Whether you’ve got a toddler in full-on climbing mode or a middle schooler immersed in tweenhood, you already know that when emotions are peaking, your kid can be straight-up irrational. And as dads, those moments of “big feelings” can trigger some equally big (or even bigger) feeling within us.
As the host of the fatherhood-themed podcast Modern Dadhood, I have the unique benefit of learning firsthand how other dads successfully navigate these tumultuous currents of emotion, and I’m pleased to share five tried-and-true tactics you can use to bring your kid back down to earth — and maintain your own sanity in the process.
1. Breathe
This goes for both of you! There are many easy breathing exercises you can use (see “box breathing”), but even just slowing down and taking a series of nice, deep breaths — as deep as you can go — will help to activate your nervous system, regulate your blood pressure, and distract from what inspired those intense emotions. After a minute or so of box breathing, your child may still be really bummed out, but I guarantee you’ll be able to have a more rational chat after everyone’s taken a moment to reset.
2. Listen intently
For most of us dads, it’s pretty much coded in our DNA to try and solve problems. But sometimes (dare I say often), our kids don’t need us to solve their problem, they just need us to hear them out and offer some validation. In fact, in many situations, handing them a solution deprives them of the opportunity to figure things out for themselves. So do everyone a favor—don’t offer unsolicited advice. Lend them your ear and make them feel seen and heard.
3. Discard rationality
You might think that what your kid is losing their mind over is not important. And within the context of adult responsibilities, it isn’t. But that’s your world, not theirs — and to them, the wrong color water bottle cap, a jacket zipper that’s taking too long to catch, or cereal with 1% milk rather than the 1.5% they’re used to can be too much to handle. Rather than shaming them for sweating the small stuff, take a beat and try to remember that it’s not small to them. If you need to try to put it into perspective, I’ve had some success posing the question of whether the reaction matches the problem. Sometimes getting them to think about that can distract them from the extreme feelings and even inspire a productive chat.
4. Try to redirect
Sometimes just letting your kid’s big emotions play out is the right way to go. But expressing emotions doesn’t always require words (or loud noise, tears, etc.). For some kids, redirecting their feelings into a creative activity like drawing or music can be really effective. Yes, you may end up with permanent pencil grooves in your dining room table or busted ear drums from an aggressively-played instrument… but during those emotional peaks, anything that disrupts and redirects can be worth a try.
5. Model good problem-solving
When your kid’s emotions are testing your own limits, it can be very easy to handle the situation in an unproductive way. The reality is, you both need to figure out how to solve a problem that’s causing you distress. If you consistently model good, productive problem solving skills (I’ll go ahead and advocate for box breathing once more), it’s likely that they’ll eventually take the cue and begin practicing those same skills to process their emotions.
All of these tactics were discussed in several episodes of Modern Dadhood, which are linked below if you care to dig deeper:
- Crying Over Spilt Milk | Scotty Iseri
- Looking at Problems With Perspective | Ben Feller
- Heavy Topics, Young Minds | Patrick Coleman
- Breathe, Feel, Then Move | Ryan Cooper
Adam Flaherty is the creator and co-host of Modern Dadhood, a fatherhood and parenting podcast available on all podcast platforms and at moderndadhood.com.
