Research-backed advice from a relationship expert with decades of experience.
If you’ve ever done any research on what makes a solid relationship, chances are high you’ve already been exposed to the insights of John Gottman. Along with his wife, Julie, he co-founded The Gottman Institute, an incredible resource for any couple seeking to better understand how each person’s behavior (both as individuals and as a duo) affects the health of their union.
Using his decades of experience in this field, Gottman has previously shared with us the warning signs that you’re headed for divorce — and in his latest essay for our weekly wellness newsletter, Body and Soul (which you can subscribe to right here), he explains how to avoid that fate and save your marriage. Read on for his research-backed advice about how to make your partnership the best it can be.
How can you make your marriage better?
The “honeymoon phase” in any committed relationship is not meant to last — eventually it becomes obvious that sharing a life with another person requires a special set of skills. Many couples start to come apart seven years after the wedding because our culture doesn’t teach us how to maintain and strengthen our emotional bonds. That’s where The Gottman Institute comes in.
The seven ideas below, drawn from four decades of real science, will make your love last a lifetime.
1. Seek help early
The average couple waits six years before seeking help for relationship problems. And keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long. If you feel there’s any sign of trouble in your marriage early on, seek help.
2. Edit yourself
The most successful couples are kind to each other. They avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics, and they will find ways to express their needs and concerns respectfully without criticizing or blaming their partner.
3. Soften your “start up”
Arguments often “start up” because one partner escalates the conflict by making a critical or contemptuous remark. Bringing up problems gently without blame works much better, and it allows couples to calmly engage in conflict.
For more on how to manage arguments in a marriage without going overboard, check out the Gottmans’ interview with Katie Couric Media about how to fight the right way in relationships.
4. Accept influence from your partner
In studying heterosexual marriages, we found that a relationship succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. For instance, a woman might say to her husband, “Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready.” He replies, “My plans are set, and I’m not changing them.” As you might guess, this guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows that women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men. A true partnership only occurs when a husband can do the same thing.
5. Have high standards
Happy couples have high standards for each other. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. Low levels of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship equals a happier couple down the road.
6. Learn to repair and exit the argument
Happy couples have learned how to exit an argument, or how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Examples of repair attempts include using humor; offering a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“We’ll tackle this problem together”); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you often have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and their feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
7. Focus on the positives
In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, a happy couple will say “we laugh a lot” instead of “we never have any fun.” A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity, including regular deposits to your emotional bank accounts.
Want more must-read insights into what makes relationships work? Go deeper into your psychological toolbox with all of The Gottman Institute’s fabulous resources, and sign up here for Body and Soul, Katie Couric Media’s weekly wellness newsletter.
