This isn’t the time to mold yourself around someone else.
So, you’re officially divorced. Now that the stress, heartbreak, financial strain, and paperwork are behind you (we hope), it’s time to get excited about the future. This’ll look different for everyone — as it should. But some of you may foresee wanting a romantic partner again, which though definitely exciting, can also be very daunting.
KCM spoke to therapists and relationship coaches, a few of whom have been through divorce themselves, who shared some groundwork you can do to ensure your return to the dating scene is as rewarding as possible.
First off, grieve the marriage
Well-meaning friends may encourage you to “get back on the horse,” but it’s important to give yourself time to properly acknowledge what just happened before moving on. An abrupt return to dating can cause emotional exhaustion, and if you don’t put your past to bed first, you may be in danger of repeating it.
“I hadn’t taken the time to actively process my previous experiences and get reacquainted with my core values after my divorce,” admits breakup and relationship coach Emmi Fortin. “I ended up having weak or even nonexistent boundaries that I didn’t maintain, and made many choices that weren’t in alignment with my own well-being due to my low self-worth at the time.”
Even if you think you know what you want in your next partner, leaving too little breathing room after a breakup to properly interrogate your intentions and motivations can blur your judgment. “I created the idea of a Breakup Recovery Period after rushing into a relationship after my divorce based on what my marriage lacked, which from my perspective was passion,” says Fortin. “And, oh boy did I get passion in the next one! But it also came with lots of drama and toxicity for years to come before I could pull myself out of the situation.”
Don’t forget — you’re already in your most important relationship
It’s corny but undeniably true that your best hope of a successful relationship with someone else begins with having a healthy one with yourself — a habit that’s easy to fall out of.
“Many people focus on extraneous things, such as the other person, when they could be focusing instead on what they can control, which is the self,” says Fortin. “The stronger your understanding of how you act and react in certain situations and what your coping mechanisms and patterns are, the easier it is to make choices that support what is truly important to you going forward.”
Try to shake off cultural notions of how your life “should” look and remember that relationships that are rushed into for the sake of it, or accelerated by other motivations (like having kids or avoiding single stigma), tend not to have the most solid foundations. You’re allowed to enjoy life on your terms, and it’s so important to take as much time as you need to organize yours according to your own schedule, interests, and needs before diving back into dating.
Once you’ve had some space, do a relationship post-mortem
Once you’re feeling more comfortable, and potentially ready to see who’s out there, it may be wise to reflect on your last relationship. This doesn’t mean rehashing past relationship dramas for the millionth time — be disciplined, and look at the things that are useful to you moving forward.
“It’s important to consider what was really good or even great in the marriage that you would want to have in your next relationship, as well as what you won’t accept in your next relationship,” says Stephanie Mintz, MA, LMFT, owner of The Strategic Relationship Consultant.
Don’t be afraid to examine your role in the marriage, and how some of your choices may have led to unhappiness. This isn’t about blame — no one is perfect! — there may be all sorts of reasons why you made the decisions you did. The key is to identify them.
“We all have unconscious attachment patterns,” says Heidi Cox, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City.
“These are styles of relating to the people whom we are closest to, and one common issue that comes up in dating is getting into relationships with the same kind of dynamics as the previous one you just ended.”
Dr. Cox suggests taking these few steps to ensure you’re taking charge from now on:
1. Identify the major themes of your previous relationship. Did you feel like you were always the parent, the responsible one? Did you trust someone who was untrustworthy? Or maybe you made yourself small in the relationship to accommodate your partner’s desires.
2. After you’ve identified your pattern, think about how it did or didn’t serve you. Maybe you actually enjoy being a carer to a point, or maybe you’re uncertain, and it’s often easier to go along with another person’s plans.
3. Make a list of things that you want to do differently and pay attention to how you might unconsciously wind up getting into the same patterns again. Consider therapy if you want to explore this more — a good therapist can help you bring awareness to these relationship patterns and potentially make useful changes.
Do some housekeeping
For some of you, the major difference this time around will be that now, you have kids. While everyone’s relationship with their children is unique, there are a few guiding principles that can help. These are: Let them ask questions, be honest, keep lines of communication open, and don’t make promises you can’t keep.
One mom speaking to familyeducation recalls her ex falsely telling their kids that the woman he was dating was “just a friend.” When he later asked for their “permission” for her to move in, he was naturally greeted with confusion and unanimous “no” votes. Giving children the illusion of control is no good if communication hasn’t been honest up until that point.
Never underestimate how observant kids are and bear in mind that their immediate reactions may not betray the entirety of their feelings. You needn’t introduce every date, but if someone is becoming significant, it may be a good idea to let your kids know gently so that if the relationship becomes serious, they don’t feel blindsided when you tell them — or they find out accidentally. Let them know in advance if there’s someone you’d like them to meet. That way, they can have as honest a reaction as possible, without feeling the need to save face in front of a new person.
Now…get out there!
When we think about dating, there’s so much focus on apps, reply times, and bar etiquette, but actually, it’s much like running a marathon: It’s all in the preparation. If you’re well-prepared, now’s the time you can actually have fun!
If you’ve done the groundwork on yourself first, and know that as long as you’re OK with yourself, you’re OK, period, you should have a really solid foundation once you start dating. There’s no reason to dwell on the most seductive way to message someone if you’re setting up an unsustainable precedent by not being yourself. You aren’t going out there to mold yourself around someone else, you’re going out there to find someone you can have an incredible time with, who’ll respect you, and have your best interests at heart.
