We asked three survivors for advice on making it through the holiday season.
The holidays can be tough to get through in a good year, but when you’re dealing with a cancer diagnosis, the stress can feel downright overwhelming. The endless entertaining, expectations, and traditions can take a major toll when you’re already managing the physical and emotional burden of treatment. That’s why we asked for some advice on how to manage the season while dealing with illness from people who know best: Those who’ve already been through it.
Set boundaries, even with loved ones
At age 60, Lynn McFee had her first colon cancer screening using the Cologuard® test. Her result was positive, and a follow-up colonoscopy revealed she had stage III colon cancer. “I met with my surgeon to form a plan two days before Christmas, and that night, my siblings and our parents all met up at my brother’s house,” she remembers. “My siblings already knew about the diagnosis, but I told my parents that night. I said to everyone, Ask me any questions you want right now, but come tomorrow, there will be no more discussion of this until after my surgery next month.” On Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Eve, there was no cancer talk around McFee. “We all compartmentalized it because that was what I needed. And everyone respected that,” says McFee.
After Amy Scott was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 46, she also set boundaries around discussing her diagnosis: “A family member had already faced a recent cancer battle, and I couldn’t bring myself to get on the phone to my parents and tell them, Here we go again,” says Scott. “So after my husband and I told our kids, for my own sanity, I told the rest of my family in a text message. I usually have a hard time setting boundaries, but I just didn’t have the emotional energy to have that conversation. I needed them to react on their own, because for my own sanity, I couldn’t watch them cry.” While this method might upset some family members, the way you decide to disclose your diagnosis is your choice, and you should do it in a way that feels most comfortable for you.
Like McFee, Aaron Flaker received a positive Cologuard test result and after a follow-up colonoscopy, he was diagnosed with stage III colon cancer just three days before Christmas. “At that point, Christmas kind of went out the window,” he says. “Our whole extended family was supposed to come over, and we canceled that so my wife, my two kids, and I could just be together.” Flaker chose not to tell anyone about his diagnosis until after the holiday, after which he alerted close friends and extended family. “That was a boundary I needed, and it was the right choice,” he says.
It’s OK to tell some white lies
“There’s this horrible time between when you know there’s a problem, but you don’t have a diagnosis yet, and you’re just in the dark,” says Scott. “During those weeks, I didn’t want to see anyone because I didn’t want anyone to know something was wrong. It was such a mental and emotional burden to carry — and besides my husband, I wasn’t willing to put anyone else through that.”
If that’s the position you’re in over the holidays, putting on a brave face and pretending nothing is wrong might not be possible. Scott recommends giving yourself permission to use little white lies as excuses to get out of commitments if you’re overwhelmed: “Tell people you’re having stomach issues,” she says. “Nobody will want you to attend an event if you might spread a bug around. If you think it’s going to be more stressful than enjoyable, then just don’t go.”
Take time for yourself
When he learned his surgery would be scheduled in early January, Flaker and his wife took an impromptu trip to Florida over the holidays to get away from the stress of the diagnosis and spend some time together. “In those two weeks, I dove into being as healthy as I possibly could,” he says. “I exercised like crazy, I ate totally clean, I got enough sleep…I knew this would help me recover after surgery, but it also kept me from moping around the house and feeling bad for myself. It gave my days some structure, and made me feel like even though I had cancer, I was still in control of my body.”
McFee also found there were times when all she wanted was to be alone: “My diagnosis came during Covid, which was a blessing because it kept people away,” she says. “People left food on the front doorstep, and I’d thank them through the door. That really helped protect me so that I didn’t feel like a bully, asking people to go away. I needed that time by myself to heal.” While it can be difficult to get time for yourself over the holidays, schedule it where you can, because those who love you will understand.
Embrace imperfection
If you have a tendency to need everything to be perfect, this is the year to give yourself some grace. “Even if you’re not ready to tell people about your diagnosis, people will look back later and forgive you for cutting some corners” says Scott. “They’ll understand. And if they don’t, maybe it’s time to reevaluate those relationships.”
Do the holiday lights need to cover all those bushes in the front yard? Do you have to make the fruitcake from scratch? Decide which items on your to-do list are lower priority, then treat them as such. But also don’t be afraid to ask for some help. “You need to realize that people want to help you,” says Scott. “Let them, because everybody benefits. Helping make your life easier will make the people you love feel useful.”
Look for the good
There’s a reason why activities like gratitude journaling are so popular: They work. “There’s no better time than the holidays to be grateful for anything and everything that you can think of,” says Scott. “Lower any grand expectations you might have, put your phone down, and enjoy the little moments.”
Flaker says his diagnosis naturally helped him to take notice of the important things in life. “In Florida before my surgery, I ran on the beach every morning,” says Flaker. “I took everything in. I think the diagnosis shifted my mindset, and I was able to really appreciate the beauty of nature, and how it felt to breathe warm air into my lungs. It reminded me of what I was fighting for.”
If this isn’t something that comes naturally to you, surround yourself with people who can help you keep a positive mindset. “I have a friend from college who’s one of the most positive people I’ve ever met,” says McFee. “He would call me every two weeks for a half-hour just to check in, and he’d tell me, ‘Girl, you’ve got this.’ Those calls helped me to stay positive and get me through the day.”
This story reflects one individual’s experience and is not clinical, diagnostic, or treatment advice for any particular patient. Not every person will have the same treatment, experience, outcome or result. Talk to your healthcare provider about cancer testing options that are right for you.
