A counselor offers some tips on how to navigate a holiday that can be triggering.
If you’re having some anxiety or trepidation around Father’s Day, you’re probably not alone. Let’s face it, not everyone has a close relationship with their dad. Maybe you simply never got along, or he was absent or abusive. Maybe you never even met him. Perhaps you’re only coming to terms with all of this later in life. That’s all OK says licensed counselor Priya Tahim, who specializes in family conflict.
“As we get older, we grow and learn more about ourselves: We understand that not every parent was designed to be a good parent. Sometimes people are just not meant to be a part of your lives long-term,” she tells KCM. “We also learn that just because society says you have to be close to your father doesn’t make it true. Sometimes, choosing your own family is the greatest blessing of all.”
Still, it’s hard not to feel the pressure at least once a year, when Father’s Day rolls around, especially if you’re only starting to heal from any pain caused by this relationship. As the cards, targeted gifts, and tributes on social media start pouring in, it can be rough. But don’t worry, even if your relationship with your dad is on the rocky side, there are some steps you can take to protect your own well-being this time of year. Tahim outlines some things to keep in mind, and why it doesn’t necessarily have to be all about dads right now.
Manage your expectations
The whole country may be making a big fuss about Father’s Day, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Tahim recommends instead pausing and reflecting on what your relationship is with your dad. If you’re not the closest, but the relationship isn’t strained or triggering, she says investing in some quality time with him isn’t a bad idea. You can’t keep it short and sweet, like jumping on a video chat or grabbing coffee.
If you don’t have a great relationship with your dad but you still want to contact him, then Tahim says it might be best to do it in the days leading up to Father’s Day or even the following days, so there’s less pressure on the actual holiday. But make sure you have something planned, whether it’s a call or a meet-up with a friend, right after you intially reach out to make sure you have the support you need.
“If the conversation goes well, then you could possibly have another moment with them on Father’s Day, but if it doesn’t go well, you can prepare yourself,” she says.
Celebrate someone else — like yourself!
In other cases where the relationship is more fraught, you might want to instead show appreciation to other major figures in your life, like your mom, who might have had to fill both parental roles.
“Not every person is going to have a male father figure in their life,” says Tahim. “Every family looks different and it’s OK to celebrate Mom or a big brother or somebody who was there for you and taught you certain skills in your life.”
While this day traditionally recognizes dads, it can also just be a day where you focus on yourself, especially if you’ve been your own support system in this relationship all these years. Whether that means ordering your favorite takeout or watching a feel-good movie, remember to be kind to yourself and do things that bring you joy.
“Why not buy yourself a gift and treat yourself? Celebrate yourself in those moments where you feel like you don’t have somebody else to celebrate,” says Tahim.
Another option could be calling up a friend or spending time with loved ones. Regardless of what you decide to do, it’s important to express how you’re feeling and know that you’re not alone.
Avoid social media
On a day like Father’s Day, you might come across a lot of people posting about their dads, which can be triggering for some. That’s why Tahim advises unplugging for a bit and staying off sites like Facebook or Instagram.
“Not every relationship has to be the same as our friends on social media,” she says.
As with everything else, social media tends to make relationships look one-sided — and often that’s happy and healthy, at least on the surface. So if that’s hard for you to see this time of year, get your scrolling fix elsewhere — whether that’s going through options on Netflix, your favorite online shop, or photos of loved ones on your phone.
