Is Your Partner Microcheating?

Relationships can be hard to navigate because they’re not always black and white. You may think you’re in a stable, happy couple, and then the next thing you know, you see your significant other liking someone else’s social media posts or texting their ex, making you uneasy — or even question your partnership. But do these subtle actions really count as cheating? 

Some critics argue that they do, and they’ve coined a brand-new term to describe these seemingly minor lapses in judgment: Microcheating. The word is broadly used to describe any inappropriate behaviors outside of a relationship that border on infidelity. These can range from exchanging flirty messages with a coworker or not shutting down your dating profile after you’ve entered a committed relationship. 

While these slights may seem trivial, experts say they can add up to something disastrous. “Microcheating can be so destructive because it slowly erodes the integrity and quality of the relationship,” says social scientist Ty Tashiro, Ph.D. 

These small infractions are usually more vaguely defined than straightforward physical infidelity like kissing or sleeping with someone else. (Does a too-close conversation at a party constitute microcheating?) Plus, what counts as microcheating is different for every couple, depending on how they characterize fidelity. 

To cut through some of the murkiness of this topic, we turned to experts to help us make sense of these mini betrayals, and how to best handle them in our own relationships. 

What is microcheating?

You may be thinking, Isn’t microcheating just the latest buzzword to describe having a wandering eye? Well, a lot depends on how often the eye wanders, and if it lingers. 

A study from Florida State University examined how newlywed couples reacted to photos of other potential romantic interests. Researchers found that those who quickly looked away were nearly 50 percent less likely to have sex outside of marriage, and those who took longer to turn away had a higher risk of not only infidelity, but also of their marriage failing. 

Tashiro says these findings point to a core value of healthy couples — they actively avoid potentially compromising situations, however minor. (This could include not meeting up with that attractive old friend for lunch or drinks alone.) “If you look at healthy couples, they’re not just reactive to infidelity situations,” he says, “they’re actually proactive at protecting the relationship by avoiding compromising circumstances or behaviors.”

But social media has made it complicated to stay out of potentially sticky situations, because it makes cheating both easier and more discreet. For example, people can use Facebook or even dating apps like Tinder to find a new love interest, or carry on affairs without their partner knowing. The 24/7 access to a wide world of strangers and exes raises other uncomfortable questions, too — for example, is following random attractive men or women on Instagram considered cheating? “Social media provides an easy outlet for microcheating,” Tashiro says. “And it also provides a battleground for couples when it comes to jealousy versus privacy.”

Is microcheating actually cheating?

What counts as cheating in any relationship depends on the type of agreement those two people have about exclusivity. For instance, while some may think innocent flirting with others is OK, others would call that straight-up infidelity. 

That’s why experts believe each person’s definition of cheating is influenced by several factors, including the way they were raised and their previous dating history.

“A partner’s past relationship experiences — either in their family of origin or in their previous romantic relationships — can certainly influence what they perceive as cheating behavior,” says Tashiro. “Even if someone’s not insecure or overly jealous, there might be a couple of things that are really triggering for them, so it’s important to be sensitive to the histories that all of us have.”

How do you know whether you or your partner has microcheated? The number one sign of microcheating is prioritizing someone else — and their feelings, approval, or attention — over your partner. It could also look like a partner deliberately hiding things from you, such as deleting a text conversation.

If you’re still unclear on whether microcheating could pose a problem, then you might want to look at your partner’s past: According to a 2018 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, people who cheated in a previous relationship were three times more likely to cheat again in another relationship.

Still, some experts believe defining a betrayal is less about the particular behavior and more about someone’s intentions. “Is the intention to seek out validation from someone else?” asks sex coach Gigi Engle. “If they’re just looking to flirt or feel sexy, that could be a concerning motivation.”

How should a couple deal with microcheating?

As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy: Be open and direct with your partner, while also avoiding being accusatory. That means asking questions about certain behaviors, but coming from a place of curiosity.

“When we choose to point the finger of blame at someone else, we’re really giving away our power and our ability to respond effectively in those situations,” says psychotherapist Jourdan Travers.

That said, microcheating doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed — in fact, identifying it could be an opportunity for growth and the chance to set much-needed boundaries. “Hard conversations aren’t one and done,” Travers tells us. “We often have the same hard conversation over and over again, depending on the context or what’s going on at that moment.”

If your partner doesn’t own up to behaviors you find worrisome, you need to stand up for yourself and stay true to what you find acceptable. After all, if they don’t value and respect your feelings, they might not be the one for you.

“At the end of the day, if you really don’t feel like you can trust your partner,” says Engle, “that might be an indication that you should reevaluate whether or not this is a relationship you want to be in.”