For some, it’s the loneliest time of the year.
For many, the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year; however, if you’re grieving, your holiday experience might be different. Instead of hearing your loved one’s feet galloping across the floor or their fingers playing a Christmas carol on the piano, their laughter tumbling with joy, or their voice shrieking with delight while ushering in a new year, there is silence.
In this silence, there lies an enigma. Things don’t make sense. The miracle you prayed for became stillborn. The disease you never knew existed now haunts your day. Whatever the tragedy, it’s inescapable.
For a plethora of reasons, the process of grieving is by all accounts frayed, messy, and cluttered. The layers are so complex, even on your best days you struggle to make sense of them. And then there are the unclaimed tears you are certain belong to another day.
I know from my journey with loss — my father died two weeks shy of my fifth birthday and my husband died in 2007 (I was 33) — grief really magnifies our fears. The feelings can be tough to untangle. Recently, Dr. Deepak Chopra said to me, “One must embrace grief as any other emotion.”
And yet during the holidays, it is especially tough to wrap our arms and minds around a season that celebrates families and friends when you’re feeling a void. The grief can feel like a cavity in your heart that despite your multiple efforts, can’t be filled.
If you’re wary about being in the company of others, you’re not alone. It’s OK to be selective when it comes to sharing your thoughts. Remember, there’s not an all-in-one solution when it comes to coping with grief. Here are some small mindfulness suggestions for coping with grief, especially during the holiday season.
8 Tips for Coping with Grief Through the Lens of Mindfulness
Feel the difficult feelings
Dr. Deepak Chopra told me, “What you resist persists. Feel it [grief] in your body until it is released.”
In other words, don’t hesitate to feel grief within your body. One way to do this is through doing a body scan. In this brief video below, Dr. Chopra explains how you can bring awareness to different parts of your body. When you develop this type of awareness, you’re able to also bring a sense of rest and calm to it. Another option is to go on a walk with the intent to release some of the sadness and anxiety. Restorative yoga can also be helpful.
Practice self-compassion over comparison
It’s natural to compare your grief to someone else’s and wonder what’s wrong with yourself. However, comparing stories can ignite your inner critic. Keep in mind that no two losses are experienced the same way. People within the same family, for example, who are lamenting their brother express and experience their sorrow in different ways. Remind yourself that the wringing of your heart is proof of your love.
Manage your expectations
It’s easy to misplace hope in what seems like the perfect gift or conversation. While you may be eager to see someone, it’s important to be careful about your expectations. Sometimes people do disappoint. You may desire for them to ask how you’re coping or mention your loved one’s name, but this may not transpire. Stay tender with yourself and remember their silence doesn’t mean they don’t care. Sometimes people aren’t comfortable mentioning your sorrow.
Write in a journal
There are many misunderstandings when it comes to loss and grief. And when you add holiday stress to the mix, things become even more confusing and chaotic. Journal writing can help to bring things — like your unfinished regrets, sorrow, and words — into focus. Writing can provide clarity about your own feelings as well as tough situations.
Carry an object to help ground you
For those of you stepping into a place filled with bittersweet memories or feeling uncomfortable seeing certain faces, being grounded can help to ease the anxiety. And an object can create a sense of support. The idea here is that your “grounding object” is small and significant to you, but not too valuable that it can’t be replaced if it drops or gets lost. A picture tucked away in a pocketbook or a bracelet, earrings, or a crystal stored in a coat pocket are all examples of grounding objects. I wear a charm given to me by my (now late) husband on a necklace. With small children, often a favorite stuffed animal or blanket helps them feel safe.
Elevate your month by focusing on things that function well for you
Often focusing on tasks that you enjoy will help distract you from the holiday chaos. This may be putting together a special playlist (maybe holiday tunes bring you joy!). And don’t feel pressure to share your list. Even organizing a closet or cupboard can give you a sense of accomplishment.
Practice growth by giving back
You can make a difference in someone else’s day as well as your own by giving back. And if you’re unable to meet in person at your favorite charity, consider an online donation, perhaps in your loved one’s name. If you’re feeling a bit of a “helper’s high” after your act of kindness, this isn’t your imagination. Research shows your brain releases dopamine when you assist others.
Honor yourself
When silent moments run together, listen to your heart. Stay tender. Your heart will remind you that your grief is proof of your deep love and loyalty to your beloved.
What I’ve learned, living with loss for several decades, is this — the story of your loved one doesn’t end with death because you have the power to carry it onward. Narratives are yours to write, and they never end.
Kristin Meekhof, MSW, is the co-author of the best-selling book A Widow’s Guide to Healing. She is also a writer, speaker, book coach, and life coach to some of the most influential people in media. She’s spoken at Harvard Medical School, the University of Michigan Cancer Center, and was a guest on CNN.
