We’ve teamed up with love coach and relationship expert Francesca Hogi to answer readers’ real questions about dating and finding love at every stage of life. This week’s dilemma is one that comes up often when it comes to dating:
How do you know if you’re being too picky — or just having standards?
Francesca weighs in:
Here’s how to tell the difference between pickiness and standards. Write down “the list” of all of your criteria. Don’t hold back — put everything you’re looking for. Once you have the list, for each item ask yourself: How does this impact my relationship with my future partner? Then notice how much of your list is based on appearances versus character, values, or relationship goals. “Pickiness” usually comes from being more focused on the other person’s traits than on the relationship dynamics you’ll co-create together.
Think of it like house-hunting. You probably have a vision for what you want: the size, the number of rooms, the neighborhood. But you’d also care about what it actually feels like to live inside that house — waking up there every morning, spending time with loved ones, making it your own. That lived-in reality matters more than curb appeal, yet it often gets overlooked. Relationships work the same way: People can look great “on paper,” but what goes on behind closed doors is what really determines your happiness.
When I became a matchmaker 13 years ago, I learned quickly that the pickiest clients were often the ones who had given the least thought to how they wanted to feel in a relationship. What I’ve discovered is that true standards come down to a few non-negotiables:
• Being treated with respect and consideration
• Alignment in character and values
• Agreement on relationship goals
• Mutual effort to get to know each other and move the relationship forward
To that list, I’ll add one more: chemistry. But here’s the nuance — if one of your standards is “instant chemistry,” it’s worth reflecting on your patterns. Chemistry doesn’t just happen; we’re co-creators of it, consciously or not. Instant sparks can feel exciting, but they’re an unreliable indicator of long-term compatibility. If you embrace your own ability to create chemistry — through intention, connection, and yes, a little flirting — you’ll open yourself up to far more romantic possibilities.
Finally, approach this whole question with self-compassionate curiosity. Ask yourself: Are my standards narrowing or expanding my confidence in finding love? You’re allowed to have preferences, of course, but be honest about whether those preferences are overshadowing your deeper needs. If your list has become so restrictive that meeting someone great feels nearly impossible, it may be time to re-prioritize.
Remember: Standards should empower you, not box you in.
