A humor series on navigating this difficult time
I’m sharing another installment of a humor series from my friend Pam Goldman, centering on a woman named Ramona, who tries to help… in her own way. If you’re new to this series: Here’s the previous installment.
Young people just don’t get it. Who can blame them? I guess I didn’t get it either when I was in their demographic. (Demographic wasn’t even a word then). Listen up Young People! I speak truth to power and yes, you hold all the cards now but the day will come (if you’re lucky) when you will turn 60 and things will begin to change. I know you think 50 is old. Well, you’re wrong. Fifty is how old your children are when you’re old.
No one tells you that in the 6th decade of life you become aware of your knees. Up until this time knees are so innocuous they may as well be elbows. Knees are wasted on the young. In fact, they become wasted, literally, by the time you reach 60.
Morning phone calls with my friend Marsha go something like this:
Marsha: So what’s doin’?
Ramona: Ugh!…What can I tell you?
Marsha: The knees again?
Ramona: I don’t want to complain. My left knee.
Marsha: Stiff?
Ramona: Like a Tinker Toy. But I don’t want to complain.
Marsha: I know.
Ramona: I know you know.
Marsha: I know you know I know.
Ramona: So what’s doin’on your end?
Marsha: Ugh!….What can I tell you?
Ramona: The knees again?
Marsha: I don’t want to complain. My right knee.
Ramona: Stiff?
Marsha: Like a Tinker Toy. But I don’t want to complain.
Ramona: I know.
Marsha: I know you know.
Ramona: I know you know I know.
Marsha: Talk to you tomorrow.
Ramona: How’s your other knee?
Marsha: Don’t ask.
As young people our bodies are able to move, stretch, run, bend, twist, turn, jump, hop, skip, somersault and pole vault on command with, if not the agility of Olympic gold medalist Simone Biles, reasonable compliance; ergo, we move about as we wish, organically, without thinking.
With each birthday after 60 we move more and more intentionally, with all deliberate reduced speed, firing on all cognitive cylinders (if there are any left), willing our bodies to do what we want. At this point what was once a simple act, such as rising from a sofa, requires an algorithm for seniors. Ibid: getting up from the floor after building a LEGO tower with your grandkids.
For grandmothers of a certain age a well-meaning invitation from your granddaughters, “Can you please jump rope with us, Gaga?”, becomes a potential threat to Gaga’s well-being. If you dare jump in, literally, you may want to consider investing in a Medic-Alert bracelet.
As we further mature, putting on socks can become a health hazard. Following is a tip sheet:
1. Sit on straight-back chair.
2. Crossing one leg over other, pulling designated foot as close to abdominal area as possible. (*Bend forward gently to avoid triggering sciatica.)
3. Position designated foot parallel to the floor while stretching mouth of sock to widest position; slip in 5 toes and accompanying foot.
4. Pull sock up over ankle.
5. Use algorithm for seniors to rise from chair (or call 911).
In honor of my upcoming milestone birthday (Are you kidding? Women never tell!) I would like to pay tribute to the supercentenarians of the world. First, Emma Morano, born in Italy in 1899, who was verified as the oldest living person before her death in 2017 at the age of 117 years and 137 days. Second, Kane Tanaka, a Japanese woman believed to be the oldest person alive at 117 years and 41 days on Feb.12, 2020, when last verified. And lastly, Hester Ford, born on August 15, 1905 in Lancaster, South Carolina. She married at 15 and had 12 children. She is reported to have 68 grandchildren and 120 great-grandchildren and was listed, as of March 23, 2021 by the Gerontology Research Group, as the oldest living American at 115 years and 231 days.
I really don’t want to know how long my shelf life is. K. says my ‘sell by’ date is far off and he’s not selling anyway. According to the data, we baby boomers have had our lives significantly extended by modern medical and scientific innovation, multi-vitamins, blood thinners, beta blockers and the 4 P’s: probiotics, Prolia, Prevagen and Peletons.
When you’re old you do have certain advantages:
….less hair to shampoo
….senior discounts
….save money on alarm clocks
Yes, young people, it is nice to be able to lounge in bed in the morning when you’re older, especially on weekdays when you’re all huffing and puffing to get the kids off to school, wash last night’s dishes, get to the pile on your desk, etc. Busy. Busy. Busy.
We older people don’t want to trade places with you. Not at all. Been there, done that. As septuagenarian Maurice Chevalier sang in the 1958 movie, GIGI..…”I’m So Glad I’m Not Young Anymore.”
But what we do want is just a little more time…. because life is a privilege.
So enjoy!
