The holidays don’t always bring out the best in us — here are some tips for how to make it through with your relationships intact.
‘Tis the season for rich food, festive outfits…and maybe a bit too much time with family members.
An estimated 75 percent of the American population admits to wanting to escape family members from time to time during the holidays, with most people only able to stand about four hours at a time before needing to step outside for a break. If these numbers sound wild to you, we’re thrilled your family is so bearable, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone you’re related to who identifies with these statistics. Regardless of how you approach family time, your loved ones might feel differently. Meaning, you might want to spend every second you can with them, but they might need a bit more space — and that doesn’t mean they love you any less, they just have different needs.
If someone verbalizes their need for boundaries, respecting those requests is the best thing you can do for that relationship. You might think you can prove them wrong by pushing back or inserting yourself into their lives, but that’s only going to send the message that you have no regard for their needs.
To help you navigate these parameters, we spoke with Natalie Lue, founder of one of the longest-running self-help blogs in the world, Baggage Reclaim, and author of the forthcoming book, The Joy of Saying No.
Right off the bat, Lue offered crucial insight for you to consider as you navigate the occasionally tumultuous waters of spending time with family over the holidays: “‘No‘ isn’t a dirty word.”
She elaborates, “you have to be careful of seeing ‘yes’ as a reward for good behavior and ‘no’ as rejection, punishment, or judgment. ‘No’ is just an expression of what someone knows about their boundaries, including their needs, desires, and bandwidth at that time. Don’t villainize people for saying ‘no,’ and definitely don’t beat yourself up if they do.”
Below, Lue provides a foolproof plan for making it all the way to February with your relationships intact.
Don’t get offended
Whether you’re receiving a new set of boundaries or bumping up against the same old ones, one great rule of thumb is to believe the best in your loved ones — even if they’re not responding the way you’d like them to, Lue emphasizes.
If you’re challenged by the boundaries someone has set with you (like, for example, if your sibling doesn’t want to talk about politics at the dinner table and you do), consider asking yourself how you’re viewing the intentions of the boundary maker.
If you’re convinced they have malevolent intentions, then it’s easier to dismiss their request. But if you think they have good intentions, then you might have an easier time respecting their wishes.
Try not to get offended when someone establishes a clear line with you. Instead, try to appreciate that they’re making an effort to be honest with you and feel they can be. Even if it leads to a difficult conversation or two, it will strengthen your relationship in the end — as long as you’re willing to have the conversation to begin with.
The benefits of boundaries
Spending time with family can make any person start to feel like they’re reverting to their childhood selves. From bickering with siblings to complaining about unloading the dishwasher, you might be surprised to find yourself behaving a different way than you do usually.
That’s why it’s so important to remember this fact: You’re not a child. You’re an adult. And unless you’re in an argument with your 12-year-old nephew, it’s likely that the family member you’re having boundary issues with is an adult, too.
“In our relationships with family, saying ‘no’ is crucial because, otherwise, we behave as if we’re still a child,” Lue says. “If we never set boundaries, the relationships don’t evolve because everyone oversteps all the time and has unrealistic expectations. Establishing or accepting limits with family sets the relationship up for growth and acknowledges that we’re grown up.”
When someone you love shuts you down, they aren’t just establishing what they do or don’t want — they’re also establishing how they want to be seen, which is as a mature, emotionally intelligent adult with self-respect. And by respecting the boundary they set, you’re telling them that you see them that way, too.
Operate from a place of desire, not obligation
If you want to set some boundaries of your own, consider this simple idea: Operate from a place of desire, rather than a place of obligation.
A revolutionary thought, right?
“Let’s say that your parent expects you to come home for a week during the holidays,” Lue says. “You might realize that you want to skip it this year or that you only want to go for a couple of days. This is crucial information because if you went for a week feeling this way, it would feel pretty crappy for you. Instead, act on the desire.”
Instead of creating boundaries based on what you don’t want to happen, consider viewing boundaries from the perspective of what you do want to happen. Tell the parent you won’t be there for a week by informing them that you’re looking forward to spending a few days with them — that’ll be easier for them to digest.
“Something else I recommend is to check in with yourself about the holidays and what you do and don’t want to do as soon as possible,” Lue says. “I know that this can be an anxiety-inducing time, but don’t leave sharing your plans with your loved ones until the last minute. If you do, you’ll likely talk yourself into doing something you don’t want because it feels too late or you’ll let them down at the last minute and still wind up feeling bad. People like to know where they stand.”
What to do if you’re not sure about a given boundary
If you’re not sure what a family member wants from you, then it might be time for a little introspection before you have a conversation with anyone else.
“If you’re not sure what’s happening, check in with yourself about why you think there’s an issue,” Lue suggests. “Sometimes, what we’ve said or done is fine but due to our people pleasing and anxiety, we assume, for instance, that we’ve crossed a line by speaking up about something.”
If you do know that you’ve overstepped but you aren’t sure what you did exactly or how to avoid it in the future, Lue definitely encourages you to communicate. “Don’t dodge it,” Lue says. “Don’t let an awkward silence build up between you; do confront the issue and clear the air.”
And it’s totally fine if people aren’t happy with the boundaries you want to set with them. “Don’t try to own your family member’s feelings,” Lue says. “They don’t have to have the perfect reaction.”
