If you’re too busy navigating the competing demands of work and family obligations that you ignore your own needs, you’re in good company. I’ve spent the last few decades in what has felt like a moonbounce of controlled chaos, jumping from parenting duties to work deadlines.
For years, adrenaline fueled my life just fine. But when I realized some pesky physical symptoms — my GI tract was off, and I wasn’t sleeping well — were actually signs of burnout, I decided I needed a break from at least one of my responsibilities.
I took a “gap year” from work and set out on a "curiosity tour," in search of people making bold, heartfelt pivots. I interviewed more than 150 women, ages 45 to 105, and what I found amazed me, including women who had traded big, impressive jobs to follow their hearts: A lawyer who opened a bookshop, a former magazine editor who performs improv, a network news producer who does hyper-local journalism, and a scientist who left behind her lab to start a volunteer band of "weed warriors" to eradicate harmful, invasive vines that endanger trees.
What’s the throughline of their stories? Each midlife pivot is fueled by connection and friendship. The lawyer teamed up with a close book club pal to open the bookstore; the weed warrior forged a new community, bringing like-minded people together around a shared value; and the improv artist found not only fellow performers, but also new friends and camaraderie.
Social connection is the antidote to loneliness, which, thanks to the former Surgeon General, we know carries health risks equivalent to smoking cigarettes. And the feelings we get when we spend time with friends can reduce stress hormones and create a calming effect.
Science journalist Lydia Denworth says, “Friendship gets under the skin." In her book Friendship: The Evolution, Biology and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, she delves into the fascinating studies of social relationships among humans’ closest relatives to prove friendship isn’t just emotionally fulfilling; it’s biologically protective.
She told me a story about a baboon named Sylvia, who was part of a study of female baboons in the wild. Early in her life, Sylvia had a reputation for being nasty and controlling, a mean-girl type. But Sylvia later changed her stripes after a lion ate her closest ally. “Suddenly Sylvia was trying to be nice to all the other baboons,” Denworth says. For the rest of her long life, Sylvia stood out for cultivating strong, consistent social ties with lots of baboons, which seemed to translate into real biological advantages: Sylvia lived longer and had healthier offspring than less socially connected peers.
To Denworth, the research supports the idea of “survival of the friendliest,” a phrase she coined as a twist on Darwin’s “survival of the fittest.”
In a world where “civil disengagement” has become the norm, social connection can seem more difficult than it once was. How often do you turn down an invitation to get together with a friend because of work? Or a family member needs you? Or you’re just tired? “Next time,” you say. Like exercise, fostering friendships can be exhausting, but it, too, has health benefits.
In writing my book, Your Turn: How to Create a Midlife You Love, I concluded that friendship — whether BFFs or casual acquaintances — can make your day better, your mood lighter, and you healthier overall.
Case in point: My friend sent me a funny Instagram post from a woman who posted a picture of her best friend next to a picture of chocolate cake, claiming that the reward centers in our brains that light up when we eat our favorite foods also spark when we see our bestie’s face. There was no citation for this proclaimed bit of brain science, but I felt it when my friend sent it to me, along with a selfie of her smiling face. My day brightened.
The good news is that connection doesn't require a total life overhaul or an extroverted personality. What it takes are small, repeatable shifts in how you show up for the people around you. Here are four friendship prescriptions to strengthen your connections:
1. A friendship litmus test. Spending time with someone either sustains you or drains you. You know which is which. At its core, “friendship is cooperative, it’s reciprocal,” says Denworth. During transitions, social circles naturally shift. Friends made through a job you’ve left, or a kids’ activity now long past, may migrate from your inner circle to the outer sphere. That’s perfectly OK.
“Time is a limited resource, and good relationships take energy from both sides,” Denworth notes. Some connections fade naturally; others settle into a comfortable annual rhythm. But if someone consistently drags you down, intentional distance is warranted. Friendships can weather temporary one-sidedness. When one person is struggling, the balance may tip. But reciprocation should be the baseline.
Aristotle classified friendships into three kinds: those of utility (mutual benefit), those of pleasure (shared fun and interests), and those of virtue (deep mutual admiration and shared values). Most of us have all three in shifting proportions throughout our lives.
You don’t need to ghost anyone, but not everyone needs to stay in your inner circle. Maybe you only need to see them occasionally. Save your real energy for the truly reciprocal friendships. You’ll get it back in spades.
2. Try new strategies to connect. Civic disengagement, technology, and fear of disagreement have made talking to strangers feel harder than it did in childhood. But the art of conversation isn’t dead, says Nicholas Epley at the University of Chicago. People hesitate to connect because they assume others would rather sit alone — earbuds in — than talk to a stranger. But Epley’s research shows that once they actually engage, the experience is usually positive. Epley says the barrier is anticipation, not reality.
So how do you start? Whether you’re on a plane, at a bar, or in a park, open with a softball question rooted in your shared environment, something that invites response without putting anyone on the spot. “I wonder if it’s going to rain?” “Have you tried the drink special?” Focusing on your surroundings rather than the person directly feels less forward. You can also offer something in your shared environment. “That flight delay was brutal,” or “What do you think of that new playground?” Their response will tell you quickly whether they’re open to more.
“My advice is to take a genuine interest in other people,” Epley told me. Most people underestimate both their conversational skills and their capacity to connect. Sometimes the exchange goes no further. Sometimes it’s the beginning of a friendship.
3. Turn online connections to IRL. At a time when technology can pull us away from human connections, it can also help us forge new ones. People find jobs, houses, and romantic partners through online apps, and it’s reasonable to try to find new acquaintances or friends this way too. There are lots of apps and organizations that help strangers connect in safer and more controlled environments, making it possible to curate a group of willing, friendly strangers. For example, Bumble BFF works like the dating app, if you’re willing to take the time to swipe through all the potential matches.
4. Let neighborly acts bridge to friendship. Take inspiration from this study: Researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad and her collaborators wanted to know if simple acts could bring neighbors together. The KIND challenge involved thousands of participants in the United States, Britain, and Australia. For one month, participants chose simple ways to help neighbors like bringing in trash bins, walking a dog, collecting mail, and checking in. The results? Reduced loneliness, as well as reduced social isolation and social anxiety among many participants.
“So many loneliness interventions involve waiting for someone to help the lonely person,” Holt-Lunstad told me. “What I love about this approach is that you have the autonomy to take the action yourself.” It points to one of life’s more satisfying paradoxes: Helping others is a reliable way to help yourself.
So pick one thing this week. Share the zucchini taking over your garden. Introduce yourself to someone who walks past your house every day. Wave as they drive by. Take the initiative to organize a meetup in the park. The gesture doesn’t have to be grand. It just has to happen. You might be surprised where it leads.
Adapted from Your Turn. Used with the permission of the publisher, Avid Reader Press. Copyright © 2026 by Allison Aubrey. To share your story of midlife reimagined, connect with Allison on Substack and sign up for her free newsletter.
