And Joan gets charmed.
It’s a sleepy morning in the Bachelor Mansion — literally, because nobody’s well-rested. Some guys are snoring, some are getting up to go pee multiple times per night. As someone who sleeps next to a snorer every night, I feel their pain.
Pascal says he doesn’t like to cook, clean, or do laundry. I don’t want to go too hard on Pascal, but a big problem women over 60 encounter when dating is that they find men are only looking for “a nurse or a purse,” and Pascal is showing signs of that right now. I do not want that for our girl Joan.
Jesse walks in to give them the rundown for this week: two one-on-ones and one group date, which he says is going to be “really competitive.” My prediction is pickleball, but we’ll see.
The first date card goes to…Pascal. Let’s hope he doesn’t complain to her about the closet size.
Joan’s date with Pascal
And the date is…a day at the laundromat! Kidding. But I wish! Joan pulls up in a red convertible that whisks them away to a plane. And that plane is taking them to…a train, and then an automobile! No, I’m just kidding; the plane is just taking them to Vegas. They pull up to the Paris Hotel in a limo, and up in their hotel suite, racks of sparkly clothes and a Sonny and Cher costume await them for a game of dress-up.
Then they get a knock on the door, and it’s Wayne Newton, who’s come to perform for them. I can’t help but wonder what the budget for “surprise musical performances” is for the show. Also, props to Joan for dancing in heels. Couldn’t be me.
That night, they have dinner at the base of the fake Eiffel Tower. Pascal tells Joan that it’s hard for him to be vulnerable because he grew up without much support. He moved to America at a young age, not speaking a word of English. Joan says she can understand where he’s coming from, in a sense, because she feels like she doesn’t have the support now.
Then, they go on a giant Ferris wheel, where Joan gives him the rose. Joan says she can see a future with Pascal and that “Life would be wonderful with this man.”
Back in LA, Gary and Charles L. are going to the pharmacy to pick up some sleep remedies for the guys. I’m telling you, for future seasons, production should really stock the mansion with Breathe Right strips! In fact, the brand should sponsor this show (and I will take a small finder’s fee for that suggestion).
Later on, Charles L. is sitting by himself, reflecting on the loss of his wife. He pulls Guy, who’s an ER doctor, aside to ask him the one question about his wife’s death that he’s never gotten answered: When his wife fell after suffering an aneurysm, why did she have blood in her mouth? Guy says it was because when she fell, she likely bit her tongue. This information takes a weight Charles has been carrying for years off his shoulders. It’s so moving to see these guys really be vulnerable with each other and talk about their feelings. Guy gives Charles the advice to stop dwelling on the “why” of his wife’s death. This is so emotional; here come the tears.
Then there’s a knock on the door with a group date card. Here’s who’s going on it:
- Chuck
- Gil
- Dan
- Charles L.
- C.K.
- Greg
- Gary
- Guy
- Kim
- Jordan
- Mark
- Keith
That means the one remaining contestant, Jonathan, is going on the one-on-one date! He says he’s most nervous to “be in a position where she really, really sees me. And I hope I’m what she’s looking for.” They seemed to click at prom, so I am at least confident that their chemistry will be strong.
The group date
We’re at a football field — I’m guessing we’re not playing pickleball. A football date? On The Golden Bachelorette? I hope they have good health insurance.
Former football players Eric Dickerson and Andre Reed are here to coach the guys. But we’re playing kickball, not football. I would say thank goodness, but I have friends in a kickball league and in the span of one game, one broke his foot, the other their collarbone, and a third one ended up scraped up all over after sliding into home. So, best of luck, guys.
The winners of the game will get to go to an after-party with Joan; the losers are going back to the mansion. Like a true sports commentator, I’m just going to go over the highlights.
- Guy (red team) kicks first and bunts, but pitcher Jordan pegs him out!
- Gary dives for an amazing catch
- Gregg kicks it to the outfield and, later, slides into third base
- Gil (wow, lots of G names — I did not do this on purpose) steals second after an error on the throw to first
- Kim scores a run
- Charles gets an RBI in his first-ever kickball kick! Regardless of whether he gets the group date rose, he’s the MVP of this game.
With bases loaded in the last inning, two outs, and the red team down one run, Guy gets up to the plate. And unfortunately Dan gets pegged out by the pitcher as he’s running home. And that’s the game!
So that means Keith, Jordan, Kim, Gary, Charles, and Gil win the after-party and extra time with Joan.
