We’ve all flaked before — but it might reveal something deeper.
There’s a very good chance you’ve had to cancel plans at some point, whether you accidentally double-booked yourself, experienced a last-minute illness or other emergency, or you just… weren’t feeling it. And while having to bail on a friend, colleague, or loved one can bring about feelings of guilt or anxiety, can we be honest and say that sometimes it also just feels really good? Canceling a commitment can produce a rush of relief, which doesn’t make you a bad person — but it might reveal something about yourself and your friendships.
If you’ve ever experienced the endorphin rush of canceled plans, you’re not alone. There are countless memes poking fun at how plans can sound so fun when you make them, but so painful when you have to actually show up. But, to put on my Carrie Bradshaw hat for a second, I couldn’t help but wonder: Has sticking to commitments always felt like pulling teeth, and now we’re just more open about it? Or has something changed within the last few years (perhaps something that starts with the letter “P”) that’s made it harder to hold our commitments? We spoke to experts about why it’s become difficult to keep plans, and how to back out of them the right way.
Why do we cancel plans?
Anyone who’s canceled a dinner date only to spend the evening on their couch knows that an emergency isn’t the only cause of canceled plans.
“Sometimes a cancellation comes from a place of burnout,” Miriam Kirmayer, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and friendship expert, tells Katie Couric Media. “Maintaining our friendships and investing in our relationships does require a significant amount of energy. So sometimes that sense of relief that we might feel can be an indicator that we’re stretching ourselves too thin and we need to prioritize our need for alone time or rest in order to be able to connect more meaningfully with the people around us.” Any introverts reading this probably know that feeling of social burnout all too well, but anyone can become overwhelmed by too many obligations.
At other times, we want to cancel plans simply because we changed our minds. “Sometimes we’re excited to see a friend in the morning but by the afternoon, our mood and energy levels have changed,” says Laura Sniderman, founder and CEO of Kinnd, a platform that helps people make friends. “Because of this, we might want to cancel plans and spend our evening in bed watching Netflix or reading a good book.” Been there.
But perhaps the most relief comes from canceling plans we never really wanted to make in the first place. Maybe you ran into an acquaintance on the street and made brunch plans on a whim. Then, the day of the brunch rolls around, and you’re dreading it but locked in a one-way game of chicken as the time approaches, hoping the other person will call it off. “Sometimes we make plans because we think we should, but internally we’re not actually committed to them,” Sniderman says. If that’s the case, “You should be more cognizant about making plans that you actually want to stick to.”
Has the pandemic made it harder to keep plans?
It goes without saying that the pandemic impacted our social lives, so it’s not a surprise that it’s also had an effect on our ability to make and keep plans. Most people’s social lives have slowed down significantly over the last three years — I personally went from participating in three intramural sports leagues simultaneously, to having to make a concerted effort to go outside at all. And apparently I wasn’t the only one. “For a lot of people, slowing down was a good thing,” says Sniderman. “They realized that their full calendar before the pandemic was not making them happier, it was just making them busier. Now that the world has opened up, many of those people are struggling to make and keep social commitments because of a newfound love of alone or at-home time!” Hear, hear.
On top of that, “I think a lot of people are also just out of practice,” Sniderman says. Both she and Dr. Kirmayer agree that maintaining our relationships takes effort — as does putting on pants and getting out of the house. We aren’t used to the energy required to relocate to a place to see someone, and that can increase the desire to just not do it at all.
Why does making plans cause anxiety?
There are a number of reasons you might feel apprehensive about social engagements. Some people suffer from social anxiety disorder, a type of anxiety disorder that the National Institute of Mental Health describes as “an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others.” That said, feeling apprehensive or nervous leading up to a gathering doesn’t necessarily mean you have social anxiety disorder — many of us experience feelings of anxiety from time to time. But if you’ve been feeling nervous about going out and socializing, you’re not alone.
“Research is showing that a lot of people are experiencing social anxiety for the first time post-pandemic,” says Sniderman. “Because we’re out of practice when it comes to socializing, the experience of being social can feel new again. This can lead to feelings of discomfort in social situations; fears of being judged; and physical symptoms like increased heart rate, sweating, or nausea. Because of this, a lot more people are avoiding social outings.”
When feelings of anxiety about a social commitment arise, it becomes very tempting to bail. “Deciding to cancel plans may alleviate those worries, which can feel temporarily relieving,” Sniderman says. “This, however, will not solve the underlying worries related to the friendship” or socializing in general.
Dr. Kirmayer agrees that avoiding situations that stress us out only offers short-term relief and may actually be worse for us in the long run. Because of the pandemic, “We’ve all been very much in a forced state of avoidance, where we haven’t been able to do things,” she says. “So we’re seeing these increasing levels of anxiety, which then makes it harder to put ourselves out there, and we get trapped in this vicious cycle.” In other words, the more you avoid something, the harder it becomes to actually follow through — and not following through can produce feelings of anxiety.
How can you tell if you’re stretching yourself too thin?
If you suspect you’re burnt out from socializing, Dr. Kirmayer says that it’s time to engage in some honest and nonjudgmental self-reflection. Think hard and see if you can notice any patterns. For instance, are you regularly feeling anxiety about meeting up with a certain friend, hanging out at a certain time of the day or the week, or doing a specific activity? Maybe those patterns are trying to tell you something, either about the ways you’re choosing to connect or about your friendships.
The important thing, though, is to approach your reflection with kindness to yourself. Dr. Kirmayer sees it all the time: “We turn down plans because we feel too anxious or we feel so burnt out, and then we judge ourselves for doing so. ‘Oh, I’m a terrible friend. I’m a terrible person. Oh, these people are going to judge me. They’re not going to like me anymore.’ That type of self-talk is incredibly demoralizing and does very little for helping us to connect next time or to take that step of putting ourselves in a potentially uncomfortable situation that we really ultimately want.”
What’s the right way to cancel plans?
Many of us are in the habit, when we back out of a commitment, of trying to compose the perfect excuse that lets us off the hook completely, and maybe even garners a little bit of sympathy. It’s normal — Dr. Kirmayer says, “When we have an external reason for canceling plans (‘I have to take my kid to the doctor, I’m sick’), people are very understanding of that.” Meanwhile, we assume that our internal reasons are less valid and will be judged. But it’s not necessary to go through the whole song and dance of making up an external excuse, especially when trusted friends are concerned. “In a healthy friendship, you should be able to set those boundaries and say, ‘You know what, today just doesn’t work for me in the way that I thought it would.” She adds that, to minimize any hurt feelings, the key is “letting a friend know that it’s more about you than it is your desire to connect with them.”
And when it comes to those times when you feel ambushed by plans you can’t say no to, Dr. Kirmayer recommends “having certain phrases or strategies going into a social situation” so you’re not left stammering when someone you haven’t spoken to in years proposes a coffee date. Something like, “Now’s really not a good time for me, but I look forward to catching up at the next event” would work. What you want to avoid is saying yes out of pressure, only to have to backpedal later.
The good news is that there are more ways to catch up with our friends than ever, even if that just means sharing memes about the sweet, sweet relief of staying home. But with the proliferation of FaceTime and Zoom calls, plus apps like Kinnd to help find new friends, you don’t have to meet in person to combat loneliness. That’s one of the upsides of the pandemic: It certainly brought new challenges, but, says Dr. Kirmayer, “It also necessitated a certain level of initiative and creativity at coming up with new ways to connect.”
