Never stress about what you’re bringing to someone’s home again.
Just about everyone loves a good party, but no one wants to be an impolite party guest.
Whether it’s a grand gathering or an intimate get-together, showing appreciation for an invite is essential — and if you don’t do that, it’s very likely your host will take notice. Just ask Sandy P., one of the readers of our Wake-Up Call newsletter, who shared this with us: “The first time my son’s girlfriend came to our house for dinner, she didn’t bring a gift, and I never forgot it.” (For good measure, Sandy adds this: “He didn’t marry her, and she’s still single.” Ouch.)
When we asked our community for their input about the best practices for being a guest, pretty much everyone agreed that showing up to someone’s home empty-handed is a faux pas. But our subscribers had plenty of great ideas about how to go beyond the obvious choices of flowers or wine.
We loved Brenda C.’s suggestion of baking a treat, like muffins or coffee cake, for the host’s breakfast the day after the event. “I drop in a note that says, ‘Good morning! Thank you for last evening,’” she says. Joan W. told us she likes bringing a present for the host’s pet — and that it makes her smile anytime she sees her own cats playing with a toy gifted by visitors. And if you’re the type that prefers to send a gift afterward, we’re fans of Elizabeth B.’s suggestion to have coffee delivered from your favorite neighborhood roaster. “It thanks my hosts and supports a local business here at home,” she explains.
We’ve got plenty more suggestions for the perfect host gift, but it’s not just about what you give: You’ll also want to think about when to give it, whether it fits with what you know about the person throwing the event, and when a gift actually isn’t necessary at all. For help with these questions, we turned to lifestyle and etiquette expert Elaine Swann, who shares her take on the most modern ways to be a gracious guest.
Katie Couric Media: Most people know we should bring a gift for a host, but could you explain why it’s so important, from an etiquette standpoint?
Elaine Swann: It gives you the opportunity to show your gratitude in a more tangible manner. It’s easy to say “thank you” — it doesn’t cost anything to say that, and we should all say it. But when you put forth the effort, whether you order something to be delivered before you arrive or you bring it in your hand, it lets the host know that you thought of them outside of them taking care of you.
How has the etiquette around host gifts modernized over the years?
The shift I’ve seen is that we’re really leaning into one of the true definitions of etiquette, which is putting others at ease. It’s less about rules and guidelines and more about being thoughtful and considerate. When we think about it through that lens, the gift starts to change. We’re not just bringing over a box of chocolate or a bottle of wine. We’re really getting creative, and that’s why I have a lot of fun during this time of year. That’s what’s changed nowadays: It’s not about giving a customary gift because we’re checking off a box. Instead, we’re being truly thoughtful about it, and I think that’s important.
Something else that’s changed is we used to only bring gifts with us when we arrived at someone’s home, but now it’s more common to bring a gift or send it before or after your visit. If you’re invited to a cocktail party or dinner party, it’s a nice gesture to bring the gift with you. But if you’re invited for a lengthy period of time, you may want to send the gift after your stay, which reflects a very heartfelt “thank you” for the time you spent with the folks who were there.
What would be an example of a time when bringing a gift isn’t required?
A gift isn’t required when you’re invited to some sort of potluck and you’re bringing along part of the meal. You’re taking part in a shared experience, and in my opinion, that is your contribution.
What if you’re invited over and you ask whether you can bring something along, and your host says no? Many people would want to bring something anyway.
Actually, I would advise against bringing something anyway. The core value of etiquette is respect, and you should respect their request. Hosts make that declaration for a number of reasons. Maybe they’ve got everything, and they can’t take another widget or trinket in the house. Or maybe they don’t want to pair your wine with their meal. They might be in more of a giving mood. So if someone asks you not to bring anything, resist the urge. They’ll be more grateful that you listened to what they said than if you brought over some tchotchke.
We all know the classic host gifts of flowers, wine, or candy. What else would you suggest giving?
We should give a gift that we believe that person would enjoy, not what you would like them to have. Look at the host’s personality, their likes and dislikes, and select a gift from the perspective of what might move them.
For example, for someone who is always hosting parties and impromptu gatherings, think of something that could make meals easier, like a cool vegetable peeler or melon baller, or maybe a serving tray or platter that’s unique and fits their decor. A host who loves books might appreciate a reading light or a book stand — or something to go in their reading room, like a plush pillow or blanket. For the techy host, you could try a home gadget, like something that turns their lights on and off easily. If your host is always serving others, find something that could pamper them, like a candle kit or a nice body wash. If they have a great wine collection, maybe do a set of glasses that’s personalized with engraving.
What if you’re not sure about someone’s taste when it comes to decor, for example?
If it’s something like oven mitts or dish towels, don’t do something kitschy or holiday-related — just pick a standard color that can be added to their collection. Or if you’re bringing flowers, pick out a nice vase that’s made with crystal, which can fit in any environment much easier than a solid color.
What’s your advice for people who have anxiety about bringing a gift because they’re afraid they’ll bring the wrong thing?
My biggest recommendation is to not have too much angst around finding the perfect gift. Recognize that no matter what you bring, the host will do nothing but give a heartfelt “thank you.” And if it’s someone you don’t know well, utilize social media as your friend to help make a decision — you can find something about that person online, whether it’s in one of their professional or social profiles.
As someone who hosts many events, how do you usually feel about what your guests bring over?
I absolutely love hosting, whether the event is planned or impromptu. If someone brings something, I’m excited. If someone comes empty-handed, I’m just happy they’re there.
