Here’s how your childhood affects your adult relationships.
Have you ever felt like you and your partner are completely out of sync — especially when you’re in an argument? If you two have different emotional reactions to conflict, you might have different attachment styles, too.
What are attachment styles, what can they tell us about ourselves, and how can we use that info to strengthen our relationships? We asked Meghan Rice, PsyD., LPC, a therapist at Talkspace who specializes in couples counseling, to help us understand what these preferences mean, and how to apply that knowledge to everyday conflict, so you can avoid big blowouts before they happen.
What are the different types of attachment styles?
Attachment theory proposes that the emotional bond you form as a child to a primary caregiver shapes your life. Since that’s the first real relationship we form, these bonds impact how we approach future relationships. Most of us fall into four main groups: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Secure Attachment
“People with secure attachment have a positive view of themselves, so they’ll form stable and meaningful relationships,” explains Rice. “The theory goes that when these people were babies, their parents were completely attentive to all their needs.” Of course, anyone who’s ever raised a child knows that it’s impossible to be a perfect parent, so it’s not surprising that the majority of people fall into one of the three “insecure” attachment categories, below.
Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious attachment happens when a caregiver isn’t consistent in meeting a baby’s needs, so the child learns that they need to do something to receive either emotional or physical care. “As adults, people with insecure attachment often come off as needy, and may have trust issues,” explains Rice. “They may view themselves negatively, and fear being alone because they crave external validation.”
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant style were raised by caregivers who met their physical needs, but not necessarily their emotional ones. “Since these people have learned they can’t rely on others for emotional support, they’re often self-reliant and emotionally guarded,” says Rice. “They usually view themselves positively, but assume other people won’t live up to their expectations.” Rice says many CEOs or people in high-power positions have an avoidant attachment style.
Disorganized Attachment Style
These people likely suffered from a traumatic childhood, are more likely to have mental health issues, and have a very difficult time forming and maintaining relationships. They make up a very small percentage of the population.
How does attachment style impact your romantic relationships?
Rice says understanding both your own and your partner’s attachment style is crucial when dealing with tense situations. “Generally, anxious and avoidant personalities end up together,” she explains, “so you’ve got to understand why that person is reacting the way they are to come to an understanding.”
An avoidant person really dislikes emotional confrontation. “These people will usually react with defensiveness, detachment, or they’ll completely shut down emotionally,” explains Rice. On the other hand, anxiously attached people will seek their partner’s attention at any cost, even if that attention is negative. “For these people, negative attention is better than no attention at all,” explains Rice. “They might egg on their partner, even if it means exacerbating a conflict. If they can keep someone engaged, even if their partner is screaming at them, they feel like they’re worthy of emotional value.”
How should people with avoidant attachment styles and anxious attachment styles approach conflict?
This is a common attachment combination, according to Rice, who recommends taking a breather when things start to get heated. “When either of you feels like you’re starting to lose your temper, call a 20-minute time-out,” she suggests. Use this time to cool down, either by meditating, taking a short walk, or otherwise grounding yourself. In addition, each person should use this break to bring something productive back to the conversation. “During that time, I want each person to think about one thing they love about their partner,” she says. “But I also want the anxious person to think about what they love about themselves.” Rice says the avoidant person should spend some additional time reflecting on what drew them to their partner in the first place: “There are eight billion people on the planet, but you chose this person. Why? Think about a time when that person made you feel your best, and bring yourself back there. I imagine those feelings are very different from what you’re feeling right now.”
When you come back to the table, approach the situation by sharing your own feelings and acknowledging the other person’s. “Critiquing or blaming someone else leaves them feeling defensive, and ignores the fact that generally both people hold some responsibility in the conflict,” says Rice. “So during that time-out, take a minute to try to imagine what that other person is feeling — put yourself in their shoes. Then consider how you’ve contributed to them feeling this way. You might not be fully responsible, but each person should acknowledge their own role in what led to this argument.”
