The long drought has ended, and The Golden Bachelor is back. This means I can finally emerge from the cave in which we recappers live between seasons. Let me just say, after taking stock of how things are going out here in the real world, I might actually prefer the cave. But for now, let’s escape into reality TV…
I’m not going to lie to you all, I was apprehensive about recapping this season. That’s because over the summer, Mel Owens went on the In the Trenches podcast, where he dished on what he was looking for in a woman — and it was not received well for someone who’s supposed to be the Golden Bachelor. “We had lunch with the executive producer,” Mel recounted on the podcast. “I said, ‘You know, if they’re 60 or over, I’m cutting them.'” He added later, “I told them, ‘you know, try to stay away from the artificial hips and the wigs, ya know?'”
I feared that production would completely gloss over this, as the women act as if Mel is the ultimate prize. But something surprised me: That’s not what happened at all.
The two-hour season premiere opens with Mel waxing poetic about the magic of falling in love, and admitting, “I’m nervous the women are going to have misconceptions about me,” before describing what he said on the podcast. Confronting this controversy head-on is a serious breath of fresh air.
“I’m sorry for all the things I said on the podcast,” Mel says. “I know what a lot of people are thinking about me, but that’s not who I am.”
We see a montage of various contestants putting on their makeup as they air out how they really feel about Mel’s comments. This is going to be a really unique season because for the first time, the Bachelor is competing against himself.
Next, we see Mel talking to his sons, Lucas and Andre. Lucas was born in 2005, and I know that logically that is how population growth works and all, but as a millennial, it feels deeply wrong knowing that people are born after 1999.
I have a similar experience when I learn Mel’s age. Mel tells us he was born in 1958 in Detroit; having the Golden Bachelor be the same age as my dad is not sitting right.
Me: *Knows the Golden Bachelor is 66*
Also me: *Sees my dad as perpetually 61 for some reason*
Me: *Learns Mel was born in 1958, the same year as my dad*
These facts do not compute. Mel reveals that his wife divorced him in 2020 because “she found someone new.” He continues to hope for forgiveness from the women as he pulls up to the Bachelor mansion wearing some serious orthopedic shoes. What was it Jesus said? Let he who wear not orthopedic shoes cast the first stone? Or something like that?
The best Golden Bachelor season 2 limo entrances
Here’s a rundown of some of the most memorable entrances:
- Cindy gives Mel a hug and tells him, “My name is Cindy, like Cinderella. I’ve been looking for my Prince Charming for a very long time.” It worked out for her that she was able to make her entire entrance based on name puns alone.
- Carol throws Mel a baseball and says, “They told me you’re a good catch.” Wrong sport, Carol! (Mel is a former NFL player.)
- Diane comes in guns absolutely blazing and asks Mel, “What the puck was that interview with the podcast?” (Diane plays hockey.) Mel apologizes and says, “It was unfair, unkind.” I’m getting chills from all the accountability.
- Terri has a puppet that she slaps Mel with. I’ve to say, I had low hopes for this season, which actually might turn out to be the best ever.
- Peg sets off a “love bomb,” dressed in full bomb squad gear. It doesn’t go as planned, and despite two tries, the “explosion” is more of a puff of smoke.
- Amy attempts to break through a banner held by her daughters that says #1 Draft Pick, and it goes about as well as the love bomb.
- To everyone who thought Andra looked a lot like Sandra from Gerry’s season…we have justice because it turns out, she is Sandra’s twin! And now I feel stupid for not putting it together because their names are literally Andra and Sandra.
- Cheryl comes in on a motorcycle. That’s all.
Who gets Mel’s First Impression rose?
Once all the ladies are inside the mansion, Mel greets them, and the first thing out of his mouth is an apology for the podcast. “It was insensitive, unfair,” and adds, “I hope you forgive me and let me earn it back.” Then he has some conversations with a few of the ladies.
Alexandra says, “Love is not something you compete for. Love is something you feel.” That’s all well and good, but maybe not for the dating competition show.
