Positive affirmations might seem corny, but they can be game-changing.
“There’s nothing special about me.”
“I’m not enough.”
“I suck.”
“I hate myself.”
Sound familiar? One of the most harmful things we do to ourselves, emotionally and mentally, is to engage in negative self-talk. Studies have shown that the practice decreases your brain’s reasoning skills and ability to form memories, and puts you at greater risk of dementia. Additionally, by comparing ourselves to others on social media and in our friend group, we invite self-rejection. We do it so much that negative self-talk becomes an unconscious reflex. Essentially, this bad habit impacts whether or not we live a happy life — and the only one who can do anything about it is you.
The good news is, it’s easier to change this practice than you might think. The first step, though, is to realize that you do it in the first place. Every thought shapes our brain, so if we want to be more self-loving and happy, we must do the work of bad-habit-breaking to get there.
The American Psychological Association says negative self-talk often confirms our negative beliefs — such as fears or false ideas. This habit has a negative effect on our feelings (leading us to feel worthless) as well as our reactions, since it causes us to lose our motivation. Psychology Dictionary says negative self-talk may feel like the harsh truth — a way of facing your deficiencies in order to banish them altogether. But in reality, it actually has the effect of demotivating us: studies have shown that the habit decreases your ability to reach your goals.
We may snicker at the Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley, who gazed into the mirror and gave himself the now-famous pep talk, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” But he may have had a point. Athletes use visualization to achieve their goals, imagining the basketball going through the hoop, the completion of a marathon, or the golf ball dropping into the hole. Without this optimistic approach to potential outcomes, we become our own worst enemy, angry that our lives aren’t going the way we want, while being hypercritical of everything we do. Author Phillip Moffitt describes such behavior as “violence against the self.”
“Through the way in which we schedule our time, push our bodies, and compare and judge ourselves against others,” Moffitt says, “we repeatedly create an inner environment that is filled with violence.”
It may sound hopeless, but there is a way out.
First, we must actually hear our self-critical voice. Pay attention to what that voice says, whether it’s “I’m so stupid,” or “I always do the wrong thing,” or “I don’t fit in,” among other putdowns. Bringing awareness to that automatic, unkind voice is step one to quieting it. Step two is learning to answer the harsh thought effectively.
Several years ago, I went to see a therapist who helped me see the light. I had a negative thought loop in my head. It popped up so much, it had become a mental default. When I was a young girl, my father would criticize me by saying, “You’re lazy — so you’re never going to amount to anything.” I know, not exactly inspirational. My amazing therapist told me I had to get rid of that negative message. How, I wondered? She told me it wouldn’t go away until I stood up to it.
Every time I heard that self-defeating comment in my mind, she said I had to respond with the thought, “That’s a lie.” At first it felt stupid, really stupid, but after doing it for a couple of weeks — answering my negative thought with a correction — that rebuttal started to sound true to me. The awareness that I wasn’t lazy and that I would be able to realize my dreams became bigger and louder than my internal self-bullying. Now I don’t hear that silly lie anymore.
Now for a little neuroscience: By focusing on creating new, productive habits — including positive self-talk — we are actually forcing tiny dendrites and neurons to grow in our brain. The more we practice the new habit, the more those neurons connect to each other and become wired together. Because they are now wired together, they fire together, and voila, the result is a change in our behavior. We’re simply trading one habit for another, and in the process, creating a brand new neural network. This rewiring process is called neuroplasticity, and it just happens to be the result of a healthy habit you can start right now.
Thinking positive affirmations such as, “I’m beautiful just the way I am,” or “I’m doing the best I can in this moment, and it’s enough,” go a long way in changing our mental chatter to a more productive inner pep talk that will leave us happier, healthier, wiser, and more accomplished. Being able to replace a negative thought with a positive one, once we notice it, is a good predictor of success as we visualize our goals, just like athletes do, and see our true selves more clearly.
Ultimately, the choice is ours: to allow self-criticism to win, or forge an inner “no bullying” campaign. After all, everyone has the capacity to thrive. So we can continue to feed the inner bad guy, or choose to be more kind to ourselves — less harsh, and less judgmental. When we notice negative self-talk in our mind, we can stand up to it, and remind ourselves that those cutting remarks aren’t true. Then we can look in the mirror, smile just like Stuart Smalley, and say, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, I like me!”
If that all sounds a little too cute or simplistic, consider the fact that wallowing in negative thoughts never helped anyone accomplish their goals. Louise Hay, motivational author and founder of Hay House Publishing, sums it up very nicely: “You’ve been criticizing yourself for years,” she says, “and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Donna Rockwell, PsyD, is the CEO & Founder of Already Famous with Dr. Donna, a wellness community for women and girls focused on self-confidence, inner worth, and finding purpose
