The word "narcissist" is tossed off pretty regularly in our culture, but do you actually know how to spot one? This disorder isn't a monolith; it encompasses many different kinds of behavior and expresses itself in disparate ways — often with explosive consequences.
Narcissism is analyzed in fascinating fashion in the new book Unseen: A Therapist's Reflection on a Daughter's Journey Through a Narcissistic Father's Shadow. In it, Dr. Rachna Buxani — a licensed mental health counselor with more than 20 years of experience in trauma, family dysfunction, and identity development — pairs research-based analysis of narcissism with her own intimate reflections on growing up with a complicated parent and the years she spent untangling the lies she was taught to believe about herself.
As the book's publisher describes: "From the invisible roles children are forced to play in narcissistic families to the long-term impact on trust, identity, and love, Unseen gently holds the reader through pain, recognition, and ultimately, healing. For anyone who has ever doubted their own memories, apologized for their needs, or wondered why love feels like something that must be earned, this story will feel hauntingly familiar. In the end, it will help the reader believe that healing is not only possible, but already underway."
In this exclusive excerpt from Unseen, Dr. Buxani outlines the different types of narcissism you might spot among people in your life, including how those different versions manifest in interpersonal interactions, what narcissism looks like when it's covert vs. overt, and much more.
Not all narcissism looks the same. In fact, one of the reasons it is so often misunderstood is because it can wear so many different faces. Some narcissists are loud and attention-seeking. Others are quiet and withdrawn. Some are admired by their communities, while others create chaos in their closest relationships. The differences in how narcissism presents can be subtle, but the underlying traits remain the same: a fragile sense of self, a deep need for control or admiration, and a struggle to tolerate vulnerability.
Grandiose Narcissism
This is the version that shaped the earliest clinical definitions. It is the prototype most people recognize. Grandiose narcissists are often the ones who dominate rooms, lead conversations, and make their achievements known before you have even finished your introduction. They appear confident, charismatic, and unshakably self-assured. At first glance, they seem like they have it all together: ambitious, driven, and successful.
But that is only the surface.
Beneath the bravado, there is a fragile self-image that is extremely reactive to criticism or failure. Their need for admiration is constant, and their tolerance for vulnerability is almost nonexistent. When life pushes back — when they fail, lose control, or feel unseen — their reactions can be sharp. Anger, blame, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal are common. They cannot tolerate the feeling of not being special.
They rarely seek therapy on their own. In fact, we only tend to see them in clinical settings under very specific circumstances – when there is pressure from a partner, a legal complication, or issues with substance use. Even then, they often do not show up with curiosity about themselves. They come in because someone else insisted. Their grandiosity helps them avoid self-examination. In their minds, they do not need help; others do.
Vulnerable Narcissism
This form is less visible, but just as impactful. Vulnerable narcissists often do not look like what people imagine when they hear the word “narcissism.” They may come across as quiet, anxious, or even deeply introspective. But underneath that presentation lies the same underlying dynamics: entitlement, envy, a deep fear of abandonment, and a rigid sense of victimhood.
They carry a persistent belief that the world is against them. That no one truly understands them. That others have always stood in the way of their success or happiness. They want to be special, but often lack what it takes to be seen that way. This gap between their longing and their reality creates a constant tension that shows up as irritability, resentment, or passive-aggressive behavior.
These individuals often carry deep emotional pain, shame, social anxiety, and chronic insecurity, but that pain is externalized rather than processed. Instead of confronting their own patterns, they dwell in helplessness. They might sabotage opportunities and then resent those who succeed. They do not shout for validation, but they feel wounded when it is not freely offered.
Covert and Overt Expressions
Narcissism does not always arrive in loud, theatrical form. Some people perform their grandiosity openly. Others carry it just beneath the surface. That is the difference between overt and covert narcissism.
Overt narcissism is what most people notice; it is visible, expressive, and easy to spot. It shows up in someone who dominates conversations, brags about success, criticizes others easily, and demands admiration. They want you to see their power.
Covert narcissism, on the other hand, is subtle and hidden. These individuals often mask their narcissism with insecurity, helplessness, or intellectual superiority. But the core traits are still present. They still crave validation. They still feel entitled to special treatment. They just express it in quieter, less direct ways.
For example, a grandiose covert narcissist might believe that everyone around them is jealous. They may not say it aloud, but they carry that belief and use it to explain rejection, feedback, or failure. A grandiose overt narcissist, on the other hand, will tell you directly that they are the best and others are beneath them.
