And what to say instead.
Fighting with a spouse or romantic partner is never a good feeling. At best, those uncomfortable conversations can leave us feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and hurt. At worst, they can result in permanent damage to a relationship. And while it’s pretty much impossible to avoid fights with your partner, there are tactics you can implement to help ensure these fights aren’t traumatizing.
Disagreements in a relationship are inevitable, but ideally you can find a way to have healthy, productive confrontations with your partner. What you say during a fight can take it from a healthy dispute to a damaging event. We spoke to an expert about what not to say when fighting with a loved one to ensure that your next argument ends with both you and your partner feeling supported and heard.
Anna Aslanian, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and director of My Therapy Corner, has five quick pieces of advice on what not to say when fighting with your spouse or partner.
What Not to Say When Fighting With Your Spouse
1. Negative labels and names
When you’re arguing with a partner, it can be all too easy to resort to name-calling, or using negative labels that imply that your partner isn’t as aware, intelligent, or caring as you are. But you should really avoid that impulse.
“Name-calling and negative labels show criticism and contempt,” Aslanian says. “They attack the character of your loved one, make them feel bad about themselves and send the message that you are better than them. Connection and intimacy cannot happen when one feels put down like that.”
When you feel the impulse to name-call, Aslanian suggests that you focus on what’s causing that urge and be clear about your own feelings and needs instead. “You will have a better chance of being heard if you do that,” she says.
2. Assumptions
In the middle of an argument, you might find yourself making broad assumptions about where your partner is coming from or how they’re feeling in the moment. But that’s nowhere near as productive as you may think, even if you’re pretty certain your assumptions are correct.
“We often assume we know why someone said or did XYZ, but the truth is we’re not mind readers,” Aslanian says. “Taking your assumptions as facts is dangerous because it changes your attitude toward the person and even your behavior. You may be right or you may be wrong.”
To make sure you’re responding appropriately, Aslanian suggests you ask your partner a question instead: “The story I’m telling myself is that this is what’s going on — am I correct?”
That way, your loved one gets the opportunity to tell you if your perception is correct, or if something entirely different is taking place from their perspective.
3. Defensive statements
If your partner starts doing anything listed above, like name-calling or taking your perspective for granted, try not to let yourself become guarded and defensive.
“It’s difficult not to want to blame back, attack, or explain yourself when you feel that someone is criticizing you or accusing you of something you didn’t mean to do,” Aslanian says. “Resist doing that, though. All of it is defensiveness and doesn’t go well in conflict discussion.”
Instead of becoming defensive, consider viewing your partner’s words as more information. Aslanian says, “Can you see what you’re doing that bothers them, even if you can only see 10 percent of it? Validating even a portion of it and taking responsibility for your part will ensure a better discussion.”
4. “I’m fine,” if you’re not
When an uncomfortable, emotionally charged conversation drags on and on, you may feel a tendency to end the conversation by telling your partner that your emotions have changed and you feel better, even if that’s untrue. It might seem like this makes you the “bigger person,” since it’s a strategy to end a confrontation — but it’s going to come back to bite you later.
“Saying you’re fine when you’re not is passive-aggressive communication,” Aslanian says. “What’s more empowering is clearly stating what hurt you and what you need now.”
For example, you could use this framework: “I feel hurt when [X] happens. I need you to please do [Y] for me next time.”
By communicating this way, you’re opening up an opportunity for your partner to understand exactly how you’re feeling. Even more importantly, by explicitly stating what you need in the future, you’re giving your partner a chance to confirm whether or not they can do this for you, and to explain their reasoning if not. Your chances of positive change automatically increase.
If you’re too upset to consider any of this, don’t say anything
If you’re in the middle of an argument and you’re too upset to stop yourself from name-calling, or you find yourself becoming defensive and making assumptions, then it’s time to take a pause completely.
“It’s helpful to take a break when we’re upset and emotional,” Aslanian notes. “Use at least 20 minutes to breathe, go on a walk, meditate, move your body, journal, etc. — anything that gets your mind off what you’re upset about, so you can resume the conversation when calm. Only then can productive conversations happen.”
It’s totally acceptable to pause a conversation by telling your partner that you’re too upset to talk and you want to take some time to calm down. That way, you and your partner are creating a dynamic in which there is always space to take a breath — before someone says something they can’t take back.