Joan and Charles have a private conversation, and he tells Joan about the conversation he had with Guy about his wife’s death. He says Guy’s answer changed his life. And now I’m crying again.
Joan gets a call from her mom, who’s sick. She’s 92, god bless her. Joan talks about feeling torn because she’s always been the caretaker and the “fixer,” and now she’s away from her family.
Joan tells Gary that she loves having him around because he’s so positive and “really sees people.” Gary is this group’s ray of sunshine.
Joan and Gil talk about their parents and children and bond over both working in school systems.
The private conversations are over, and it’s time to give out the group date rose. And it goes to…Gil. Justice for Charles for seriously opening up back there!
The guys who lost the kickball game are back at the house getting massages. So, who were the real losers?
Joan and Jonathan’s one-on-one date
Let me first point out that the top four buttons of Jonathan’s floral button-down shirt are open. And we dig it. Now that’s confidence.
Their date is horseback riding. Joan doesn’t love horses because she was bitten by one years ago, so we’re not off to a great start. To make matters worse, it seems production planned the entire date under the assumption Jonathan spent time on a farm because he’s from Iowa, which he most certainly did not. Guess we know what happens when you assume…
Jonathan tells Joan that, like a turtle, he withdraws into a shell to protect himself. He also reveals that one morning, his wife woke him up and said she wanted a divorce “out of the blue.”
That’s a lot of vulnerability (don’t forget he showed some skin, too), so it should come as no surprise that Jonathan gets the date rose.
As they’re riding back, a hawk flies by. Joan gets emotional because after John died, Joan and her daughters used to see a hawk and thought it was John’s spirit. Thinking about John and her mom is getting her emotional.
Back at the house, Kim is trying to corral the guys into singing a group song that he wrote. Personally, I’m loving this, but nobody else seems to be into the idea. Aw man, that’s no fun! I think Joan would love it. Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all, I guess.
The cocktail party
Before the rose ceremony, Joan walks into the room where the guys are all gathered to tell them about what’s going on with her family. She says, “Being strong is exhausting. I’m tired.” She tells them about missing her family and her mom being sick. She also opens up that she’s not 100 percent ready to have love in her life because John was a huge part of her life. She says she will always have a piece of John in her heart, which is how it should be! If anybody can understand that, it’s this group of men.
Afterward, Chock pulls Joan aside. He tells her his mother has had stage 4 cancer for the past four years. They talk more about how their late spouses will always have a part of their hearts.
Gary reads a prayer that he wrote for Joan. I knew Gary had preacher energy. But, like, a cool preacher. You know:
Charles L. shows Joan a picture of his late wife.
A black car pulls up…this is ominous. Who could it be? For the record, I’m still pulling for a surprise from Gerry.
OMG, I WAS RIGHT! BRB, gotta go buy a lottery ticket.
They sit on the exact same bench as they did during The Golden Bachelor when Joan had to leave. Joan gives him a debrief on how the journey has been going. Gerry talks about how he had finally gotten to a place where he could celebrate his late wife Toni’s life. Gerry tells Joan she has to let her guard down and not put too much pressure on herself.
Gerry: Have you considered the possibility that your guy is not here?
Does this mean Gerry is going to join the house? As a contestant? Let’s please have a Flavor of Love season 2 moment. If you know, you know.
OK, bummer, this was just an advice chat. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it, and it seemed like it was valuable, but I was really hoping for a twist. I would still ship G + J. I feel their love story is unresolved.
Back in the house, Jordan says, “We gotta figure out a way to lift the mood.” Gee, if only one of them had written a lighthearted original song…
Shout out to Guy, the real MVP of this episode, who’s the only one to join Kim in the song. After what we saw of him tonight, I think it’s fair to say we love Guy.
Who gets eliminated on The Golden Bachelorette this week?
Keep in mind that Jonathan, Gil, and Pascal already have roses, so they’re safe. The first person to get a rose tonight is…my guy, Guy!
That’s followed by…
- Dan
- Gary
- Jordan
- Chock
- Charles L.
- Keith
And finally…Mark.
O captain, my captain! Captain Kim may have sung his song, but Joan was not singing his praises. Also going home are Gregg and CK. We hate to see it!
Before leaving, Kim says to Joan, “I would like to be your friend.” He leaves, but not before singing us off with a farewell tune. Guy joins him for a reprise of the hit song “The Golden Mansion Men.”
Next week looks positively dramatic: The guys do their best Magic Mike impressions, Jordan gets a one-on-one, and Chock might leave voluntarily.
