Spoiler alert: Putting yourself first is key.
A yearning for romantic love has preoccupied human beings for millennia. The first love poem was written around 2031 BC and the first recorded marriage ceremony happened in Mesopotamia about 4370 years ago. Since ancient times, billions of people across the planet have each undergone their own individual love stories: Some sweet and wholesome, some toxic and messy, some unrequited, some lasting decades.
Considering that we’ve been seeking and celebrating romance since prehistory, you’d think we’d have figured it out by now. It would certainly be convenient if there was a magical and easy solution to finding and sustaining love. As you know, however, love is a major challenge — at any age. Whether you’re passing notes to your first crush, learning to date after ending a marriage, or rethinking monogamy, everyone needs a little advice.
As usual, we’re happy to share our favorite celebrity takes on a thorny topic. Their lives are pretty enviable (at least, the versions that we see) — and they get to wade around in the Hollywood dating pool. So it’s heartening to hear that they’ve had challenges with singledom, knowing their worth, and learning to focus on self-love. If you’ve just experienced a breakup, have reluctantly downloaded some dating apps, or simply need a boost of confidence as you mull over an ongoing long-term relationship, check out the celeb advice below.
Katie Couric
When we spoke to Katie, she had some helpful words of encouragement: “I always tell people to be intentional. You need to tell everyone in your life that you’re interested in dating and have them keep an eye out for you. Have the right attitude when it comes to dating and remember, from every date, you learn something new and meet another interesting person…who, if is not a love interest, may have friends who could be!”
Cameron Diaz
Speaking to Cosmopolitan in 2015, Cameron Diaz mused on her relationship with Benji Madden, who’s six years her junior: “You have to find someone in the same place as you are. Timing is everything […] No matter how old you are, finding the guy who’s in the same place as you are and wants to show up is the only way a relationship works, period.”
She also cautioned readers to take a step back and notice if they’ve been repeatedly choosing the wrong type of partner: “Here’s the thing. You make the same mistake over and over again until you learn your lesson. We girls sometimes do the thing where we pick the same person over and over again — they look and seem different, but deep down, they’re the same. And that’s on us.”
Tracee Ellis Ross
If you’re going through a dry spell, Hair guru and Black-ish star Tracee Ellis Ross urges you to use this time to reevaluate your relationship with yourself. In a cover story for Shape, Ross said that “…in my wonderful and robust experience of being single, I have learned to have a productive relationship with loneliness and an intensely juicy relationship with my joyful solitude, I really enjoy my company.”
She added that “one of the things that’s been lovely to discover is how I care for myself and how I actively love myself. And I believe that love is an action: You get back what you put in. I realize that I hold the idea of wholeness with great reverence and respect because my goal is to have an experience with myself that is whole.”
Tessa Thompson
When entering a new relationship, you might be stressing over how to reveal that news to your family, friends, and/or adoring public. If you’re feeling weird about opening your new love to scrutiny, though, take a cue from Tessa Thomspon. When asked about her supposed relationship with Janelle Monae in 2018, Thompson notoriously keeps quiet about the nature of their fabulous closeness: “We love each other deeply. We’re so close, we vibrate on the same frequency. If people want to speculate about what we are, that’s okay. It doesn’t bother me.” Just remember to focus primarily (or solely!) on that frequency and love — no one else’s opinion really matters.
Salma Hayek
If you’re the type to date the wrong people because you’re afraid you won’t meet the right one, you’re definitely not alone. Even Salma Hayek admits that she’s forced herself to date men who didn’t really fit. In an interview with Allure, she says that she’s given into desperation in the past: “I wish I knew [when I was younger] that I was going to fall crazy in love with the perfect man. I was so worried, and I dated some people I shouldn’t have dated. You get desperate, and you start seeing wonderful things in, like, the wrong guys. I also found some pretty good guys. But I wish I could say to myself, ‘Hey, chill out. You’re going to get a great husband that’s going to adore you.’ I would have saved myself a lot of personal drama.”
Nicole Kidman
If you’re going through a big breakup, the sudden loneliness can be very scary. Many serial monogamists bounce from partner to partner because they’re understandably afraid of solitude. Nicole Kidman confessed to You Magazine that she had trouble embracing the single life, but is convinced that alone time ultimately prepared her to find love: “I like sharing my life. I’ve always been like that. At 14 I had a boyfriend because I didn’t want to be alone. I went through a period where I was forced into being alone. But that was almost like a portal to go through, where you don’t just jump from one thing to another, you’re actually there, living it. And I came out of it much more available [to meet someone].”
Courteney Cox
When speaking to PEOPLE, Courteney Cox reflected on how hard it is to accept that every partner brings their own baggage and experiences to a relationship: “I’ve learned you can’t take a lot personally. I used to think, ‘Oh well, if you loved me…’ It’s not really about you. People do things because of their own history and their own past. I had to learn that lesson for sure.”
Oprah Winfrey
Oprah reasons that dating around is pretty important, but that being single is the perfect time to nurture yourself (we’re sensing a bit of a trend here). Speaking on singledom, she said, “it’s the best time where you get to make yourself the lover, the friend, the companion, the nurturer, the supporter that you would want. It’s the best time…you need to go through that ‘Oh, oh, oh, I’m dating him, I’m dating him…oh that’s good…drop it like it’s hot,’ all that. And then you need a period where you just come down to yourself: That’s what you need. And then, when you are ready, he will show up.”
Lizzo
Leave it to Lizzo to only accept a romantic relationship on her terms. When speaking on The Breakfast Club, she said she’s structured her current non-monogamous relationship around a total lack of rules: “I think a traditional relationship scares me for 10 years, but love is forever. I can love somebody forever. Monogamy, I think to me, is a little claustrophobic. I think because there’s the rules. I think a love relationship that’s not monogamous has no rules.” She maintained that she’s not polyamorous, though, because a poly relationship would be too structured to suit her needs: “I think people who do poly and all that stuff — there’s still rules. I don’t want any rules.” A relaxed method of embracing love might not be for everyone, but what’s the harm in considering doing away with a few rules? As Lizzo says, “It just means that there are no expectations, and that way, the love gets to just be the main event.”
Ellen Degeneres
We can all stand to look inward from time to time. If little problems have been creeping up in your love life, Ellen recommends taking inventory of your own actions — though moving on is always a wonderful option. Reflecting on her relationship with Portia de Rossi, Ellen said, “You get what you give. I think you can’t expect someone to treat you a certain way. Whatever it is, if you’re getting a lot of negative energy or anger, you have to say, ‘Why am I getting this? Am I doing something to create it?’ And if the answer is honestly no, then get out of that situation.”
Sarah Paulson
Sometimes when seeking a romantic connection, you may find yourself embarking on a journey that surprises you. If you’re nervous about burgeoning feelings for someone of an unexpected age, profession, gender, you name it, the fabulous Sarah Paulson wants to remind you to embrace your authentic self. Paulson told Elle that “I didn’t choose to fall in love with the person I fell in love with. But I think why it’s interesting to people…it’s unconventional. For a person who might find themselves in a situation that they fear will be misperceived or judged, maybe they could see me living my life in a way that is authentic to me…If that inspires anybody else, that can’t be a bad thing.”