Gerri shows Mel her journal and reads letters from her kids. She later gets the first impression rose because Mel was so moved.
Gerri: This feels like winning the Super Bowl
Mel: Well, I never won one, so I wouldn’t know.
Who goes home during the first rose ceremony on The Golden Bachelor season premiere?
After a long night, Mel hands out his first roses to the following ladies:
- Peg
- Carla
- Terri
- Cheryl
- Nicole
- Cindy
- Amy
- Alexandra
- Monica P
- Mylene
- Carol
- Roxanne
- Monica B
- Robin
- Diane
With the final rose going to Debbie.
That means Tracy, Susie, Andra, Maia, and Lisa are going home. Not going to lie, I’m sad to see Andra go, but maybe she’ll switch up her look a bit and come back as Sandra, who knows?
We’ve done a whole rose ceremony and we’re only halfway through the episode, so it looks like my night will be almost as long as these ladies’. Jesse lets the women know there’s going to be a group date and a one-on-one date. The lucky lady getting some solo time with Mel is…Cheryl. The date card says, “I’m looking for a timeless love.”
The one-on-one date
Cheryl begins the long journey to…the next room, where there are racks and racks of gowns and shoes for her to choose from. This is a good sign for Cheryl, as historically, the woman who gets the shopping date tends to go far in the show. Sometimes, she even wins.
Mel shows up for his date with Cheryl, and Nicolle walks over and kisses him. Bold move.
Cheryl and Mel enjoy a candlelit dinner where they bond over Cheryl’s history of competitive racing and family — she’s very close with her 93-year-old mom and her sons. We learn that Cheryl was abandoned by her son’s father (her then-husband) when she was in the hospital giving birth. And then the husband came back and kidnapped the son! What a story. Cheryl forgave her son’s father because this woman is a saint. If that had happened to me, I’d probably be the subject of a Snapped episode.
Anyway, it’s no surprise Mel gives her a rose after learning all that. This means she’s safe from elimination.
The group date
Appropriately, this first group date is football-themed. The women will be cheering for Mel, and the best cheerleaders will win an after-party with him. There’s a special guest on this date, and it’s…Paula Abdul! Plus the LA Rams cheerleaders.
First up is Mel’s Angels, aka the yellow team, who do a routine to Abdul’s “Straight Up.” They might be lacking in coordination, but they more than make up for it in enthusiasm. Next up is the blue team, named the Mel’s GB Squad, who do a routine to “Opposites Attract,” and you can definitely tell there are some dancers on the team.
The winners are…Mel’s GB Squad.
During the after-party, Mel plays Cindy a video from her daughter. They share a steamy makeout sesh, and I have a feeling she’s getting the date rose. I’m right. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket, or maybe it was just super obvious.
The pool party
The episode wraps with a pool party, and Mel jumps in the pool, sneakers and all. Could that be a metaphor for how he’s about to dive into the dating pool? We’ll have to see.
The most notable moments here are that Peg gets a good one-on-one conversation with Mel, and Nicolle jumps into the pool and begins kissing Mel…again. Some of the ladies looking on are not happy about this. Will she be this season’s villain?
Meanwhile, Diane (the oldest in the house at 71) is still not letting go of Mel’s podcast comments, which I can understand but also am not sure about as a long-term strategy.
Who goes home during the second rose ceremony on The Golden Bachelor?
I did not expect to be getting two rose ceremonies for the price of one!
The roses go to…
- Roxanne
- Debbie
- Gerri
- Monica P.
- Monica B.
- Carol
- Peg
- Nicolle
- Robin
- Amy
And the final rose goes to…Terri.
That means Diane, Carla, Mylene, and Alexandra are going home. I’m sad to see Diane go because I loved her strong, confident energy.
And that’s all she wrote — literally — for episode 1! For even more hot takes on the season premiere, check out my conversation with comedian and podcaster Jared Freid right here:
