Do you bat an eye when the roles are reversed?
Over the last decade, we’ve made monumental, even historic, strides toward celebrating relationships in all different shapes and forms: Gay marriage is legal, dating apps now offer options for non-monogamous or open relationships, and there’s more representation of LGBTQ couples in the media than ever before. But we still have a long road in front of us when it comes to embracing older women who date younger men, even though it’s a growing trend. According to a Singles in America survey, more than 80 percent of women say they’re interested in dating someone 10 years their junior. And nearly 90 percent of men are interested in dating someone 10 years their senior.
When a man couples up with a much younger woman (think George and Amal Clooney or Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones), society either shrugs its shoulders or gives him a hand. But recall how, in the early 2000s, when Demi Moore started dating Ashton Kutcher — who’s 15 years her junior — the media swiftly branded her a “cougar.” What was the male version of this inherently predatory term? There wasn’t one — and still isn’t.
This relationship double standard remains today, despite the trend of older women dating younger men making its way into the mainstream. (Even our very own Katie is married to Molner, who’s six years younger, if you want to be exact.) So why are so many, especially other women, quick to judge those who want to date younger pool men? Shouldn’t consenting adults, men or women, be free to love whoever they want? Isn’t age just a number?
Are age-gap relationships still taboo?
Relationship expert and best-selling author Susan Winter wrote a book about age-gap dating called Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance. She recalls the cruel judgment (and even hate mail) she received while dating a man 16 years her junior than her back in the nineties. “My boyfriend’s mother got people in my community to say I was a detriment to society,” says Winter. “I couldn’t buy eggs or food at my local grocery store because the cashiers were told I was a witch.”
More than 20 years later, Winter says age-gap relationships are still taboo. “We’re so used to cutting off women from the fullness of their power,” says Winter. “We’ve come so far, but we’ve got so much further to go. Until it’s not even a discussion or something we notice, we’re not there.”
Journalist and author Nancy Jo Sales was also subject to plenty of skepticism when she experienced her own version of age-gap love. Last year, Sales wrote a book called Nothing Personal: My Secret Life in the Dating App Inferno in which she recounts starting a relationship with a guy she met on Tinder while he was in his 20s and she was 50. In online reviews of her book, Sales says readers wrote comments like, “How dare she?” or “What does she think she’s doing?”
“On the one hand, there’s movement forward and more acceptance of older women dating younger men,” Sales says. “But there’s also still a huge amount of flat-out bias and prejudice against older women leading the lives that they want. I’ve encountered people who’ll be more accepting of gay marriage than a 57-year-old woman dating a 25-year-old guy. Why?”
Why does society still struggle to accept older women who date younger men? Who’s most judgemental about these relationships? And what are the benefits of dating younger men?
Why women are the quickest to judge other women for dating younger men
Twenty years ago, when cougars entered the cultural discourse, some people thought they were “dirty” or “wrong,” says Winter. “She’s a manipulator. He’s an opportunist. She’s paying him. They never saw it as being love,” says Winter. “Women were very harsh critics of other women. Now we’ve evolved enough as a society to understand that there are many different valid aspects of love.” But women today can still be quick to raise their eyebrows at other women for dipping their toes into a younger dating pool. “I don’t feel the judgment comes from anything other than being jealous and threatened.”
Those who criticize older women for dating younger men often disregard the idea that there are younger men who prefer to date older women. In fact, 61 percent of single Americans over the age of 28 are interested in or have already dated someone at least 10 years older than them, according to a Pew Research study.
“Women start talking about their sons like we’re coming out to get them,” says Sales. “It’s really weird — they get very defensive about it.” She thinks that judgment is fueled by certain political and cultural values. “People who generally think that women should have sexual liberation have a very positive view of this, and people who don’t, don’t.”
Why women sometimes judge themselves for dating younger
Women who do date younger often criticize and question themselves, too, says Winter. “Why would he want me? My body’s older. I have wrinkles. What if I don’t look good naked? What if he looks at me one day and thinks, Why am I not with somebody younger?” says Winter. “God forbid a woman age. Then you can’t be sexual or you’re not desirable. But younger guys don’t have a problem being with an older woman. People assume it’s for sex, but they never assume that maybe I could be loved.”
Why younger men want to date older women
The trope of “the older seductress” has been around for thousands of years, and men are still fascinated by older women. “An older woman knows what she wants, how to express her needs and expectations, and she’s got too much going on to be toying with you,” says Winter. “Certain younger men admire strength, power, and authority. They’re not in competition with it.”
Porn, especially the rise of older woman-focused “MILF” content, is also an influencing factor. “A lot of younger men have grown up with MILF porn. I’m not saying it’s a good thing — I’m very critical of how the porn industry affects society — but I think that also plays into it. There are a lot of fantasies about the older woman,” says Sales. In the end, it’s all about choice. “It’s about what makes people happy and where they find love and connection,” says Sales. “If there was a 50-year-old man who I found attractive and wanted to date me, I’d date him.”
Why women sometimes gravitate toward younger men
Dating without an age requirement simply gives you more opportunities to find love. When Sales first joined Tinder, she filtered her settings to choose from a younger set of men than her. Why? “I wanted to have fun and I had more opportunities in the younger crowd than I did with guys my age,” says Sales. “Once you get into your 40s, 50s, and 60s, dating is super hard for women because on top of the sexism, you have ageism.”
Winter, who coaches clients on relationships, says she’s seeing women anxious to lower their online-dating age filter because they’re not finding luck with the men their age. “You’ve had your divorce, your husband left you for somebody half your age, you go online to date, and women are looking at men their age and going, Ew, I can’t sleep with that,” says Winter. “They’re thinking: I take care of myself, go to the gym, and meditate. He wants to tell me what to do, and control me.” Winter says older women typically have their own money and don’t need someone to sweep them off their feet to fancy dinners and exotic trips. “We’ve been there, done that. We’re women of our own power.”
Is there an ego boost to being desired by a younger man? “Hell yes, of course,” says Sales. But partnering up comes down ultimately to what appeals to each person. “Everybody who dates anybody dates them in part because they find them attractive. And if what you find attractive is someone who’s 30 instead of 50, I really don’t see the problem.”
The pitfalls of dating younger
It’s helpful to be on the same page with your partner about where your relationship is heading, no matter what age you are. With large age gaps, values — like whether or not you want to get married or remarried, or want to have children — aren’t always aligned. For that reason, Sales says it’s important to accept that a relationship with a sizable age gap might be temporary. “You really have to accept that if you date a younger man, variables that could crop up are very significant.”
It’s also important to prepare responses ahead of time if someone does question your relationship — something Winter says is inevitable. What if a girl your boyfriend’s age asks if you’re his mother? “You might say, Oh no, his mother’s much younger,” says Winter. “You will be judged. Have phrases prepared, keep them in your back pocket, and be ready to use them because you’ll have to.”
Is it OK to still call women “cougars”?
“That term’s just a way of putting women down,” says Sales. “There are women who embrace it, and try and flip the script to make it a sexy thing or a good thing. Whatever makes you feel empowered is fine with me. But I do think it’s inherently misogynistic to call a woman who wants to date younger a very dangerous animal.”
Why age-gap dating should become more accepted for women and men
“Within reason, I don’t think anybody should tell other people what to do in the realm of dating, romance, or sex,” says Sales. “No matter what gender or sexual orientation, you should do whatever you want, as long as there are two consenting adults involved.”
And while the trend of women dating younger is on the rise, it’s not a full-steam-ahead movement just yet. Still, Sales says the trend is a net positive for women. “Anytime women can do more of what they want, when they want, and with whom they want, it’s good for all women. And if that means dating somebody who’s 25 when you’re 50, I say good for you,” says Sales. “If he’s happy about it, and you’re happy about it, then what’s the problem?”
