RAMONA ON CORONA and…Goodnight Sweet Prince

A humor series on navigating this difficult time

I’m sharing another installment of a humor series from my friend Pam Goldman, centering on a woman named Ramona, who tries to help… in her own way. If you’re new to this series: Here’s the previous installment.

K. is my consort i.e. the husband of a reigning monarch. 

I wonder, had we magically traded places with Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, if K. would have embraced the role with as much dignity, self-possession and charm as the departed prince, whose posture at age 99 was better than K.’s. I still blame my mother-in-law for not getting on him about his slouch, may she rest in peace.

How many men do you know today whose sole objective in life is to support their queen, to be at her beck and call, shadow her every move for indications of her mood, her needs, whether they be incidental or monumental and at-the-ready to fulfill them, if at all within his power to do so?

Yet I must give K. his due. He does roll the recyclables up the driveway to the street’s edge every Friday, takes the Volvo into the shop when the ‘Check Engine’ light flashes annoyingly and changes lightbulbs in the high hats on the ceiling when they blow which takes him way out of his comfort zone and onto the step ladder which he insists I hold steady with two hands until my knuckles turn white. 

Prince Harry (or is it just Harry now?) has said of his grandfather, “He was ‘cheeky right til’ the end…He was, authentically himself, with a seriously sharp wit, and could hold the attention of any room due to his charm…and also because you never knew what he might say next.”  

In 2015 at the age of 94, Prince Philip, attending a commemorative event celebrating the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain, reached the limit of his patience with the photographer trying to position him, along with Prince William, Prince Edward and a group of elderly, decorated veterans, finally erupting with “Just take the f**ing picture!”

Did you know Prince Philip and his wife were third cousins through Queen Victoria?  They met when Elizabeth’s father, King George VI and Queen Elizabeth were visiting the Royal Naval College and recruited his nephew, Philip, a student, to escort her and her sister Margaret around the campus. Elizabeth, age 13, was smitten from the start and they began an exchange of letters. 

They married November 20, 1947 and had two children, Charles and Anne, before Elizabeth became Queen. On a trip to Kenya in 1952 Philip received the news that Elizabeth’s father, King George VI had died and that Elizabeth would succeed him.  She became Queen Elizabeth II on her coronation day, June 2, 1953, at just 27 years old.  

They would have 2 more children, Andrew and Edward, a total of 4 pregnancies for the Queen.  I had 2. Guess who carried babies uncomplainingly while carrying the Commonwealth on her shoulders and who carried babies while carrying on about morning sickness and swollen feet?  

I guess it’s true, even with the royals….the more children you have the more problems you’re in for. Have they had agita from their kids or what?! Starting with Prince Charles’ failure to remain faithful to Princess Diana, their subsequent divorce and her death the following year, followed by the divorce of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson after 10 years of marriage and 2 princesses. Then there’s the oft overlooked Princess Anne, also divorced after almost 20 years of marriage to Mark Phillips. Their ‘baby’, Prince Edward, 57 has been a model child. No divorces. 

Could they ever have imagined Prince Andrew, now in his sixties, would misbehave, causing them humiliation and embarrassment when they reached their nineties?! The Prince’s association with sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein may have been the straw that broke the royals’ straight backs. 

With Prince Philip, 99, in hospital for a heart procedure, Meghan and Harry, who recently flew the royal coop, sat down for a bombshell interview with Oprah Winfrey in which they exposed their experience of racism and rigidity within The Firm.  

Next, Prince Philip dies. Harry returns to London for his grandfather’s funeral, where he will see his estranged family, his father, Prince Charles and brother, Prince William, for the first time since leaving Great Britain for Santa Barbara where his very pregnant wife and young son, Archie, await his return.

I thought my family was a soap opera! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Sooooo glad I didn’t marry a royal. Dodged that bullet.

***Shhhhhhh! Shhhhhhh!

Pam Goldman might stop writing me for telling you this, so please keep it quiet! (I long to live another day).  

I, Ramona, would absolutely not be here were it not for (a) Pam Goldman’s birth and (2) her birthing of me one year ago.  I have no idea how many of you follow my ups and downs each week but please know that if you’re a fan and if Pam Goldman was having a birthday party, she’d definitely invite you because she loves you. If she’s given you a smile or even an out-loud laugh or a happy tear and you’d like to honor Her Antiquity, the only thing she wants is gun control reform.  She would be so grateful for any donation to www.sandyhookpromise.org or www.momsdemandaction.org.