid for permission — it helps teach them how to respectfully use social media in the future.
Try not to compete with your in-laws
The relationship you have with your grandchildren depends on the relationship you have with your children. Full stop. If things are rocky between you and your daughter, you better believe that’s going to impact how often you see your grandchild. So if you’re having “access” issues, the first thing you need to do is look in the mirror and ask yourself why that might be, and then ask your kids.
Now, assuming everything is all rainbows and unicorns and that your daughter goes to therapy to complain about her husband and not you, then your relationship with your grandkids is up to you! Instead of worrying about whether or not your in-laws are able to afford nicer vacations or helping your kids with the downpayment of their house, focus on building a meaningful bond with your grandchildren.
- Show up for their big events (sports games, recitals, art shows). Seeing you in the audience will let them know you love them.
- Learn about their interests and ask questions. My kids love to talk about their hobbies — and you know what I’d love? For them to talk to someone else about them! Children want to feel that they’re being heard and if you’re willing to spend an hour just looking at Pokemon cards, you would be my hero and theirs! If you really can’t bring yourself to hear about Pikachu (and I wouldn’t blame you), then try to find a shared interest. For my dad and nephew, it was trains. But don’t force your interests on them and expect them to just go with it, and recognize when they may have grown out of one thing and moved on to the next and adjust accordingly.
- Embrace technology. While I don’t love being a part of the club of parents whose children attended kindergarten virtually because of Covid, having a child who’s extremely technologically literate does have advantages. Somehow before he even learned to read and write, my son figured out how to send emojis via the kids messenger app. He’d go back and forth with my mom and sister communicating via emoticons. If your grandkids don’t live close to you, try setting up weekly Facetime calls, or if you have a tween or teen grandchild who texts, take up texting (and learn proper emoji etiquette). Even if they don’t respond, they’re seeing the messages and feeling the love.
Have faith in us
Nobody knows better than you how hard being a parent is, and what we want most is to know that you think we’ll be great ones and that you’re proud of us. Having faith in us means not questioning every decision we make. It means if we decide breastfeeding is too hard and choose to formula feed, you trust we’re making the best decision for our baby and ourselves. It means if we choose to send our child to daycare instead of hiring a nanny, we’re confident we know what will work best for our child’s needs and our own. Just as we sought your approval as little kids, we want it now raising our own (or at least not your obvious discontent). And as Bob Dylan said:
“Don’t criticize what you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one
If you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin.’“
