Did you know loneliness and isolation can actually affect your health? Research has linked them to an increased risk of serious health problems, including heart disease and cognitive decline. But as we get older, children grow up, friends move, and spouses pass away — and it can be hard to stay connected.
So how do we build relationships when our community is always in flux? In the latest episode of Next Question, Katie sits down with Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator and author of The Art of Gathering and The Art of Fighting, to explore why human connection is so essential to healthy aging — and how we can create more of it in our lives.
Why does loneliness become more common as we age?
Whether you spent your younger years in school, raising children, or building a career, you were likely surrounded by people. You might have made friends with coworkers, chatted with other parents at soccer games, or gotten to know neighbors through school events. But as we get older, many of those built-in opportunities for socializing disappear.
"There are mechanisms that force you into community," Parker explains. “As we age, however, those forcing mechanisms no longer exist."
And it's not just older adults who are affected — Parker points out that modern conveniences have made it easier than ever to avoid interacting with other people. We can work from home, order groceries online, and entertain ourselves endlessly without leaving the couch.
"We now need to design our own connections," Parker says. That means we can no longer assume meaningful relationships will develop organically. Instead, we may need to make a conscious effort to create opportunities to meet people.
The secret to making friends? Start small.
If the thought of putting yourself out there feels intimidating, Parker has some words of reassurance: “You don't need to be an extrovert to build community." Instead, she suggests asking yourself a simple question: What kind of gathering would you like to attend? After you’ve established that, be the person to host it.
Hosting doesn't even have to involve inviting people you already know. Parker describes a grandmother who moved to Minneapolis to be closer to her son but struggled to make friends. After deciding to start a journaling club, she posted a handmade invitation at a local coffee shop. Eight strangers showed up.
The group met monthly, and she gradually began to feel at home in her new community. The lesson, says Parker, is that sometimes all it takes to bring people together is giving them a reason to show up.
Consistency matters
Not everyone feels comfortable organizing a gathering, and that's perfectly fine. Parker says joining an existing group can be just as effective — provided you're willing to give it some time.
Her advice is to regularly visit places that offer opportunities to interact with others, like libraries, community centers, or neighborhood coffee shops. "Repetition and proximity create trust," she explains. The important thing is not to give up after one awkward experience. She suggests committing to attending a recurring activity at least four times.
Nervous about showing up alone? Parker has another unexpected tip: Arrive early. "Be the first one there," she says. That way, you can introduce yourself to the host before the room fills up. As other guests arrive, you'll already feel a little more comfortable — and may even find yourself welcoming newcomers.
Don't limit your friendships to people your own age
Another way to expand your social circle is to reconsider who belongs in it. Parker argues that focusing only on befriending our peers can mean missing out on meaningful connections with people from other generations. "It's a uniquely American thing to assume that we have to hang out with people who are exactly our age," she says.
In fact, intergenerational relationships can be especially valuable as we get older: Friends from different generations can introduce us to new experiences and perspectives. And because these friendships aren't shaped by the same family dynamics that influence relationships with children or grandchildren, they can offer a different kind of support.
Connection isn't always comfortable — and that's OK
Of course, building relationships is only half the battle. Maintaining them requires effort, compromise, and occasionally navigating uncomfortable situations. Parker worries that our growing emphasis on individual well-being and personal boundaries, while valuable, can sometimes come at the expense of connection.
"Boundaries are incredibly important, and they're one tool for healthy relationships, but they're not the only tool," she says. "Sometimes hard boundaries can lead to isolation."
That doesn't mean tolerating unhealthy relationships. Rather, Parker believes we should place as much emphasis on learning to repair relationships as we do on protecting ourselves within them. "All relationships will inevitably have friction," she says. Learning to work through those moments can help relationships become stronger.
You don't need a big social circle to feel connected
Improving your social life doesn't require a dramatic transformation. As Parker explains, even a single friendship or small gathering can help rebuild a sense of belonging, and those connections may make it easier to develop others.
She encourages people longing for connection to ask themselves a simple question: "What am I doing alone that I could be doing with somebody else?" Maybe that means joining a walking group instead of exercising alone, inviting a neighbor to run errands together, or turning a solitary hobby into a shared activity.
And while making friends takes effort, Parker emphasizes that loneliness isn't an individual problem. Communities and public institutions also have a responsibility to create spaces where people can connect.
Ultimately, the goal isn't just to have people to spend time with. It's to build relationships in which we feel seen, valued, and missed when we're absent. As Parker puts it, "Does someone notice if you haven't shown up?" That simple question may be one of the most important measures of belonging — and a powerful reminder of why connection matters at every age.
To hear more of Katie's conversation with Priya Parker, watch or listen to the full episode of Next Question.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
