Her groundbreaking adoption kicked off a lifetime of lessons in parenting, and now Marjorie Margolies is sharing what she’s learned.
Marjorie Margolies is an Emmy-award-winning journalist and in 1970 she became the first single person in the United States to adopt a child from abroad. Her new book And How Are The Children?: Timeless Lessons from the Frontlines of Motherhood details her journey from being a working woman to a mother of two to a mother of eight, and then opening her home to a family from Vietnam.
Margolies went on to become the U.S. Congresswoman from the 13th District of Pennsylvania and is currently a professor of political science at the Annenberg School. She founded and runs Women’s Campaign International, which empowers women around the globe to transform their communities and to take a seat at the table in political leadership, economic development, civil society, and conflict transformation.
We spoke to Margolies about her journey, motherhood, and writing a memoir.
You were the first single person in the United States to adopt a child from abroad. Why did you initially decide to pursue adoption?
I am often asked why I adopted a child from abroad. When I was a reporter at WCAU in Philadelphia, I did a series of stories on children considered “hard to place” for any number of reasons. Many of them were African American, and local agencies strongly preferred to place these with a family of their own racial background. I also did a series on Korean adoptees who had settled in the Philadelphia area and got way too involved in the story, thinking I could adopt one of these children. These Korean orphans were handled by an adoption agency called Holt from Eugene, Oregon. I reached out to Holt, and they kindly decided to gamble on me. I ended up doing a follow-up story in Korea on these children, and as I was getting ready to leave they asked me if I would like to meet a child whom they had picked for me. Lee Heh Kyung was seven years old when she arrived in 1970 and made a graceful adjustment to life here. Four years later, I adopted a child from war-torn Vietnam, who was six years old. Holly’s adjustment was much more challenging. I wrote a book called They Came to Stay chronicling my single adoption of Lee Heh and Holly. The latest book I wrote, And How Are the Children?, brings us up to date. One of the chapters is called ‘They Stayed’ describes how Lee Heh and Holly adjusted as they became a part of a much larger family.
As a child, you urged your parents to sponsor two girls who were hoping to come to the United States from Spain and Bolivia. Why do you think you’ve always been acutely attuned to this cause?
My dad always said that you should aspire to change another’s life. In the Jewish faith, this concept is known as “tikkun olam,” and roughly translates to “in some way, repair the world.” I had been a foreign exchange student with the Experiment in International Living in Spain. When the head of our program, Vicky Arechaga, needed a sponsor, my father stepped up to the plate. Some years later, while I was at the University of Pennsylvania, I met a student from Bolivia who badly needed a sponsor, and once again my parents agreed to help out.
You went from being a single working woman, to a single parent of two adopted girls, to a mother of eight, and then opened your home to a family from Vietnam. How did you adapt your parenting style to accommodate your constantly changing household?
Eventually, I married somebody with four girls. We had two boys, then incorporated a refugee family in our household (they lived with us for 25 years), so the total came to 11 children. My approach was that it takes a community. It often was a juggle, but so many people helped out. When I took a job with WNBC in New York, a new community formed around us, especially neighbors in my building. I had to use a flexible, responsive parenting style, knowing that there was always someone protecting my flanks. There were peaks and troughs, but everyone chipped in, the oldest children were great with the youngest ones, and friends, neighbors, family, and other helping hands were always there.
Your previous book about the international adoption process, They Came To Stay, was published in 1976. How has the process changed since then?
Since the 1970’s intercountry adoption has evolved; there have been many changes in intercountry adoption practices. The number of sending countries expanded beyond Asia to Latin America, Eastern Europe, and Africa. Families are now required to travel to the child’s birth country to complete the adoption and bring their child home, and there is a greater understanding of the need for adoptive parents to preserve the culture and identity of their child’s birth culture.
The profile of children being adopted has also changed, and generally, they are older, part of a sibling group or have special needs. Instead of months, the length of time to complete an adoption is up to 3 or 4 years, depending on the country.
There are more than 200,000 children who have been adopted internationally to the US and what was once an unusual way to build a family, is now very routine. Many adoptees return to visit their birth country, including searching for biological family. Successful search and reunion is increasing thanks to social media and DNA testing. Intercountry adoption has become a part of mainstream contemporary culture in books, movies, television.
While much has changed about intercountry adoption, what has not changed is the reality that for tens of thousands of orphaned children, the only opportunity for a loving permanent family is adoption. You can find resources and information at www.adoption.state.gov To improve and professionalize adoption practices, the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption was established to provide protection to children, and both birth and adoptive families.
You lost your daughter, Holly, to cervical cancer in 2016. What was it like reliving that time while writing the book?
It was extremely difficult. Holly was a writer, so a lot of her writings are included in the book. She was very expressive, hilarious, and honest. She was such a challenge when she first arrived here, and she came so far. I was so proud of her. She went to the University of Pennsylvania, did graduate work at Bryn Mawr, married, and had two adorable children. She was writing a book at the time of her passing about how to have fun while challenging yourself and life head-on. Out of all of the ups and downs, losing my daughter Holly was the hardest. Losing a child is in the category of the unimaginable.
And How Are The Children? is part memoir, part parenting advice. What is the most important lesson you learned from being a mother that you think every parent should know?
In one of the chapters in And How Are The Children? I discuss something called “the 12-word rule.” You don’t really have to count the words, but it’s about listening to your kids when something is going on with them and making sure your answer addresses their concern, and is thoughtful and to-the-point. My kids have taught me so many lessons. I can remember when my son Marc was about 6 and his room was usually a mess. I came in one day and said “Marc! It seems like every time I turn around you’ve gotten into something else in here.” He replied, “Mom, I think you need to stop turning around so much.” I thought he was right and to the point! Another thing I always said to my children is you’ve got to be prepared to lose before you can win. With kids especially, both possibilities are great learning experiences. You just need to put yourself on the playing field.
Your book begins with the beginning of your career in broadcast news. How do you think the experience of working in a newsroom informed your parenting style?
As a reporter, I had the opportunity to meet so many different people and it was my job to learn about their experiences. I was exposed to such a variety of stories; it was like a condensed course in life, and frequently, in family and parenting.
You dedicate the book to your 21 grandchildren. What has being a grandmother been like for you?
As anyone who has been a grandparent knows, it’s such a joy. The challenge for everyone during the past several years has been COVID-19. I haven’t been able to see my grandchildren as much as I would like, but have gotten a lot of FaceTime calls and visits. It is so much fun for me to be around my children and hear them say things to their children that make me think “I used to say that!”
