We know that getting back into dating after a breakup — or after years of not being in the game — can feel complicated. That’s why we’ve partnered with Francesca Hogi, a love coach and relationship expert who helps people navigate the ups and downs of modern dating with clarity and confidence. In this ongoing series, she’s answering reader questions about love, intimacy, and connection at every stage of life.
This week, a reader confessed: “I thought I was ready to date again, but every time I get close to someone, I pull away. What’s going on?”
Here’s what Francesca had to say:
First of all, congratulations on having the self-awareness to recognize your own confusing behavior. Without that awareness, it’s easy to get stuck in a loop of blocking the love you want and mistaking it for destiny. Pulling away when things get too vulnerable is a common relationship pattern because vulnerability is scary. Romantic relationships trigger our deepest wounds and insecurities, and so it’s easy to reflexively pull away, or lose interest, or even ghost someone when things get too real.
That’s the short answer, but there’s more to consider. Whether this is a years-long pattern or a new occurrence is relevant to the advice I have for you. If you and I were having this conversation in person, I would ask you the following two questions:
#1 What are you ready for?
There is no one-size-fits-all definition of “readiness” because different people have different relationship goals at a given time. But a starting point to reflect on is: What do I want my love life to look like three months from now?
Love is a lifelong journey, and we each have different seasons and lessons to learn at different times. If you’re still healing from the ending of your last relationship, it could be that you aren’t quite ready for a deep commitment just yet. And if that’s the case, communicate that to the people you’re dating and release yourself from the pressure of committing too soon. Maybe you need to take things extra slow and build a stronger sense of emotional safety before opening up. By communicating that, you’ll get a better sense of whether or not you’re on the same page with the people you’re meeting and if they have the patience to let things unfold at a slower pace. Keep checking in with yourself to see if things have changed.
#2 What is the downside of getting the relationship you want?
This might sound like a strange question, but it’s an important one. If you’re ready for more intimacy and vulnerability, you’ll benefit from looking more closely at what’s holding you back. When there’s a disconnect between what you want and what you’re allowing yourself to experience, it’s safe to say that there are some fearful stories lurking under the surface. You don’t have to worry about eradicating or even overcoming fear to have the love you want (thankfully!). But you do have to shine a light on what’s stopping you so you can choose to take loving action in spite of fear.
For example, if you have a fear of choosing the wrong person, that’s an opportunity to cultivate self-trust and discernment. Where have you had blind spots in the past? Are you willing to be honest with yourself going forward about any red flags you typically ignore? Can you forgive yourself and others for any past mistakes? It’s an act of self-love to face fear, so make sure you give yourself credit for your bravery.
Lastly, I encourage you to practice what I call “self-compassionate curiosity,” which simply means observing your own behavior without judgment. In those moments when you feel yourself shutting down, try taking a few deep breaths and interrupt any disempowering thoughts that might come up. That’s how you expand your capacity for connection from the inside out.
