Need to Have a Tough Conversation? Here Are 5 Secrets of Great Communicators

We’ve all walked away from an argument or important conversation thinking, Darn, I really wish I’d said that better. If you feel this way more often than not, you’re not alone: Although some people are more naturally skilled at expressing their thoughts and feelings, many of us struggle to get our ideas across when it matters most. The good news? With a little effort, anyone can master the art of communication.

That’s why we asked Karmen Smith, licensed clinical social worker and Talkspace therapist, to give us tips on how best to hear and be heard. She shared five strategies to keep in mind during stressful or emotionally fraught conversations, but they’re effective in almost any exchange. While you might not resolve all your issues in one discussion, these skills will relieve some of the pressure, and ensure that both people walk away feeling understood.

Set an Intention

The first and most important step in any complicated conversation should happen before the talking even starts — to set an intention. Smith explains that this goal should be personally attainable: “You don’t want to go in with an agenda,” she says, “because you have no control over how someone else will react. So if you start out with a goal like, I want him to see how much I do for him, or I want her to stop putting me down, you’re going to be disappointed.”

Instead, remember that communication is a two-way street, so your intention should never be to change someone’s behavior. To that end, suggests Smith, “Consider intentions like, I want to connect with this person that I’ve grown distant from, or I want to understand what this person is going through, and how that might be impacting their behavior.” By letting go of assumptions and accusations, you leave room for vulnerability and honesty.

Be Present

In a heated moment, there’s always the temptation to bring up the past as ammunition — particularly when you’re not getting the reaction you want. But can you think of a single time when bringing up how your partner forgot to take the trash out last week has turned an argument in your favor? If you’re spending all your time thinking about the next long-held grievance you want to bring up, you’re not processing what the other person is saying, and you might as well just be talking to yourself. “Staying present doesn’t only mean putting away your phone or making sure you’ve dedicated enough time for a substantial conversation,” says Smith. “Presence means listening, asking for clarification, processing, and then reacting. I know it’s hard, but you have to free your mind from harping on the past or worrying about whether you’re ‘winning’ the argument.”

Establish Trust and Safety

Smith explains that we all react differently to difficult situations based on our past trauma. In the face of confrontation, some people may shut down, and others may blow up. “Safety and trust is really tied to non-judgment,” says Smith. “So if you go in saying I’m right and you’re wrong, that person is naturally going to lean on their trauma response.” Throughout the conversation, avoid criticizing or negating the other person’s feelings, even if your gut reaction is to say something cruel. By pausing to collect your thoughts instead of responding with judgment, you’ll establish a baseline of respect and openness, and hopefully the other person will respond in kind.

You’ve also got to learn to maintain equilibrium when you’re being confronted. In that situation, you may feel like you’ve been blindsided, which could make you feel enraged or defeated. It’s worth noting that if a particular statement really bothers you, it’s probably because part of you thinks it’s true. Smith elaborates, “You’ve got to learn what your own triggers are, and be self-aware enough in the moment not to fall into the same pattern of reactions.”

Learning to be less reactive is especially important when someone approaches you in a highly emotional state. “If someone starts an argument by screaming at you, it’s natural to want to match their level,” says Smith. “Take a few deep breaths to stay calm and absorb what they said, even if the silence feels awkward or uncomfortable.” Reacting calmly and rationally to someone who is yelling can really take the wind out of their sails. By reminding yourself that anger is actually masking underlying hurt or insecurity, you can calmly get to the root of the issue.

Notice and Deliver Non-Verbal Cues

Non-verbal cues can be dramatic, like slamming a door, or subtle, like crossing your arms as a self-protective gesture. “Negative nonverbal reactions happen when a person is in fear mode,” says Smith. “When we’re afraid, we fight, flee, or freeze. This might mean the person starts clenching their fists or leaning away from you, depending on their fear response.” Sometimes, a person’s physical cues won’t match what they’re saying    

If you see a negative non-verbal cue during your conversation, try reacting with a positive one. Smith suggests “a small, meaningful physical gesture, like squeezing their hand or touching their shoulder.” Positive non-verbal cues can defuse tension and might even make more of an impact than the words you’re saying.

Gratitude

It’s never a bad time to express gratitude to someone you care about. Being mindful and showing gratitude toward your loved ones during good times can help you to navigate the bad. “Make gratitude part of your daily habit,” suggests Smith. “Just like brushing your teeth, establish a gratitude ritual.” This might mean kissing your spouse on the cheek and saying I appreciate you every morning, or hanging up the phone for just 30 seconds to give your full attention to your kids when you see them off to school. “By establishing a baseline of gratitude,” says Smith, “it won’t feel awkward or disingenuous when you express gratitude during critical conversations.” When you’re going through a tough time, these accumulated gestures will ensure your loved one knows you’ve always — and will always — respect and care about them.