Once upon a time, a woman’s happy ending came with a diamond and a new last name. Today, it might come in the form of a court document — finalizing the end of a marriage that no longer serves her.
For many men, though, the letter doesn’t feel like freedom. It feels like failure. They want to hold on — sometimes at all costs. Nearly 70 percent of divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women. And according to a new Harris Poll* commissioned by My Next Chapter, a new membership platform for people going through all stages of divorce, nearly one in four men say they’d stay with a cheating partner to avoid divorce, compared to only 13 percent of women. Why are men so dedicated to the status quo?
For much of U.S. history, marriage gave men structure and women identity. A man’s role was framed around duty and stability, while emotional fulfillment was an afterthought. Think of Homer Simpson — clueless but somehow lovable — whose role as a husband hinged less on emotional connection and more on simply showing up. Historically, women were expected to build their entire lives around their role as wife and mother. Marriage wasn’t just a milestone to reach; it was the whole map.
That map started changing in the 1960s and ’70s, with the rise of the women’s movement, no-fault divorce laws, and growing attention to emotional well-being. As women gained independence and choice, marriage became less of a defining identity, while men, often unconsciously, began to lean on it for emotional structure and a sense of stability.
As Boston-based therapist and author Terrence Real notes, “Men are taught to define themselves through what they provide and protect, not what they feel or need.” So when a relationship ends, men may not only grieve the loss of a wife — they grieve the loss of the role they thought gave them purpose.
Men and women often approach the end of a marriage from vastly different vantage points, with many men viewing divorce as an unraveling of self. Nearly half the men in the My Next Chapter/Harris Poll say they see divorce as a sign of failure — compared to just 29 percent of women. And more men than women say they won’t consider divorce unless they’re confident someone else is waiting on the other side.
“I was okay in my marriage — not happy, not miserable,” says Dave, 49, a lawyer in LA. “But I would never have gotten divorced if she hadn’t initiated it. I was so reliant on my ex emotionally and socially. I also felt responsible because she had done so much for me.”
Attitudes like this hint at something deeper than just personal preference — they reflect evolving social conditioning. Historically, men have been taught to establish their value through their steadfastness, as well as the security and necessities they provide. But in recent generations, walking away from a marriage can feel, for many, not just like the end of a relationship but a collapse of identity. Research on attachment theory at the University of Michigan suggests that men are more likely to rely on their romantic partner as their primary or sole source of emotional support. In contrast, women tend to cultivate broader social networks and are more emotionally literate in navigating change and growth.
“When she asked for a divorce,” Dave explains, “I was heartbroken and scared. But I slowly got used to it all, and now I am happy and have no regrets. I still miss her and the family at times, but there’s so much good…. I have a whole new group of friends, and I’m closer to my kids.”
As more and more people talk openly about vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and mental health, more men are starting to question outdated ideas about strength and success. Shows like Shrinking and The Bear depict emotionally complex male characters navigating grief, purpose, and growth with humor, heart, and very real messiness. Even HBO’s Divorce, though centrally a woman’s story, subtly explores how men redefine themselves when their roles gradually or suddenly shift. And in Your Friends & Neighbors, Apple TV’s new hit in which Jon Hamm is suddenly divorced and jobless, suburban dynamics are tested and transformed, as characters confront emotional truths that once would’ve gone unspoken.
These stories aren’t just onscreen. Younger generations of men are increasingly seeking therapy, expressing emotional needs, and pursuing relationships rooted in mutual care. Divorce, then, doesn’t have to be a collapse — it can be a catalyst. Less about endings, more about evolution. Less about failure, more about redefinition.
So what should men do now — especially those stuck in unhappy marriages or paralyzed by the fear of failure when their wives bring up divorce? They can take cues from women who no longer see staying as the only way to succeed. Instead of clinging to the question, “What will I do without the structure I’ve always relied on?”, it’s time to ask the deeper, more liberating one: “Who am I, and what kind of life do I want to build now?”
Tamara Frankfort Odinec is the founder of My Next Chapter, an expert-led community platform for people going through every stage of divorce. She lives in New York City with her three kids and is happily divorced.
* This survey was conducted online within the United States by The Harris Poll on behalf of My Next Chapter from April 15 – 17, 2025 among 2,075 adults ages 18 and older. The sampling precision of Harris online polls is measured by using a Bayesian credible interval. For this study, the sample data is accurate to within +/- 2.5 percentage points using a 95% confidence level.
