Instead of analyzing your parents, turn your attention inward.
“Does this mole look cancerous to you?” I’m sure I looked stunned when I was asked this question at my father-in-law’s funeral. I was tending to my grieving husband and three young children when this woman I’d never met approached me. She continued, “You’re a doctor, aren’t you?”
I’d like to say this occurrence was out of the ordinary, but sadly it was not. At this time in my life, strangers would stop me after church, acquaintances would send emails, and even a neighbor once rang my doorbell at 10 p.m. waking all my kids to ask about his wife’s cough.
Each time this happened, I directed them back to their own doctor, and every time I was shocked by the lack of what seemed like obvious boundaries. It was only years later that I learned people didn’t honor my boundaries because I hadn’t set them.
All day long, I fielded request after request of my time, expertise, or energy. And all day long, I said “yes,” even when it meant I would work later, miss mealtime with my family, not make it to the gym, or shortchange my sleep. I was people-pleasing, not setting boundaries, and people knew it. I finally drew the line when I was pushed over the edge by an absurd request.
This is the story of many children of narcissistic or toxic parents. As a child, it wasn’t safe to set boundaries and if boundaries were set, they weren’t honored, so often children of narcissistic parents become adults who people please rather than set and enforce healthy boundaries.
Were you raised by a narcissistic parent? Are you sure?
Narcissistic abuse, which is a type of emotional or psychological abuse, occurs in romantic, family, and work relationships. But it can occur more casually, as well, in friendships, committees, and communities.
Unfortunately, parent-child narcissistic abuse can have the most long-lasting effects and it can be really difficult to identify whether or not you had a narcissistic parent.
Most experts focus on looking back at the parents’ behavior. For an adult trying to understand their childhood clearly, this approach is flawed because children cannot be expected to know everything about their parents and fully understand what they’re experiencing. Plus, the lens through which you see the world is shaped by your experiences and the people around you — your lens warps your memory. And, of course, memories fade, especially those created during traumatic time periods. This is why many people don’t have memories of their early or even later childhoods.
If you want to know if you have a narcissistic parent, but have an incomplete picture of your childhood, seen through a distorted lens with gaps in memory, instead of analyzing your parents, you should look at the person you are now.
Signs You Were Raised by a Narcissistic or Toxic Parent
You’re an extreme overachiever or underachiever
Narcissistic parents seek external validation through their children and their children’s accomplishments. (Why not focus on their own achievements? There are so many things to “win” as a child that don’t exist for adults.) This far exceeds the typical “proud parent moment.” The narcissistic parent requires this external validation to regulate their own emotions and self-esteem and may bring up achievements or accomplishments out of context, in a way that feels awkward to the child.
The narcissistic parent may feel as upset or disappointed if not more so than the child following an apparent “failure.” If the parent is sad and the child is sad, this suggests a healthy response. The parent empathizes with the child’s disappointment. On the other hand, if the parent reacts with anger, they may be a narcissistic parent who had been counting on that “win.”
Growing up with a narcissistic parent greatly influences your level of achievement, compared to what would be expected based on genetics and opportunities. You could become conditioned to believe success is the only answer because of the way your parents internalized and reacted to your wins and losses as a child. As an adult, you may become an intense overachiever to stay in your parents’ good graces, or you may profoundly underachieve as an act of rebellion. Either extreme is a red flag.
You need, rather than appreciate, validation
Everyone likes to be told they did a good job, look nice, or were thoughtful. Everyone appreciates being acknowledged and validated.
Those raised by a narcissistic parent or caregiver require frequent validation, even as adults. In many cases, they seek repeated validation as if your first statement may have been untrue.
- Are you sure I completed this project OK?
- I’m really hoping I didn’t bother you.
- Are you sure this dress doesn’t make my butt look fat?
In some cases, they fish for validation with a negative statement.
- I’m such a screw-up.
- I’m not pretty enough to be a bridesmaid.
- My art is not very good.