With vulnerable narcissism, the covert version shows up as bitter rumination, believing everyone is out to get them, feeling inferior but blaming others, and stewing silently over perceived slights. The vulnerable overt narcissist may complain loudly, isolate themselves when they feel ignored, or constantly seek reassurance that they are not being abandoned.
Malignant Narcissism
This is the most dangerous and destructive expression of narcissism. Malignant narcissists do not just seek admiration or control; they seek power through fear. Their behaviors are often marked by cruelty, manipulation, and a complete absence of accountability. They are antagonistic and aggressive, and their relationships are shaped less by connection and more by domination.
What sets them apart is the intensity and scale of their destructiveness. They rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they rewrite the story to make themselves the hero or the victim. Their failures are conveniently left out, and their harmful behaviors are justified or blamed on others. They create chaos in their environment, then act as if they are the only ones holding things together.
This pattern is especially devastating in intimate relationships. Malignant narcissists often engage in coercive control, a form of psychological abuse designed to trap and disempower their partners or family members. This control can take many forms: financial restrictions, monitoring movements, threatening harm, chronic criticism, gaslighting, or controlling access to food, sleep, or appearance. Over time, the other person is left feeling small, confused, and completely dependent.
Communal Narcissism
This form of narcissism hides behind kindness. On the surface, communal narcissists look generous, altruistic, even inspiring. They are the ones leading fundraisers, organizing community drives, or mentoring others. They speak the language of service and appear deeply committed to helping the world. But if you pay attention, something else begins to show.
Their giving is rarely quiet. It comes with a spotlight. They help because they want to be seen helping. Their kindness is not purely about the other person. It is about the admiration they hope it brings. They want to be known as the most generous, the most compassionate, the most selfless.
If they do not receive recognition for their efforts, their demeanor can change quickly. What was once warmth becomes coldness. They may become resentful, angry, or even withdrawn. They struggle to handle someone else receiving praise for something they believe they deserved.
Self-Righteous Narcissism
This type of narcissism is built on morality. The self-righteous narcissist believes they are not just good, but better. Not just right, but righteous. They have a deep need to be seen as virtuous, and they live by a rigid personal code that leaves little room for flexibility or compassion. Their validation comes from being the most correct, the most ethical, the most disciplined.
They are often judgmental and punitive. They hold themselves and others to incredibly high standards, and they see deviation from those standards as weakness or failure. If you are running late with a crying child, they will not offer understanding. Instead, they will point out that you should have left earlier. They prioritize being correct over being kind.
Their worldview is narrow. They are entitled to their beliefs and dismissive of anyone who sees the world differently. Conversations with them feel like courtrooms. They do not just disagree; they pass judgment. They rarely admit mistakes. Instead, they justify, defend, or redirect. Their perfectionism is suffocating, especially for those who live with them.
Neglectful Narcissism
This is one of the quietest and most overlooked expressions of narcissism. There is no shouting, no grandiosity, no overt control. Just a deep absence of presence, of care, of emotional connection.
Neglectful narcissists are emotionally unavailable. They are not attuned to the needs of others and often cannot be bothered unless someone serves a function in their life. They avoid intimacy, not out of fear, but out of disinterest. Relationships, to them, are not mutual spaces. They are utilities.
There is little to no awareness of the emotional world of the people around them. They may forget important events, dismiss feelings, or act indifferent to distress. Not because they are overwhelmed, but because they simply do not see others as separate, feeling individuals. Their focus remains on themselves, their routine, their comfort, and their priorities.
This kind of narcissism does not leave bruises or raise alarms. But its impact runs deep. Partners feel invisible. Children feel emotionally orphaned. Friends feel used. And over time, those around them begin to feel like they do not exist unless they are useful.
Learning about narcissism did not just change the way I saw my clients. It changed the way I understood harm.
It taught me that not all wounds are loud. Some arrive quietly. They live in confusion, in exhaustion, in the slow erosion of confidence. They show up as self-doubt, as walking on eggshells, as constantly wondering if you are the problem.
It taught me that surviving narcissistic harm is not about being weak. It is about having lived in a space where love came with conditions, where being seen meant being used, and where your sense of self slowly unraveled.
From Unseen: A Therapist’s Reflection on a Daughter’s Journey Through a Narcissistic Father’s Shadow by Dr. Rachna Buxani (Inkscribe, 2026). Reprinted with permission.
