When erectile dysfunction gets you…down, this sex therapist has tips to stay in the mood.
When it comes to matters in the bedroom, there are few topics as intimate, complex, and delicate as navigating challenges posed by erectile dysfunction (ED). If you and your partner find yourselves facing this all-too-common condition (30 million men in the U.S. have ED), then you know that it’s not just a male problem: It’s a couple’s issue that necessitates joint problem-solving.
“Erectile dysfunction doesn’t just happen to the person with the penis. It also happens to the person who’s interacting with the person going through it,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist. “Depending on how prevalent ED is and how long it lasts, it can change options of sexual connection, sex acts, and pleasure. There’s a lot to navigate emotionally.”
Erectile dysfunction doesn’t just happen to the person with the penis. It also happens to the person who’s *interacting* with the person going through it.
Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist
A 2022 Hims & Hers Sex Report that surveyed over 5,200 American men and women about the reality of their sex lives found that 66 percent of men experienced at least one form of sexual dysfunction (including ED, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety, and low sex drive) in the past year. In the same survey, 40 percent of women over 45 want to be having more sex. We’ll do the math for you: Women want a fruitful sex life, and it’s more common than not for men to grapple with sexual dysfunction, so it’s time to get creative and find solutions that please and appease both partners.
The path to rekindling intimacy may seem uncertain and overwhelming if your partner has ED, but there are plenty of expert-approved ways for couples to rediscover the sparks of connection, and reclaim fulfillment and passion between the sheets.
How to Improve Your Sex Life When Your Partner Has Erectile Dysfunction
For spouses or partners of someone grappling with ED, you might start out by feeling empathy or concern. But that can quickly spiral into frustration, anger, and insecurity if you don’t address any changes (and your sexual needs) head-on.
“We’ve made an erect penis have a value and a function in our society, so when it’s not working, we try to assign a reason for it,” says Dr. Hauser. “And typically, [the partner assumes] that something’s wrong with us, or we’re not desired anymore. That’s why it’s important to take control of that narrative and realize that’s a rare truth, and not what’s actually happening.”
Own your truth
It takes two to tango, and that rule applies when you’re dealing with ED in your relationship. Remind your partner that it’s a change you’re experiencing together, or else you can be left feeling resentful or invisible.
“You want to problem-solve together and co-create options, otherwise it can separate you as a couple,” says Dr. Hauser. “Instead of privatizing your individual experiences around shame, frustration, blame, or not feeling heard, you need to become team-oriented. Validate that this is happening to you, too, and your feelings and needs matter as much as the person going through ED.”
Talk about the issue outside the bedroom
It’s best to problem-solve outside of a sexual romp. Because in the heat of the moment, when things aren’t “working” as usual, you might accidentally blurt out something hurtful.
“If you’ve shown anger or frustration, then when you get back to a normal situation, you could say, ‘I’d like to redo this. I’m not taking away that I’m feeling frustrated about this, because I am, but I’d rather approach it differently,’” says Dr. Hauser.
Instead, set the stage for a productive chat by giving your partner a heads-up that you want to discuss the situation. “I often recommend that you’re not just sitting and staring at each other having this conversation,” says Dr. Hauser. She suggests making sure any kids aren’t around and instead talking during a car ride, or a shared activity, like cooking or gardening.
It’s a sensitive topic, so keep it short, sweet, and direct. “It’s helpful to have just a couple of points you want to make,” says Dr. Hauser. “For most people, this is a really hard conversation, so hit the highlights and don’t turn this into a two-hour conversation.”
Embrace the playful side of sexuality
When it comes to the quirks and complexities of sex, maintaining a lighthearted tone can make a world of difference. “A lot of times the person who’s having dysfunction feels responsible, broken, or lesser than, so if you can find some lightness in it, it can really help your person feel like ED isn’t ruining everything,” explains Dr. Hauser. “Adding humor into the situation is a fantastic thing, but it has to be with the mindset that sex is wild and weird, messy, and interesting — instead of jokes that have a bite to them that really aren’t funny.”
Redefine what pleasure feels like
“There are so many sex acts that don’t involve penetrative sex or a penis working all the time,” says Dr. Hauser. “If you start expanding on what those are for you, and think of them as wonderful parts of your life, instead of ‘This is lesser than what I define as sex,’ it can help normalize the experience and expand your view of what sexual connection and pleasure can be.”
“Mutual masturbation is something that a lot of couples really like. Everyone’s responsible for their own pleasure, but they’re experiencing it around each other and they can feed off of each other,” says Dr. Hauser.
Even if what once brought you pleasure has changed, speaking up about what else feels good can help. “If you’re feeling genuine pleasure in different ways besides penetrative sex, explain that to your partner. Even if you hope you can get back to [penetration], it can make a difference to let them know that it still feels wonderful to mutually masturbate, to caress and cuddle each other, or to have oral sex.”
Focus on your senses
Another way to boost intimacy is to focus on what ignites your senses. “I like to help couples expand their pleasure by having them explore what their ‘yucks’ and ‘yums’ are,” says Dr. Hauser. “What music makes you feel ‘alive’ inside, or sexy? Do you like hearing your partner moan or do you prefer silence? Do you like to smell candles, perfume, cologne, or your partner’s natural odor? Once you start exploring, that attitude of curiosity can change your mindset from ‘Our sex is a failure,’ to focusing on what does work and helps you feel good.”
Trust that things will change
When it comes to treating ED, there are several effective solutions available to help restore confidence and intimacy. From the commonly prescribed little blue pill (read: Viagra), to more technical solutions like penile implants, living with ED doesn’t have to be a death sentence for a satisfying sex life.
Hims, a modern healthcare company, is on a mission to provide access to treatments for common conditions like ED. If you or your partner is looking for a prescription-strength helper, their quick online intake form can connect you with a healthcare provider to help you find which solution may be right for you — all from the comfort of your own home.
“Believe authentically that there’s hope for things to change, and that you can find joy and sexual fulfillment even if your current intimate life looks a little different,” says Dr. Hauser.
Reignite your own spark
This is also a prime opportunity to get in touch with yourself and your desires. “Start looking at what you like about yourself, not in the context of how erect a penis is or isn’t,” says Dr. Hauser. “When you make time to take stock of what your body looks like, and where it likes to be touched, you can find a sexual connection with yourself, which is very different than it is with your partner.”
Dr. Hauser explains, “Instead of viewing erectile dysfunction as a sign of brokenness, it’s actually a catalyst to expand where we are, and to redefine who we are as sexual beings both privately and with our partner.”
The information provided on this site isn’t intended as medical advice, and shouldn’t replace professional medical treatment. Consult your doctor with any serious health concerns.