You’re a people-pleaser
Many people to some degree. A YouGov poll from 2022 revealed that 49 percent of adults surveyed identified themselves as people-pleasers. In simple terms, people-pleasing is saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”
Children of a narcissistic parent people please to an extreme. They learned to walk on eggshells as a child to regulate their parent’s mood, and they behave contrary to their own wants and needs if it pleases others. This could evolve into a massive lack of boundaries: Saying yes to any request at work regardless of your bursting workload, agreeing to in-laws’ demands even if they inconvenience you, not drawing the line with friends or loved ones who take the opportunity to walk all over you, and more.
You have difficulty expressing anger or sadness
Narcissistic parents often find others’ anger or sadness uncomfortable. It detracts from their experience of life. As people-pleasers, their children learn to suppress these so-called negative emotions, often feeling shame for even feeling one of these emotions.
In the face of adversity, large or small, the child of a narcissistic parent has been told to:
- Rub some dirt on it
- Stop being a crybaby
- Get over it
Over time, they become so uncomfortable with anger and sadness that they learn to avoid feeling those emotions almost entirely. To the outside world, they may look either like a powder keg ready to blow or an emotionless ice queen.
You accept blame for things out of your control
The child of a narcissistic parent accepts blame for everything. This goes far beyond being self-responsible. As a child and an adult, they readily accept blame for things others do as if it were their fault.
- Someone plows into you at a store knocking things out of your hands and you say, “I’m sorry.”
- You find out the speaker for your company meeting is running late and apologize to your boss.
- Your husband makes an off-color joke and you apologize to your guests.
- Your child misses the goal and you apologize to the other parents.
You readily assume the role of caretaker
The narcissistic parent often relies on a child to be their caregiver: to handle their emotions, to take care of their needs, and to anticipate their demands. This child grows up feeling responsible for the emotions of others.
The adult child of a narcissistic parent will:
- Try to cheer someone up rather than being present with them in their sadness
- Take the brunt of their spouse’s anger to spare others
- Force unsolicited help onto adult children so the adult child doesn’t feel sadness, disappointment, or rejection
- Put themselves last on their list, prioritizing the needs of everyone else first
- Do things for others they can easily do for themselves
You establish poor or non-existent boundaries
Children of narcissistic parents are often punished for setting boundaries and even if they set them, they’re often not honored and respected. As a result, they learn that it’s wrong to set boundaries. Even if they were to set them, they have no idea how to enforce them.
They often experience extreme boundary violations, such as:
- A guest going through their mail
- A co-worker using the lip gloss on their desk
- A child “borrowing” $20 from their wallet
- A spouse cheating in the marital home
While often shocked, they do not set or enforce a boundary.
You have experienced narcissistic abuse as an adult
This is perhaps the biggest sign of all: You’ve had relationships with narcissists as romantic partners or friends. You may even have been targeted by narcissists in the workplace.
When you feel like you have “Narcissist Target” written on your forehead, it’s because you have a trauma bond from a past abusive relationship. The first abusive relationship for many victims, if not most, is with a parent.
What do you do if you recognize these signs?
Often there is a desire to confront your parent or parents. Rarely is this helpful as narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that prevents the sufferer from acknowledging the problem or taking responsibility. Because those with narcissistic personality disorder seldom seek help and there’s no definitive treatment, they will react as a narcissist would and are not likely to validate your feelings, apologize, or change. Narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t fade with age without someone putting in the work. Therefore, unless they’ve faced and treated their condition, they’re going to react as a narcissist would: They’re not likely to validate your feelings, apologize, or change.
Instead, turn your attention inward. Listen to what you need — Is it limiting time with them over the holidays or avoiding them altogether? Do you need to do something special for yourself? Do you need to validate your own feelings?
Then turn your focus to healing. When you were a child, your decisions were guided by survival and pleasing your parent. It served you well — you’re here! But now you can learn to choose otherwise. You can set down the burdens of people-pleasing, accepting blame, caretaking, and more. You can set yourself free.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery expert who frees survivors from the aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free guide Was Any of It Real? or learn more about working with her on her website.
