4 Ways You Can Effectively Influence Others — Without Being Manipulative

More than eight decades after its release, the ultimate self-help book How to Win Friends & Influence People is still a global sensation — Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic has sold more than 30 million copies worldwide. Carnegie rooted his guidebook in the art of persuasion, using direct and compelling tips like remembering to smile and subtly but frequently dropping people’s names into conversation. “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language,” Carnegie famously wrote. (If you doubt that, think about how good it feels when someone remembers yours, especially if you’ve just met.) 

Today, researchers are still fascinated by what makes people say “yes” to one person and “no” to another, how to make personal resolutions stick (hint: it takes more than willpower), and why certain leaders have more power than others. And while Carnegie’s advice is still surprisingly relevant, we do communicate in person less and less in today’s digital world. That means the rules of the game have changed. 

Dr. Zoe Chance, who has a doctorate in behavioral science, is a leading researcher on the topic of influence, and a professor at Yale’s School of Management. She defines influence as “anything that causes a change in someone’s thinking or behavior.” But that doesn’t mean that change has to be for nefarious purposes: In her book, Influence is Your Superpower, Chance uses modern research and new case studies to show how you can win hearts and minds effectively and spark a positive change in the meantime.  

Here are a few of Chance’s tips on powerfully influencing others — and yourself – without being manipulative in the process. 

Be warm and clear in your written communication 

More so than ever before, we rely heavily on texts, emails, and social media to stay in touch. Research shows that younger generations are actually communicating with their network 65 percent more online than IRL (aka “in real life,” of course). So when we’re trying to sway someone’s thinking or behavior, we need to alter our approach to match the digital age we’re living in. 

“Most people don’t understand that when we express ourselves in writing, people tend to perceive less warmth and more aggression or insults than we intend,” says Chance. Since it’s easier to convey friendliness in person (through smiling, our tone of voice, or body gestures), we need to go the extra mile to project our enthusiasm in text. “We should be very intentional about expressing warmth in our written communication knowing that the other person is not going to perceive it unless we’re doubling it compared to what we might be inclined to do.” Chance suggests using extra emojis or exclamation points to accomplish that. Trying to convince your kids to come home for Mother’s Day? Directly state what it would mean to you to celebrate together — and maybe throw in a couple of extra heart emojis in your text. 

The same rule applies when you’re inclined to say no to a request. In her book, Chance gives an example of how to politely turn down an invitation to a social event you can’t make: “Thanks for asking, and I would absolutely love to do something like that with you another time.” It’s warm and to the point, but leaves room for future invites. 

Make whatever you’re asking easy to say “yes” or “no” to   

“The most important thing you can do to influence anyone, including yourself, is to make it as easy as possible to do that desired thing — or as difficult as possible not to do it,” says Chance. “We absolutely need to give up on the idea of relying on willpower.” 

Take for example the increased voter turnout in the U.S. presidential election in 2020 versus 2016. In 2016, about 58 percent of eligible voters cast a vote, compared to 2020, which saw a 7 percent increase, in part due to mail-in voting and early voting, because of the pandemic. When you make a desired action easier (in this case, through voting early or by mail), it results in the desired outcome being more likely to be met (more ballots being cast). “The idea that people follow the path of least resistance gives you the best chance of predicting someone’s behavior in almost any situation,” says Chance. 

The same rule applies if you’re trying to influence your own behavior. “I did a study at Google that found just by having snacks a few feet closer to the drink machine, 50 percent of people would grab snacks mindlessly. They didn’t even notice that they were doing it,” says Chance. When Google separated the drinks from the snacks, less were taken. “It’s so simple,” says Chance. “But it’s very impactful.” 

Ask for what you want

Whether it’s a promotion at work, or a date with someone you’re fond of, you won’t get what you want if you’re not raising your hand to ask for it. “The biggest mistake you can make is to not ask for what you want or not suggest your great idea because you have this expectation that you’re not going to succeed,” says Chance. “People are two or three times more likely to say yes than we think when we’re making an in-person request.” 

If the idea of negotiating for more vacation days at work or a higher salary makes you nervous, Chance’s research proves it shouldn’t. “People don’t like negotiations and women dislike negotiations more than men,” says Chance. Her studies found that 40 percent of men said they liked or loved negotiations compared to 17 percent of women. “When I asked respondents to describe negotiations, they used words like manipulative, scary, and other dark, awful words. But when I asked them to describe their most recent negotiation, almost everyone said it went well and they felt empowered, good, and happy with the outcome,” says Chance. “What I realized is that we’re terrified of negotiation because Hollywood has put in our minds that it’s this battle between bullies to see who’s the winner and who’s the sucker. But that’s not at all how it tends to work. In real life, most people want to work together.” 

Her advice is to approach your request with an open mind and friendly attitude while being direct about what you want. Ask, “How can we work this out?” You’ll get surprisingly positive results from simply opening up the conversation. 

Get comfortable with rejection 

That may sound confusing — especially if you’re trying to persuade people to say yes to you. But Chance says the more comfortable you are hearing no, the more inclined you are to get a yes. Every year, she asks her MBA students at Yale to practice getting rejected. The point is to show the students that when they hear a no, it’s not personal. 

“When we put ourselves in situations to possibly get rejected, it’s not that it gets comfortable or pleasurable, but it gets much less painful, because we understand that this person might say no, decline, or reject my invitation, but it’s probably not going to be about me,” says Chance. Through this activity, students learn how to effectively get a yes, because they learn how to ask for things in a non-pushy way. “Because we’re not terrified that they’re going to say no to us, we’re more chillaxed when we ask for something,” says Chance. “The magic of this is that our requests become less edgy. We don’t have this neediness that can really come through and repel other people.”