At age 21, I left America for Ireland to study Irish literature on a George Mitchell Fellowship. It’s been a quarter-century since then, and during that time, I’ve lived in four other countries, as far as 10 time zones away from my parents. I can’t recall what I told my mom and dad when I first boarded that plane for Dublin, but I don’t think they were expecting me to be gone for so long.
I now have a child of my own, along with a career as a novelist and professor in the United Kingdom. While my life has been exciting and adventurous, full of opportunities to travel and explore new cultures, there remains a fundamental guilt about living so far away from my family.
Especially now, with my parents growing older.
They are now in their 80s, and when half a year goes by between seeing your parents, you notice the differences in their bodies and minds. My dad’s hair is now a shock of white, not the jet black I knew from my childhood. I can’t help but notice my mom’s stoop, the way she shuffles and pauses before bending down. These small actions are so fundamentally different from the vibrant, spirited woman who raised me — and yet, I know she is the same person inside. But it’s sobering to witness the woman who so nimbly ran your household and raised you into the person you are — to watch her slide into senility, her grasp on the world weakening, her fierceness tempered into confusion.
Aside from the emotional side of observing your own parents’ decline, there is the practical aspect of working with their deteriorating health. If something were to happen to them medically, how would you manage it? If your parents aren’t well enough to drive to their doctor’s appointments, how will they get there? Who will get their groceries and pick up their prescriptions?
Many of us feel the pressures of being in the “sandwich generation” of adults, simultaneously responsible for raising our children and caring for aging parents. But long distances can make that pressure even more complex.
The hard reality is my parents live in California, an 11-hour flight away. While travel-happy me was previously content to jump on a plane and fly over, it’s much harder now that I have my own child. (Not to mention, my own aging has made overcoming jet lag more of a challenge!)
I’ve come to realize the question is not what would I do when I get that dreaded phone call about my parents’ health — but what will I do? Because aging is a one-way process, and some things, I know, are inevitable.
These are questions I explore in my latest novel, What We Left Unsaid, which opens with a middle-aged woman receiving that dreaded phone call — and learning she has to travel from Boston to California before her ailing mother’s next operation. The news floods her with guilt and regret — at the same time that she, as the eldest daughter, is tasked with contacting her estranged brother and sister and convincing them to reunite in person to see their mother. Along the way, they drive Route 66 across eight states in an unlikely road trip that leads them to get to know both each other and their own country in unexpected ways.
The book is a fictional exploration of how middle-aged siblings in a long-distance family might react to this kind of scenario. But while writing a novel allows me to consider questions that are personally significant to me, it still doesn’t answer those questions in my own life. Nor does it solve the problem of my own anxiety and guilt over living so far from my parents.
I’ve considered uprooting my career and my family to live closer to them, but it’s logistically complicated. So in the meantime, I’ve formulated a few tips to help me navigate this new stretch in my life: one of growing responsibility for aging parents, who live thousands of miles away.
Realize your time with your parents is finite
This was the biggest fact I had to accept, which unlocked everything else for me. We might feel like our parents will always be there, nagging us on the other end of the phone line. But in reality, with their declining health, it may only be a few more years or even months that we’ll get to spend quality time in their company. Learn to cherish that limited time.
Don’t postpone quality time
Think of it as a “no regrets” attitude. Ask your parents if there’s something they’ve always wanted to do in their lives and help them experience it. If your parents haven’t been to the beach in a while, drive them to a sandy shore. Bring along your kids for grandparent bonding. It may be stressful to organize a three-generation outing, but your parents will appreciate it.
Travel to see them when you can
My mom is now too frail to travel comfortably by plane, so I realize it’ll have to be me taking those 11-hour flights to see her. Sure, it’s not easy, but I signed up for this when I chose to live this far away. If I don’t make a concerted effort to bring my child and parents together now through regular visits, that grandparent-grandchild relationship may soon be no longer.
Set up regular video calls
Thanks to technology, we can now see each other often between in-person visits. My sister and I schedule a regular Sunday FaceTime call with my parents at a specific time, which allows us to navigate around the eight-hour time difference. Through screens, our children also get to play with each other (my niece in California, my son in England), and our mom enjoys this virtual play-date with her grandchildren.
Establish a local network for your parents
Get to know your parents’ neighbors and friends, and trade contact information with them. They might be able to help out in an emergency, and it may help your own peace of mind, knowing that there are supportive people closer to your loved ones.
Set money aside for parent care
Long-distance flights to see my parents aren’t cheap, but I see them as a necessity for right now. While money may be tight, it’s also something that can be earned and saved later on in our lives. But time with your parents isn’t renewable, so balance your budget with this in mind.
Send postcards and gifts
In our digital age, it’s all too easy to communicate solely through screens. Don’t underestimate the emotional impact of a real handwritten postcard or a physical present, sent through the mail — especially for the older generation. It may only take a few minutes to do, but it can be a touching gesture for your parents.
Recognize your own anxiety and guilt won’t help the situation
My fear and frustration over my aging parents can easily cloud my interactions with them. But the important thing is to be present and positive when we’re together, and to realize that just spending time with them might be enough.
For example, my mom still insists on cooking me breakfast and dinner when I’m home. It might drive me crazy, because in her old age, it takes her twice as long to prepare a meal than if I did it myself. But it’s her way of showing her love to me, and I don’t want to deny her that opportunity.
These days, the long distances and the responsibilities of middle age can often mount to make things feel overwhelming. But at heart, I know my parents and I still love each other, despite the thousands of miles between us. It’s about finding the time and space across those miles to express that love while we’re still on this planet together. No regrets.
Winnie M Li is the author of three novels, most recently What We Left Unsaid. She is an assistant professor in creative writing at the University of Birmingham in the UK.
