How to Take Care of Someone Else’s Toddler — and Actually Have Fun Doing It

Ever spent four hours alone in a house with a toddler? If you’re a parent, you might have just audibly groaned, because you know how tough those years can be. It’s hard enough managing your own children — but what about taking care of someone else’s kids?

Whether you’re a grandparent, a supportive friend, or another type of family member, it’s likely that you’ll find yourself in that position at some point in your life. And let’s face it: It can be totally terrifying. It’s one thing to screw up your own kids, but to screw up someone else’s? Way scarier! (And we’re only sort of joking, here.)

To give you the skills to tackle such a daunting task, KCM turned to Deena and Kristin, the co-founders of Big Little Feelings, a go-to resource for parenting toddlers. In addition to offering a wide range of courses and educational offerings online, Big Little Feelings has gained a following on social platforms like Instagram, thanks to the many tips and tricks the company shares about loving, raising, and disciplining your wild child.

It’s not surprising that Big Little Feelings has become such an educational staple in so many households: both Deena and Kristin are parenting coaches and mothers, themselves. Deena is also a child therapist, to boot. In other words, the world of toddler-taming is pretty much their exact forte.

In the Q&A below, Deena and Kristin offer their best advice on how to approach taking care of a child who isn’t yours. And yes, you should print this interview out and tape it to your fridge for the next overnight with your grandkids…

KCM: How do you discipline someone else’s child?

Deena and Kristin: The most important thing here is to ask the parents beforehand what they prefer. 

Some parents may have an “anything goes” approach when it comes to their child staying with a grandma/aunt/another caregiver for the weekend, so they may not want you to discipline their child at all! 

Other parents, however, may have strong preferences on how to approach discipline. You’ll want to align on if they use timeouts, punishments, or not, as the parent may have some very strong opinions.

If this is the case, then consistency — using the preferred discipline methods (and avoiding the non-preferred discipline methods) — is key to not only keeping a great relationship with the parents, showing that you’ll follow their preferred discipline style, but also to yours and the toddler’s overall enjoyment of the time spent together. Why? Well, toddlers have a hard time adapting to change, especially if it’s a big change in discipline.

If the parents’ discipline style is to avoid timeouts and/or punishments as forms of discipline, then a temporary caregiver putting a child in timeout and/or doling out a big punishment when things are done the opposite way at home will be *very* confusing for the child. As a result, you may find yourself in a scenario where you’ll likely see some really big feelings, tantrums, outbursts, and acting out since the child is suddenly receiving discipline they’re not used to.

Whether the parents have an “anything goes” approach or strong opinions on discipline, being on the same page beforehand makes for a smoother weekend!

Speaking of questions: What else should you ask a parent before taking care of their child for an overnight or weekend?

Before taking care of another child for an overnight or weekend, the first thing you should do is ask the parents for their general daily schedule and routine. Toddlers love a routine! And while your house might be a place of fun where we can loosen the rules a bit, you will still want to know about their usual daily routine. If the toddler usually naps at exactly 11:30 a.m. at home, but you want to stay at the zoo during that time (assuming it’s OK with the parents!), you will know to expect some tears/tantrums due to tiredness when their nap time rolls around. 

The second thing you should do is ask for meal preferences and times. Toddlers need three meals a day and protein-rich snacks (so roughly eating every two hours) throughout the day. Eating happens A LOT more frequently for a toddler than an adult. A common pitfall we see is that the caregiver forgets that snack time usually happens every two hours. So then the toddler starts melting down, and then the caregiver questions what’s going on and tries to rationalize with the toddler who thinks that the purple crayon is too purpley, when in fact, they are just hungry. Bottom line: Protein-rich, well-balanced snacks every two hours are key.

Finally, make sure you ask about their child’s bedtime/naptime routines. Trust us: Sticking to their exact routine will make your life so much easier. Since the toddler will be with you (a different caregiver), in (possibly) a different environment, sticking to their normal bedtime/naptime routine as best as possible will make for a smoother transition to sleep.

Do you have any other tips for taking care of someone else’s child?

At the end of the day, checking in MORE with the parents on specifics before the visit starts is the best practice! Don’t be afraid to ask lots of questions! Remember that change is really hard for toddlers. So as fun as it may be to have a weekend with you, toddlers may also have LOTS of big feelings and lots of tantrums. And that’s OK!

If this happens, we recommend that you OK their feelings and know that it’s not you and it’s not personal. Every time you OK their feelings, you accomplish two goals: First, in the short term, you make them feel seen, cared about, and understood. This in and of itself can stop a tantrum in its tracks. And second, in the long term, you help them understand and name their feelings. This builds emotional awareness, which is a super important part of learning how to handle big feelings and problem-solve.

The more you can validate their feelings (by naming them and OKing them, which sounds like “you’re feeling really upset, and that’s OK,” or “you’re feeling mad, I’m right here with you,” or “you’re feeling sad, do you want a hug?” rather than dismissing them by saying things like, “but it’s fun!” “It’s so short!” “It’s OK!” “You’re fine!”), the safer they will feel with you.