I stayed up all night baking cookies, and no one ate them. That’s all I could think as I fumed at that church gathering. At the time, I was a doctor and mother of five working 60-80 hours per week. I was also eight months pregnant. I always made my kids a priority, but especially during the holidays. That year, they were cast in the church’s Christmas pageant, and while I was excited, I knew all I could contribute was getting them to and from rehearsals.
But the overachieving parents planned a post-performance reception, and assigned all moms to bring 50 cookies each. I wanted to cry. I was at the start of the holiday marathon, and I was already exhausted. Plus, as any working mom knows, you have to prove your skills, devotion, and time management to the stay-at-home moms by making the cookies. Store-bought simply won’t do. So after the kids were in bed at 8 p.m. the night before the performance and the hours of post-clinic charting were complete, I started baking at 11 p.m. I lost sleep and sacrificed my sanity, but I had a wonderful tray of cookies to take to the event.
The pageant was outstanding. The kids were so proud. At the reception, my cookies were nowhere to be found. I asked one of the organizers and was told, “Oh, we had so many, we couldn’t put them all out.” I traded my well-being to make those cookies, and in the end, it didn’t matter.
I was taught that generosity feels good, so why is it that giving often leaves us feeling resentful or depleted?
When gifting leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, you’re not experiencing generosity. You’re experiencing a biological safety mechanism. Here are four ways to tell the difference.
Are you paying a ransom, or can you say no?
It’s easy at this time of year to be swept into what I call compulsive generosity. You over-extend yourself buying gifts for everyone — friends and family, of course, but also teachers, professional contacts, and even the crossing guard. You likely over-extend your budget, but you definitely over-extend your time and energy.
It doesn’t stop there. You donate to charity. You host dinners and parties.
But are you genuinely doing those things out of love for the people in your life, or are you doing them to manage everyone else’s emotions so you don’t have to face the danger of their disappointment?
The true test of a gift is your autonomy. If the idea of not buying the present, baking the cookies, making the donation, or hosting the event incites panicked thoughts of what will they think?, I’ll look terrible, or they’ll judge me, you’re not giving freely. You’re paying a ransom, just like I did with the cookies.
The “nice guy” tax
You were likely taught as a child that being nice or accommodating is virtuous, but in a toxic dynamic, those qualities are actually a trauma response. The repeated patterning of that trauma response has made you an adult who’s an expert at “reading the room,” anticipating others’ needs, “fixing” others’ emotions, and “keeping the peace.”
Trauma-based giving, or being “nice,” isn’t a personality flaw. It is the biological fawn response. When your nervous system detects a threat, it bypasses fight, flight, and freeze and goes straight to fawn — the please-and-appease trauma response.
You become the “perfect” hostess, conversationalist, or provider.
The fawn response is only fleetingly protective. You survive the holiday, but you pay for it with your well-being. This is the nice-guy or nice-gal tax.
Strategic appeasement at play
Trauma-based giving is strategic appeasement. Think of it as, “I will over-give to you, so you will not hurt, abandon, or criticize me.”
But how do you define “over-giving?” It’s not a dollar limit or a specified amount of time. I define it as anything that takes from you, rather than energizing you. Giving is from your excess, be that time, energy, or money. Over-giving drains the time, energy, and/or money you need for your own well-being. It makes you angry when it’s wasted.
I find it’s easiest to recognize when you feel the other person doesn’t appreciate your gift or thank you properly. If the gift was given freely, you may feel disappointed; if it was a transaction or payment for your emotional safety, you’ll feel furious instead.
That rage or fury doesn’t mean you have anger issues or are a bad person. It’s because they broke the unspoken and unwritten rules. You paid for safety at the expense of your well-being, and they didn’t deliver.
Trust your gut
Fear and love are two opposite ends of the spectrum. They cannot coexist. So how do you know if you’re giving the perfect gift out of love or out of fear that your teenager will tell you off and call you a bad mother?
You listen to the wisdom of your body. Your body knows the difference between love and fear, long before your brain does.
When you give freely with love, you feel expansive. Your chest feels open, you’re able to breathe deeply, and you feel light. On the contrary, when you give based on old trauma patterns, your jaw feels tight, your breath is shallow, you want to rush to give the gift, then you hyper-scan for reactions, and finally, you judge if you succeeded.
Trauma-based giving is physically unpleasant and constricting. You’re in survival mode, even if you’re holding a gift card or a plate of cookies. If you’ve been trauma-based giving your entire life, this may feel entirely normal. You’ve known no different. Listening to the body objectively shows you the truth.
The greatest gift this holiday season
Demonstrating real love doesn’t require a transaction or giving to get safety. The most generous gift you can offer those you love is a regulated nervous system — one that prioritizes your well-being, then gives freely out of love.
This year, stop paying the ransom. The people who love you want you to be healthy and well. They don’t need or want your performance. And the ones who do want your performance are the ones you need to stop paying — they’re not delivering.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a trauma and rapid narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She helps soul-driven leaders transcend the past to create greater impact and fulfillment while they change the world. Download your FREE “Physician’s Guide to Holiday Dread” (The 7-Step Antidote) and find out more about working with Dr. Melissa on her website.
