And what to do instead.
In fourth grade, the two Kims were the most popular girls in my class. They were my first experience of frenemies, frequently exerting their power and then punishing each other with the silent treatment. Each would stand on opposite sides of the playground, surrounded by their girls. I took on the role of peacemaker, going between the two, passing along their messages to each other. I desperately wanted everyone to get along.
When I was 11, my dad stopped speaking to his only sibling and her husband, and his only aunt and uncle…or they stopped speaking to him. I’ll never know for sure. My cousins were my best friends. My great aunt and uncle’s farm was my favorite place to visit. Suddenly, they were no longer a part of my life. The next time I saw them was as an adult, 10 years later. Those relationships never fully recovered because too much critical time had passed.
I grew up thinking the silent treatment was a normal, reasonable tactic when fighting with or penalizing a loved one. Maybe you did, too.
What is the silent treatment?
The silent treatment is when one person chooses to shut another out by choosing silence. This can last anywhere from moments to decades and can be subtle or overt.
It may include:
- Pretending they cannot hear the other, looking up confused and saying, “Did you hear something?” any time the punished person speaks.
- Putting in earbuds to end a conversation
- Walking away from a conversation
- Refusing to respond
- Answering questions with short one-word answers to limit communication. “How was your day?” “Fine.”
- Sharing a space with someone without saying a word
- Not responding to phone calls or texts
- Telling others that they’re not speaking to someone, in the hopes that it gets back to the intended person
In context it might look like:
- Not answering a friend’s text, hoping they get the hint
- Not responding to a coworker’s ping because they dropped the ball on a project
- Not speaking to a significant other to express displeasure
These are all common behaviors. Ghosting, an extreme form of silent treatment, is so common in the dating world, that it’s almost expected.
You are probably guilty of using at least one of these tactics at some point in a relationship with a friend, sibling, spouse, or family member, and/or have been on the receiving end. The silent treatment is so typical, you’d think it’s productive. But it’s not.
What is no or limited contact?
Those in narcissistic or otherwise toxic relationships are often advised to “go no contact” or aim for limited contact. This involves ending communication with toxic people who threaten their peace.
No contact may include:
- Blocking someone on social media, phone, and email
- Returning mail and packages sent to the home
- Refusing to respond to outreach
- Avoiding places you know that person will be
Limited contact may include:
- Transactional conversations only about necessary topics, such as children or working together
- Providing minimal information in response to a question, “What did you do this weekend?” “Not much.”
- Sending brief communications in writing to control the volume and content
- Communicating through a mediator or mutual friend
Though the behaviors may look similar and the end result is the same — no communication — the intent is entirely different. The person who chooses to go no contact intends and acts in a way to prioritize their health and well-being. They set a boundary required to maintain their emotional and mental health. Going no contact is self-responsible, and self-protection.
Why is the silent treatment abuse?
Silent treatment, on the other hand, is not about protecting your own peace or setting a boundary. It’s about punishing or manipulating the other person.
The silent treatment may be used to express anger, frustration, hurt, or other displeasure, rather than communicating those emotions directly and in a productive way.
The silent treatment may also be used to manipulate another’s behavior to get something you want.
Say your best friend wants you to go to a concert with her, but you’re not interested. The tickets are expensive, you’re not a fan of the band, and you’d rather use your time and money for something else. She withdraws and makes her unhappiness known. Her one-word answers and lack of enthusiasm for conversation are unusual. You eventually give in and agree to go to the concert.
In another common, toxic scenario, your significant other comes home late without an explanation. You confront him. Rather than responding, he stops speaking to you. Each day, he walks through the kitchen without saying a word, hides behind a magazine when you try to speak to him, and leaves for work before you get up in the morning. This goes on for weeks.
Eventually, you feel so uncomfortable with his avoidance that you apologize to make it stop. He dodges all accountability for his actions and you’ve now taken the blame.
An adult or child on the receiving end of silence will feel punished. And in interpersonal adult relationships, punishment is designed to cause shame in someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. It exacerbates their fear of not being enough, a fear held by many victims of abuse. Targeting that fear provides control, making the victim more easily manipulated. Actions designed to shame and manipulate others are always harmful and have no place in a healthy relationship.
What to do instead
Quiet time and the silent treatment are not one and the same; you can have some peace without fearing ramifications. Seeking silence with your thoughts and feelings is OK when the goal is internally focused.
When you’re feeling angry, hurt, or frustrated, you may need to take a step back to emotionally regulate yourself before continuing the conversation. The goal should be resolution, not punishment or lashing out. You can communicate this in a healthy way.
- “I’m feeling really upset right now. I need to collect myself and then return.”
- “I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I need some time to calm myself.”
- “This is an important conversation and I want to give you my best. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
In a safe, healthy intimate relationship, this is also a great opportunity to practice vulnerability.
- “I feel angry because…”
- “It really hurt me when you said…”
- “I’m afraid that if I disagree, you’ll leave.”
When you’re willing to express how you feel, you create an opportunity for your loved one to meet you and for you both to grow together.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery expert who frees survivors from the aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free guide Was Any of It Real? or learn more about working with her on her website.
